Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband hates me

29 replies

sharla28 · 25/07/2011 21:09

my husband was violent and attempted to rape me on saturday. He says he hates me. I cheated on him 6 years ago and i told him after he admitted to the same and since then he says he hates me.

I am trying to be strong because I'm going on holiday Friday and I really need this holiday- I havent been away for 8 yrs. He isnt coming but I'm scared if I end it before Thursday he will do something to the house while I'm away.

I'm just getting this out I went in the toilet today at work and really wanted to cry but I feel as thought I cant cry because once I start I will never stop.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 25/07/2011 21:17

Oh sharla
who are you going on holiday with? Because you really do need to talk to someone about this because it will be going on holiday with you you know.
I hope you can sort out taking anything from the house you need so you don't need to go back there.
Please talk to someone in rl womens aid are very supportive.

notsorted · 25/07/2011 21:18

Phone www.womensaid.org.uk now and look at their website if it is safe to do so or go somewhere where it is safe to phone
0808 2000 247

HerHissyness · 25/07/2011 21:20

Love, this is not life.

This is hell.

You have to get out. As soon as you can.

You are going on holiday? great! you have the perfect cover! You will need to pack your things a little of everything, your photos, documents, passport, bills etc and you will GO. While you are away, you contact Refuge/Woman's Aid and you go there when you are supposed to go home.

If you are part owner of the house, you can get help to put a charge on it to protect any equity that is yours, otherwise, let him do whatever he likes. Get the important stuff out and yourself out and don't look back.

Honey I know you are scared, but I promise you, life will become immediately better when you leave him. You will no longer be at risk of rape or violence, you will have people that care about you looking after you. You will get help from the state, and you will pick yourself up and you will be fine.

Please seize this chance for freedom, it's your time to be happy.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/07/2011 21:20

Talk to womensaid first but you could have this man arrested, and then get an emergency injunction to keep him out of the house.
At the very least, use your holiday to plan your future without him in it. Because he's a nasty knobber and even if you did have an affair that does not mean he is entitled to attack you.

Original poster
sharla28 · 25/07/2011 21:23

Holiday with the kids and friends I dont want to ruin it for everyone.

I cant get in touch with womensaid now he will be home soon. It may have to wait until I get back I dont want to start something I cant finish if that makes sense. Once i say it out loud it will be true to me and I know there is no going back.

OP posts:
Original poster
sharla28 · 25/07/2011 21:27

How do people just up and leave their life behind? What about work and stuff?

OP posts:
notsorted · 25/07/2011 21:31

Have a look at womensaid website. You can do it quicky and if you delete history he'll not know.
There's stuff on there about the bare minimum you need to take. Can you go for a walk? Go to a friends? Try and talk to them?
Have a quick look tomorrow at work. Just say you've got a personal matter, or pull a sickie. But please get some information from them. That is power.

HerHissyness · 25/07/2011 21:38

Call them tomorrow when you can.

You have to get yourself ready and go by Friday. You can have your holiday, you won't ruin anything for anyone, just don't go back to the house.

The refuge will help you, you may still be able to stay at work, it depends on the job and depends if you are at risk from him when you leave. Call WA and let them guide you.

They help women in all kinds of situations get out and get on with their lives. There are many women on here that have had to flee to safety and not one of them regrets doing it!

You don't tell him, you don't let on what you are doing, get money together documents and just GO! you will have your holiday to get used to being free, you will be able to make arrangements in safety, and you will be able to to stop this infernal life with this hideous bully.

He will never get better, you know that. he will try to rape you again, but next time he'll try harder. He could really kill you. It is that serious.

No real friend would ever blame you for wanting to leave, any decent person would be 100% behind you. You won't ruin anything, please, you need to save your own life here, you need to get out.

fivegomadindorset · 25/07/2011 21:46

I am no expert but to me the holiday seems to be the easiest way to leave. Your friends will understand.

Original poster
sharla28 · 25/07/2011 21:51

everything you say makes sense i know i have to get out, this isnt the first time and each time the attacks get worse.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 25/07/2011 21:55

Take strength from this thread and phone womens aid as soon as you can they will hold your hand and help you all through this delicate time of leaving.
It is so perfect that you are going on hols now. DON'T go back to this man. If you can get him out of the house great
Take care

Tortington · 25/07/2011 21:55

do you own or rent the house is it in joint names? do you know the financial situation when you leave? have you got all your important documents in one place? can you get access to money? have you seen this www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

HerHissyness · 25/07/2011 21:55

Now is exactly the time to do it, he'll never suspect.

if he kicks off in the meantime, lock yourself in somewhere and call the police.

we will hold you hand for as long as you need us to. You know you have to get out, you know this isn't right, please take this window of opportunity and save yourself.

