Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

HM hey at 33 loads of people haven't had kids yet and are wondering if they will. Great you are an aspiring writer, what a wonderful thing.
He is going to leech all of your self-confidence away. You know you are clever, fun, good-looking, good company. He hates it, which is why he is intent on making you feel worthless.
You will doubt yourself sometimes, you do wonder who is doing the mirroring, who is doing what to whom. In any relationship there is bound to be a bit of that. The difference is with a good relationship it is about being mutually supportive, growing together, compromising, having arguments that are productive because you both sit back and think how do we do this differently. In a bad relationship of whatever kind one person wants to bring the other down, to cause them hurt and to take out their anger on that person.

I just wanted to say I tried that technique today where you agree with whatever he says. It totally threw him off. I just kept agreeing with him. I was cleaning up the kitchen and I was opening the dishwasher which he was standing beside glued to the laptop. The door slightly hit off his knee and you'd swear I'd tried to murder him. He got in a huge strop told me I was ignorant (?) so I just agreed with him. He lost steam fairly quick.

I'm feeling very depressed today. Finding it hard to be motivated at all. Wish I could cheer up.

HAHAHAHAHAH, BreakFree

Sorry to hear you're feeling depressed. I hope it didn't stop you seeing the extremely funny side of your successful rage-deflating trick!

Breakfree, that cheered me no end. Can't wait for the next time you deflect his rage. It's a bit like some Starship Enterprise shield thing, the rays just zap back at him. I'll teleport my smile at that to you.

helpmeMN, my x used to do that. He had a nasty name for every single friend. 'The Lesbian' no she wasn't. 'robo balls' she had a job and her partner treated her like his equal. I could go on.

I agree with hissy though. I had started to let a few people go because I was only 'allowed' socialise so much. So i had to prioritise people and drop a few. I 'dropped' people who were still important to me. It's sad really. And Yet I felt proud of myself that I did still have some good friends left. And yeah, I did, and that's not to be sniffed at, but it's the start of the rot.

HelpmeMN, I can really identify with that belief that your self-worth is NOT actually damaged, I also used to think to myself "I'm clever, I'm witty, I'm good company, I'm attractive..................................." but but but but but but but but but I spent 8 years with a man who made me miserable.

I can also identify with the sleep thing. in fact if I was tired when my x wasn't tired I was lazy. If I was hungry when he wasn't hungry I was greedy. If I was full when he was hungry I was being picky/fussy. Looking back on it, I realised, I was only ever allowed to feel what he was feeling!!!

I now believe that my self-confidence WAS damaged though. WHY did I spend 8 years with this man who made me so miserable!? Is that the behaviour of a woman who does truly value herself and her own happiness??

Also HelpmeMN self-worth is not the only thing. I think you can have a basically good self-worth but it can be trampled on by negative voices or a lack of a caring voice. Why are you putting yourself through this experience day after day by staying?? You believe you are confident, clever, attractive etc.. and I'm sure you are! but yet there is something which prevents you from doing the logical thing.

Don't believe that you are clever enough to hold on to your personality despite his abusive ways. MAYBE you are, but why test yourself like that!? The more interesting 'test' would be to see how you flourish away from the abuse.

ps perhaps to put it another way HelpmeMN you believe that your core self-worth is not too badly damaged but for some reason you aren't placing ANY value at ALL on your own happiness.

Mmm I love that 'allowed' to socialise. It was a red letter day when I got to go out and when I came back, even if it was 10.30, all the lights would be off - even hallway and he'd be wrapped up in entire duvet and a silent sulk.
I remember once though he did say 'I suppose you need to get out sometimes', this was when I was on maternity leave but he'd never go out with me and one of his last acts of twattishness was to tell me I should be at home with the DCs and not neglect them.
Friend of mine told me today that I should look after myself as priority then that would have good effect on the DCs. I replied 'mmm hard to do when you've been living with a man who was so selfish that you fear anything you do for yourself will make you morph into the same behaviour.

ps, here I am again with YET another post! but I have to tell you that worrying about how he will cope when you have left him is normal but a bad reason for staying a moment longer.

I felt the full weight of his pain immediately after I left him. I could hardly breath! Oh yeah Boy did I feel his pain. i was blinded by the glare of his pain and anger. I had no idea what I felt myself for weeks. Relief I thought, but I wasn't sure. I didn't spend two minutes analysing how I felt.

It was all about him immediately after I left him. And 90% of it was anger, not pain! ALL of his wounded drama heavily underlined with martyrdom.

