wifes libido, what's happend to it?

[lightning02]

Well, where do I start? We?ve been married 15 years, have two beautiful primary school age kiddies and we always had what I would call a decent relationship and sex life.
Recently though things have taken a turn for the worse and have no idea of what to do to get things back on track.

We still have sex, even though it?s not as often as I would like, but it always seems hard work. I feel that she partakes to just get it out of the way.

Initiation is 99.9% from me. Kissing isn?t allowed (only if she?s drunk!!),no oral for me, infact she doesn?t like my face near hers, she doesn?t move much and when we?ve finished she seems really agitated! Morning sex is a thing of the past. ?She says it puts her in a mood for the rest of the day!!

I get turned down regulaly and told to accept it.

2 years ago, she did go through a really horny stage,(after both kids were born) whereby she wanted it at any given moment. I relished this and never ever said no. I?d love her to be like this again (even if it wasn?t as often). Just for the fact that I can feel wanted by her and not some dirty perv who always makes the first move!

The thing is is that I love her more than anything and I find her really attractive, but can?t help but feel that if this goes on for much longer, we?ll probably end up going our separate ways.

We have, as far as I am aware of, no underlying issues. We have sat down numerous times and discussed this, but it only ends in arguments, so I tend to just keep it to myself now and walk round a bit deflated. Our household chores are split evenly, infact I probably tend to do more.

I really don?t know what to do to get things back on track, that?s if they ever will. The talking method doesn?t seem to work. The silent method, does raise her attention that something isn?t right, but that obviously isn?t a good way to help this issue. We can?t go down that line for the rest of our lives!! It sounds awful, but the more I get pushed away and rejected the more distant I feel.

Should I just not focus on this, lay off the sex and hope eventually she regains her libido and want?s me again?

Any advice would be great!

[PickAChew]

I think op this dp have had a good 5 yrars to reflect, since he started this thread.

[Dadaist]

OP - I would add that it's quite possible your DW no longer sees you as a person in your own right - but as her 'other half'. And maybe she's built up resentments, and she may be unhappy about certain things in her life that she associates with either being your fault or as having made sacrifice after sacrifice. It may not be fair - it may be bloody unfair - although not without a grain of truth, enough to turn her off wanting you.
You might want to take yourself out of the relationship for a while - explore different things to make you happy, stop behaving like you are her everything- or that she is yours- and remind her that you are an actual person that she can choose to love or not love, but she can't expect you stumble on being unloved and not make choices of your own. It would be absolutely wrong to set any kind of ultimatums. Instead - just live your life with a little less focus on her, and she may feel a little more free to see you in a different light?
I'm not convinced of this - but it's what occurs to me. Maybe take a long holiday and find out if you feel OK with who you are - and she will have space to do the same?

[ScarletForYa]

Blog off !

[ChocolateForAll]

Zombie thread!!

[RueDeDay]

This thread is from 2011 I doubt that the OP will care about your blog.

[notlettingthefearshow]

Give her affection and intimacy (kisses, hugs) without taking it any further. She might think you are only approaching her when you want something more, which is why she's shying away even from a snog. I'm sure she's aware that things aren't red hot between you - pick a good time to talk and make sure you don't accuse her or sound that you're just frustrated.

[Whatmeworry]

Usually a woman who is having sex with her DP because he wants sex does actually make it clear whether she is in an 'oh well why not?' mindset, or an 'oh shit, how much longer is he going to be pumping away, and how many days' grace does this one get me before he's got his cock out again?'

I also think that makes it clear whether she still even likes her DP or not, as SwallowedAFly noted earlier.

The more I think of this one, the more I think the OP's wife has already checked out (but she may not have even admitted it to herself yet).

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Well let's see. Usually a woman who is having sex with her DP because he wants sex does actually make it clear whether she is in an 'oh well why not?' mindset, or an 'oh shit, how much longer is he going to be pumping away, and how many days' grace does this one get me before he's got his cock out again?'
You know, those little things like moving responsively, putting her arms round him, saying encouraging things, kissing him - as opposed to lying there with her face turned away or telling him to pull her nightie down when he's finished.
A man who can't see any difference between these two patterns of behaviour is a man who is absolutely shit in bed. A man who doesn't care where on this sort of sliding scale the woman's behaviour falls..... well that man would kind of be a bit of a rapist, really.

[mathanxiety]

When she apparently never feels like it, there are deeper issues than timing (which would mean the OP needs to keep on trying because one night he will hit the jackpot).

[confidence]

'My impression from talking to various women was that there can be a certain grey area where it's not something you're particularly into, but it's not painful either. Is this not the case for some people?'

confidence that absolutely is the case, yes

So there you go.

SwallowedAFly - I'm not making any particular judgment about the OP. This argument came about because of discussion about various potential solutions, and the insistance of some posters that any solution involving a woman agreeing to have sex when she didn't personally feel horny MUST BY DEFINITION be painful, oppressive, resentment-forming and wrong. Tellmethefuture appears to feel this is not necessarily the case, as do other women I've spoken to.

Clearly everyone is different and needs to find the solution that works for their particular relationship though.

[tellmethefuture]

Those are my words only. What I'm saying is, sometimes it seems like there can only be highly enjoyable sex where both parties are gagging for it OR awful experiences where the unwilling person is forced into it. And the point is we all know that that's not the case right? There are many in-betweens, where sometimes you're not pushed and do it anyway, and that goes for both sexes. No big deal. It is what it is, that's life.

Ok that point is moot here because the op's wife doesn't want it and, crucially has given obvious signs she doesn't.

I don't think anyone can jump to the conclusion the op is crap in bed either.

[mathanxiety]

I think it does. I also think that he feels that sex is the be all and end all of the connection between them, whereas the wife may feel there is a lot more to it. He desperately wants to hang on to that connection; ironically in forcing the issue he is driving a wedge between them. I think it may have become so important to him and he has such tunnel vision about it that he is missing the point by a wide margin -- so not entirely sexual illiteracy but intimacy/relationship misunderstanding.

[confidence]

Mathanxiety - it was a joke. Hence the smiley.

[confidence]

btw, I think the aversion to kissing was during sex, and it has been suggested that this may be because she finds it very distracting -- not because she is repulsed by her H due to an affair. The OP should really ask her why and not jump to conclusions.

Agreed. I also noticed that he said the exception to this was when she was drunk.

While it's easy to assume that this is about being drunk making it easier to endure unpleasant sex, there's another possible explanation as well. I've often found that during periods when my wife goes off sex due to busyness, stress, relationship issues or whatever, getting drunk allows her to get in touch with her sexual side again. It's like the libido is suppressed rather than absent, and the alcohol sets it free.

Given that it's kissing we're talking about, I think there's a good chance she does still feel affection and desire to do that, but for whatever reason she can't let herself feel that when she's sober.

[mathanxiety]

'She must do! Partners are supposed to be able to read your mind and tell when you're not enjoying yourself whether you say so or not. Or is it only men that are supposed to have that skill?'

Why the tone? The OP's wife has to be pestered for sex, they have had arguments over the question, it is clear that she doesn't enjoy it (she lies there until it's over) -- so I think she is making herself abundantly clear, both verbally and physically.

(And actually, when men have an affair sometimes the first inkling a woman has of it is that there is a sudden improvement in quantity of sex at home.)

Larry -- "What kind of self respecting adult allows him/herself to be "used" for someone else's pleasure and then resents it afterwards? Saying no is always an option (in a normal and non violent/abusive relationship). Having sex without really participating is probably the ultimate passive/aggressive action within a relationship. I don't see what any man or woman would get out of that kind of sex, yet they are both for some reason participating in it."

The OP's wife does this. Not because she is passive aggressive but because the OP apparently will not take no for an answer and possibly because in order to keep the marriage together for everyone's sake she can bring herself to lie back and think of England. This relationship has crossed the line from 'normal' towards something else. Because the man is the one forcing the issue, he really needs to step back and ask himself the same questions that SAF asked him to consider, which you seem to have a glimmer of understanding in your last sentence there.

(btw, I think the aversion to kissing was during sex, and it has been suggested that this may be because she finds it very distracting -- not because she is repulsed by her H due to an affair. The OP should really ask her why and not jump to conclusions. He should be prepared for a bit of deflation of his ego though if she reveals the likely reason for all of this, which is that he is crap in bed)

[tellmethefuture]

'My impression from talking to various women was that there can be a certain grey area where it's not something you're particularly into, but it's not painful either. Is this not the case for some people?'

confidence that absolutely is the case, yes, and I speak as a woman who is hardly so unusual and strange as to be the only woman who has ever experienced this. I wish people would realise that not every sexual experience has to be like, a peak experience. Sweet jesus, what is it with the godam absolutes?! Why can't people understand that there are many, many shades of grey between the earth-shattering orgasm and being raped?

Getting back on topic, I agree with people who say that a female poster in the same situation would've been given an easier time, having said that, my gut, on the little info given, is that op's missus is not having an affair.
I hope you can sort things out op....

[confidence]

That's not actually what she said, but I take your point.

[mathanxiety]

'So I shouldn't give my wife oral sex because I know she loves it and is highly likely to come from it, despite the fact that I don't personally find it enjoyable and sometimes find it a bit unpleasant?

And when she does get off on it, is she being as evil and oppressive towards me as all those husbands are who sometimes have sex with their wives when they're not particularly horny? Am I being psychologically damaged by this whether I realise it or not?'

Confidence -- Does it physically hurt you? It might hurt a woman performing sex/going through the motions just to appease a H. What if she wanted to use a strap on and penetrate you? Would you agree to that out of selfless love? What if anal sex was the only thing that you found enjoyable? Would you expect her to go along with that?