Original poster
sharla28 · 25/07/2011 22:07

The house is is my name only, i have asked him to leave before but he said i needed to give him notice? and things just got back to normal again.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 25/07/2011 22:18

You don't need to give him notice. If he attacks you again - at all, in any way - lock a door on him and call the police. Tell them he's a serious threat to your safety and you need him removed. They have the power to do this, also to forbid him returning to the house.

If I were you I'd pack early, especially the passports, money and any essential toys of the children's. You've got the perfect cover for doing it. If things stay quiet until Friday, so much the better, you'll be off as expected.

Please do ring Womens Aid when you're at work. You'll feel so much better for talking to them. What you're going through is horrible and you don't deserve it. Sad to say, hundreds of women do suffer it and Womens Aid gives them calm, practical, compassionate assistance.

KRIKRI · 25/07/2011 22:45

And, change the locks before you leave. If you have trusted neighbours, ask that they look out for him and phone the police if he comes near the house. Double check your insurance is up to date, just in case anything untoward happens, like a broken window or attempts to jig the locks. Definitely heed all the suggestions about what to take with you and, when you come back, try and arrange for someone to come with you and stay with you when you return, if you don't know that he's definitely not a threat.

Women's Aid for advice all the way. You've made a huge step already in recognising that you need to do something.

Tortington · 25/07/2011 23:26

call the police and have him removed.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/07/2011 07:54

sharla: you can do this. I know it's all a jumble of important things to do AND the most destabilising jumble of emotions you've probably ever felt, but YOU CAN DO IT.

You must: for yourself, for your children. Your safety and emotional well-being are the most important things you have; preserve them by getting out of this dangerous marriage.

Well done for realising the truth of your situation and for reaching out for help.

Talk to Women's Aid. Write a to-do list of the essential admin things you have to do before leaving on your holiday (eg. home insurance check, putting money aside, list of essential documents/medication to pack, ...) so that you can separate the emotions from the things you need to do now and go through the to-do list methodically.

Then enjoy your holidays. Your friends will understand. Even if you spend the whole time crying and talking through your emotions and harrowing experiences with H, you will be with the best possible people to do that with. They will be GLAD to be there for you at this time; NO-ONE will think you're ruining their holiday. Really.

You might even enjoy it all the more knowing that you will be going back to a life of FREEDOM from your violent H. Things can only get better now. You have the capacity and the courage you need to get through this.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/07/2011 11:35

sharla how are you doing today?

cestlavielife · 26/07/2011 11:46

it is your house. you can get him out.

dont worry about damage he may cause to the house - that can be fixed later . you could when you safely at airport or whereever send text to say he has to be gone by time you get back - then switch off phone and dont repsond to any messages from him.

yes pack your things important documents and go on holiday.

when you come back stay with friend until you can go back safely with support from police or friends and change locks and pack his stuff and put it out on street.

but i am worried he may attack you again before you leave. coudl you go today to friends with your stuff? tell him holiday started early?

please keep your phone on you and dial 999 if you need to.

it would be good if you went to police today and reproted the attack but tell them you going away friday and dont want to act right now.
but they can put marker on your phone so if you call before friday they will come quicker

Original poster
sharla28 · 26/07/2011 19:27

thanks for all your support, it means a lot. I am feeling a lot stronger today.

well today we talked for the first time since saturday. He said that he doesnt want to be violent towards me and he honestly thought i would have reported it to the police. I'm really not that stupid to believe it will never happen again but I'm just not ready to leave this week and disrupt my kids lives. I have asked him to go. He has said that he will if its what i really want and it is.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/07/2011 19:37

sharla glad to hear from you. You sound resolute.

Is he leaving then?

HerHissyness · 26/07/2011 19:39

You have to get him out of your house. It has to be before you go on holiday.

He has agreed to go, you have to follow up on that. You need to call as much RL support as you can to out number him if you have to.

Give him 24 hours to go stay somewhere else, change the locks. A man who does that doesn't get to stay overnight with you and your DC. Not EVER.

Seriously, don't listen to the platitudes, the excuses or the crawling. It's part of the abuse cycle, he won't change. He WILL do this to you again, and next time it will be harder.

I know you don't want to believe me, I wish it wasn't so, I really do, but sadly it's true. You have one chance of living well after today and that is without him in your life.

You are not disrupting your DC lives if you get him out of your house, you are SAVING their lives, and your own.

neuroticmumof3 · 26/07/2011 19:43

You could apply for an occupation order and non molestation order. That would get him out of the house and keep him away from you. You could do that before you go on holiday. Then you wouldn't have to face him when you get back.

Original poster
sharla28 · 26/07/2011 19:49

thats the thing you see i have no real life support at present. there have been around 5 violent outbursts so far and I have told no-one. My mum will be horrified and what has really hit me today imagine if it were my daughter and she didnt tell me. I havent said anything because I'm was ashamed of the affair but I realise now that is what he is using against me because he knows I wouldn't want it all dragging up again.

Yes he is leaving I am sure of that I am getting my head around it now and looking forward to my freedom - He has been so controlling to me over the years.

OP posts: