Had a long discussion with dh tonight and...

[chicagomum]

he has pretty much said that if I don't put up with the behaviour etc from his family and stay in London then we will "have to rethink things". I don't know what to as I would love to get the children into an area where we can get them into a decent state school plus would love to distance myself from the all involving "clutches" of his mother. In addition I miss being able to see my parents without having to do a 2-3 hour drive.But as he has the "bread earning job" I seem to take back seat. And with the pressure of his entire extended family I seem to be nothing more than a sucessful breeding mare for 2 beautiful and healthy children.

extended family pressure is mil making arrangements to do things with dd (almost 4) without asking, expecting us to go over there at least 2/3 times a week, phoning at least once a day (at home and at the office). Making ME feel guilty because her grandson doesn't now her (because her son's job took us abroad for 6 months out of his first year of life) and today I had a message saying that because she couldn'ttake her grandaughter to school I was trying to cut her out of our lives. When I tried to speak to dh about it and my desire to live outside of london he said he likes it here as he ahs his family friends and job etc if i didn't like it then we would have to think about our arrangement.

I think in the face of that, I would be thinking about rethinking things. Sounds very much like he wants it all his own way.

agree with hunkermunker. or e could just mean that as a couple you would need to trhink about/consider your options together- there may be no 'threat' as we have perceived there to be

Your arrangement? Whatever happened to compromise? I'm really sorry to hear this, CM. I have some issues with my MIL too. She hassles to collect the boys from school at least once a week. This sounds fine, but she then feeds them crap and lets them run riot. If we saw her infrequently I could deal with it.

Chicagomum - poor you, this sounds horrible. I do remember your tribulations over his mother when you were away. It does seem that your DH is being very unreasonable - you have moved around to follow him, you have moved to Llondon because he likes it, he needs to listen to your needs, too!

In manouvering to move out of London, would it be more tactful to predicate it on everyihtng BUT getting out of reach of his family? But concentrate of quality of life for children, etc?

By 'rethink things' does he mean yur relationship? Is he usually so unyeilding? he would split up rather than move to a commutable distance from London?

The question is is it possible to get someone to come back from a stance of total defiance to any change to a position of compromise or am i going to be fighting a losing battle. I do love him (we have been together for 14 years)but i feel trapped. London is all about him, his family his job, his friends/school/childhood. I camehere with him as I had no particular ties to any where. So I guess some could thingk it could have given me a sense of belonging, but instead it has made me feel stiffled as his life leaves no time for me to develop any of my own.

He sounds like he's being very selfish. What would he do if you challenged him and said that things can't continue like this?

This whole thing started with my saying that I couldn't do this any more. I feel that I have been sucked into some sort of stepford family situation, (he used to give info regarding my scans/antenatal classes to all of them etc). I would so love to move away to get some breathing space and a better chance for our children. But if they call he drops everything to go over there and sort things out. CR*P I just don't know how to approach this or if there is anything I can do that will make the blind bit of difference.

"rethink things", "think about our arrangement". I'm really sorry but it sounds to me as if there is a lot more the matter than just interfering in-laws.

The strange thing is passionflowerinapeartree everything else is ok. I mean it's not all about his parent's but it is all about staying in london. The brunt of it is -

(1) The schools round here are pretty poor.
(2) I am not asking/wanting him to give up his job (atm it takes him at least 1hour to come home )
(3) My family live more south west of london and rarely get to see them.
(4) and yes if I am absolutely honest I would love to put a little space between our house and his mother's house to prevent unexpected visits.

How did the big discussion start, CM? Was it with your ultimatum? (and understandable one, i think!), that you just couldn't put up with it? because if so, do you think he is asking that same question, too? (about getting someone back from an intractable position).
It sounds as if it needs a whole new conversation, with a different beginnning.
Did he really call your marriage 'an arrangement'?
I completely sympathise with your point of view - nothing is based on your neds or feelings AT ALL.
How old are your kids? Would it help if you went back to your own work, to get a life of your own? Oh, have remembered they are quite small - there was a 'cot debacle' over themn stayoing oin America, wasn't there?

He MIGHT need a big shock form you about how serious you are, how miserable your situation is, and how it migt be as well to listen to his DW's demands in the same way he listens to his mother!

He doesn't sound as if he is the 'go for counselling' type?

Do you knw where you would like to live?

Would somewhere in London near a really good school make it ok for you? And with ok access for the SW?

The ridiculous thing is that I am going back to work next monday (as yet without arranged childcare, but that is yet another story). This is not a new disagreement, but one that always ends in the same position. He earns more money has more security/(power) and if we moved out of London we wouldn't be near any friend's family etc etc ("so do you want us all to be unhappy to make you feel better").

But it's OK for you to be unhappy so he gets his way?

In your position, I would be investigating my options. MY options. From what you've said here, that's emotional blackmail and controlling behaviour and there's no man alive I'd put up with that from.

Can you check out some estate agency websites (rightmove, assertahome, etc) to see the kinds of prices of the areas you're interested in?

Gosh - he sounds awful

Do you really have to put up with this kind of controlling behaviour?

It sounds as if you are both having some difficulty communicating over this - maybe you have to find some way of unblocking things, so that you have some chance of reaching a compromise. And by that I don't mean letting him have things all his own way!

OH CM so sorry you are having these problems so soon after making that big move back. Are you sure everything is living up to DH's expectations really? I wonder whether trying to keep up with his friends etc and he might be finding things are now much different to before he left therefore he feels the need to cling on even more.

I worry about this with DP tbh, we're hoping to move to Bristol as I said to you at the meetup, and all his friends are there. Admittedly most now have their own girlfriends, but there is something within him that seems to make him cling on to that group so strongly, it even meant he got himself into large amounts of debt just so he could go to the pub with them / some of them 3/4 times a week. I'm hoping he'll have grown up somewhat in this respect since we have been away. At least our MIL is decidedly disinterested.

Couldn't you consider somewhere in surrey / kent. Still almost London. But countryfied and probably better quality of life and schools. It shouldn't all be about him and if it is, sod him. He'll soon wake up and realise what he will be missing. Sorry, but really rather on your behalf.

I have been investigating options of areas outside london "but within a reasonable commuting distance of his work" but he can come up with all kinds of reasons they are wrong.

The problem is that I do love him.

I'm not making excuses for this but I'm also not going to throw this all away. We have been together so many years, have 2 lovely children (who we both adore).

However I do realise if this isn't resolved this is going to cause irreversible damage to our relationship.

Can you go to counselling?

I don't think you're making excuses at all - it's hard when you've been with someone that long and have two children together (have been with DH nearly 14 years too and cannot imagine not being).

But if this isn't sorted, you will end up resenting him. Would he change if you did say you were leaving, do you think? Can understand if it's too scary to call his bluff like that though!

CM, I live in Herts and its very easy to get into london, 20 mins, on the fast train straight to Kings Cross. Just giving you ideas to throwat your hubby.Sounds to me that things aren't going to well tho, I only skimmed over this thread, its late.

HM have thought about saying/bluffimg leaving but so much is tied up around here (house/mortage/his wosk/and soon my work). But tbh would be terrified about being on my own (and if it ever came to it he would surely get the children due to his financial situation).

No, don't think that custody goes to the one with the most money - plus you are married and have joint assets, I assume? Custody most often awarded to the mother I think, but you aren't to be thinking about that yet, OK?

Well, as you say, you don't want to throw it all away, and it would be a great shame if this led to anything like that, but I bet he WOULDN'T get the children!

OMG can't believe I'm even posting thoughts about who would "get the children". Think perhaps I ought to slow my thought process down a bit.

It's OK, I didn't hear you say it