But whaddya know! he met somebody. And then there was a second somebody and I don't know what happened to the first one. And now I'v e totally lost track and couldn't give a fuck whether he is miserable or blaming me or blaming the postman or the avon lady for his misery.

He's making some other poor woman miserable now I believe. And I wish them luck

The going out thing is same here. He never goes out as he doesn't HAVE any friends but if I go out I never hear the end of it. I actually hate feeling that I'm ASKING to go out. Why should I be asking to have a social life apart from him when he's such an absolute w*er in the first place.

Bandwithering. I am already feeling the wrath of his anger and "pain" because he knows I want out. I act despondent and disinterested in him. You can feel the bang to his pride and ego like a nuclear bomb has gone off and the house is just suffering with radiation from his sulking moody huffiness. Part of me, I don't know what part of me it is some deranged sympathetic part of me worries about that coping part but more so for me own guilt if that makes sense.

I'm not ready to leave my house though. We are joint on the contract but I've always paid the rent and bills. He refuses to leave and for my own personal reasons of putting a lot of my own sweat and money into this house to make it a home I am in my ass leaving it since he won't stay in it on his own anyway. So he is literally using the house as a weapon and claiming that he wont leave because "why should he. The DCs are his too". I can guarantee you they'd get over it .

Ooh the martyrdom, it sucks doesn't it. They should just stand there and say go one stick pins in me cos I'm hurting. Who was it upthread wondering if they were masochistic? There must be something about the abuser that makes them want to cause pain and they say they hurt because they like that sort of thing. Why can't they be happy by themselves ffs?
BF can you do some calculations on the quiet, look into how you can change the joint tenancy, if you are paying the rent then can you still do it with him gone?
Perhaps someone on legal here can help, CAB or somewhere else?
As for the guilt that out of the FOG (forgiveness, obligation, guilt) idea is worth exploring.
I still spend a lot of time analysing his motivations, even the counsellor and I do it until she says come on we can't do this. We have even started laughing about it.

Hi helpme, don't take seriously what some people say on MN, I still find it astounding that anyone can respond to a heartfelt and serious post with arrogance and stupidity, but it happens - a LOT. That's partly why this thread is here (I think) to protect us vulnerable self-doubters from attack.

So your problem is you worry that he will have a hard time if you leave? I remember being there, once upon a time. You have to let go. Once you have managed to say to yourself 'he will be fine', a weight is lifted off your shoulders. He is a bloke, he will meet another woman, he will get a new life. If he doesn't meet anyone he will live alone through choice and find the company that he needs. Never forget, that his life might even be BETTER without you. No judgement on you, but you need to consider that you might set him free to be the man he wants to be - and explore how you would feel if he got there.

It'll pass breakfree ! I'm happy to report back that it does pass. I felt so guilty for a long time about making my x hate women 'even more'. But he never had any reasons to hate women. He treated me like shit from day one and I don't 'hate men'. He's not their sole or accurate representitive!

I saw these words of wisdom on a t-shirt "what you think of me is none of my business!" and that is the size of it now.

what you think of me is none of my business

i like that alot

haha I like that. I would love to just have this home to myself without his walking around like the grim reaper. I walked through the kitchen and happened to glance at him and he said "WHAT?" in a real how-dare-you-look-at-me way.
I want a day where I can go up to the shops, buy myself a bottle of wine and a big bar of chocolate, put myself in my pajamas. Put the DCS to bed happy and cuddled and then relax myself without wondering what he's going to do or say next.

Anyway, about me -

I went to the place today, felt like he knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going. I'm a crap liar, I waffled an excuse and left. Felt nauseous. Had to fill form in and put down emergency number for friend and texted her about that, then blubbed quietly while I waited to be seen. Texting my friend made it feel so real. She has always been there in the background, has always said 'if you ever need anything etc'. So lucky to have good people around.

Upshot is they have made an appointment for me to see a solicitor because they think he might use the children against me if he counter-attacks, so I should get 'in there first'. Not sure what that means but I think they want me to get an exclusion order so he can't stay in the house and they want me to be careful about contact because they think he may use the dcs against me or something.

Not sure what it all means apart from that I have to hang on for another week. I don't want to talk this through any more, been there, done that. I just want out, finished and a calm life the dcs and me. The house I only want for a year and after that I think we will move. And tonight we were with my brother, having a laugh, him talking about minor details about the house (he knows my family so well, is so ingrained in my life). So hard to accept the truth, and the truth is, we argued on the way there, and argued on the way back.

Garlic, thanks so much for warning me about the tiredness, I came back from the centre and slept for 3 hours! Just conked out. Haven't napped since dcs were little. It's so weird when you hardly feel anything but your body knows what it needs and takes over.

I was reading your 'martyrdom' posts just now, and thinking "Oh, X#2 didn't do that". Then I remembered his complaints about my emotional abuse, how he told me he married me to make me feel secure (not because he wanted to spend his life with me or anything) and a few other things. I remembered him curled up in the back seat of a cab, whimpering that "my words felt like sharp knives" except that I was, quite calmly, asking him not to spend half the night and hundreds of pounds in strip clubs quite so often. How he went on, and on, about friends who'd never repaid him loans of £40 or £70 - years ago - he who thought nothing off ripping of a bar for £300, and who rarely gave back the cash he frequently cadged from me.

I never applied the label martyrdom! But it was, wasn't it - all "Poor me" (and fuck everybody else.) Nice bit of mental purging there, ladies, thanks!

gggrrrrr, me too BF....I look after the kids ALL the time..my pet hate at the moment...on a saturday evening, after entertaining them all day, feeding them etc, cleaning up the trail of destruction they have created, having a lovely bath, sitting down in my PJs to watch film with said bar of chocolate...then HE arrives home, when all the work is done-kicking his shoes off dumping his bag and coat, messing up the kitchen cooking, or spilling takeaway all over the place, talking loudly on his phone, changing my channel, picking picking picking

Barbie, I'm so pleased you've got some grown-ups on your side now, and some good, warm friends like your brother.

You will be okay.
x

bejeezus what is it about men that they just charge around as if they are the only human being in the world, while we tiptoe around trying not to disturb, not to make a mess or upset anyone, they crash in without any concept of anyone else's needs?

Don't get me started on him coming home from work late and then 'playing' with the dcs when they were little, i.e. winding them up so they are live wires and end up staying up really late and get up tired for school the next day. What is that about? I just wouldn't do that - would anyone?

Great Barbie! I'm glad to hear your brother is with you.

"Garlic, thanks so much for warning me about the tiredness, I came back from the centre and slept for 3 hours! Just conked out. Haven't napped since dcs were little. It's so weird when you hardly feel anything but your body knows what it needs and takes over"

Is that why I'm sleeping a lot? I wonder is the detatchment a sort of body surrender of sorts!

Garlic, brother doesn't know what's going on and has had bad experience with exes so not the best person on this one, but we get on well now so had a good evening. stbex tends to join in in a slightly odd way at family things, but my family's slightly odd anyway so it usually goes down well!

I used to moan to said friend (and others) until about a year ago when I stopped. I decided it was just boring for everyone and I wasn't getting anywhere. Sometimes it diminishes the impact of things when you tell people, it makes you feel better, deflects the pain, but it doesn't change anything. But she knew why I stopped talking about it, as in, it wasn't because everything had suddenly got better. Actually she provides a bit of a local refuge service, I'm not the only person she supports, she has them all crying on her shoulder!

no i dont think they would barbie -mums wouldnt anyway. would normal dads do that? i dont know

my stbxh doesnt really know his kids at all...he is always making comments about some aspect of them, that they have moved on from weeks ago, but he just spends so little time with them and is so inattentive that he is always a few hundred steps behind

he would have no clue that playing before bedtime would make it difficult to sleep. In fact I have told him off for this before and obviously got it in the neck, for trying to stop him spending time with his children/ trying to turn them against him blah blah blah

Last night (11pm), he refused to sort out eldest who had a friend for a sleep over, because it was my idea. he refused to comfort screaming baby because i had let eldest have friend over (?i dont know!?), he refused to do mountain of washing up because I had left some plate scraping on plate...what EVer!!!

well done barbie...sounds like big strides. Stay strong

I have my divorce petition on the shelf...just need to pluck up courage to read it

bejeezus it's really not worth the hassle is it. You're doing well to detach from it. DCs don't need to see mummy and daddy playing at teenagers!

I think he saw my dear john letter on the computer cos we are on a network and he was looking for something. I tried to delete it but it said the document was open, but it wasn't open on my computer! But I am definitely going to try not to get paranoid about it.

We are not married so i don't have to go through the whole divorce thing. In many ways I'm glad, even though I have less rights it will make it a bit more straightforward.