Had a long discussion with dh tonight and...

[chicagomum]

he has pretty much said that if I don't put up with the behaviour etc from his family and stay in London then we will "have to rethink things". I don't know what to as I would love to get the children into an area where we can get them into a decent state school plus would love to distance myself from the all involving "clutches" of his mother. In addition I miss being able to see my parents without having to do a 2-3 hour drive.But as he has the "bread earning job" I seem to take back seat. And with the pressure of his entire extended family I seem to be nothing more than a sucessful breeding mare for 2 beautiful and healthy children.

Cos if it's just work / ordinary relationship / negotiation friction, I think either Relate or some face to face serious chat where you can explain how you're feeling about all this is needed. You have enough on your plate with a return to work and sorting your emergency childcare out !

I always thought it was a dodgy team too . Can't really believe he is cheating on me, as I know he adores the children. But it all doesn't add up.

Oh CM, you sound so sad and alone, and it really isn't very fair of him to be leaving you like this in the week before you go back to work.

I don't know what to suggest in the onger term, but right now,i thnk that the galss of wine and MN is a good idea.

I also wponder whether you shouldn't concentrate, for the next few weeks, on new job, new childminder, Christmas etc etc, and then come at this again, afresh, and when you yourself are feling a little more grounded. About to start new job / childcare is a very vulnerable time, IME. I also wonder whether this situation is one of those which is best dealt with by either a big blow-up in which he is left in no doubt whatsoever that this is a defining misery for you...or by gentle stealth and an unpressured look. i gather that with new job, etc, an immedaite move might not be on the cards anyway?

IF the MIL situation was solved, would you be happy to stay in London?

Why do you think he does kow-tow to her so much?

CM, he sounds like he's being a good dad, but there's more to it than playing with the children, etc. I think a decent respectful relationship with his children's mother is a huge part of being a good dad.

Do you feel like this is a situation you're happy to live with? I get the feeling the answer to that is no! Can you say to him that you'd like to reach a happy compromise about your situation atm?

Yeah, I could sense / ('hear') that in your mind it didn't add up, which prompted my unusual brusqueness.

I think the 'blow up chat' or 'stealth approach' has got to be your call.

Would love to continue this discussion, but don't know when he will be home and tbh am so tired, Will hopefully find time to post tomorrow bur in the meean time any advice welcomr.

Get a good night's kip, cm. Maybe things will be much clearer in the AM.

Sleep tight, CM - try not to fret. Will be around tomorrow if you need a chat - will check your thread again x x x

Sorry things are pants for you at the moment CM. I have no advice or insights but will call you soon so we can meet up again and have a chat.

Hope you have a good nights sleep.
x

CM, if I were you, I would absolutely make myself unavailable. I also would stop cooking dinner for someone who can't confirm his presence at the table BEFORE I begin to cook it. And, if he does fail to show up, I would most certainly expect an apology.

Oh CM, this sounds unpleasant. Can't you call that nosey MIL get her take the kids and go indulge in some me time... say at a lovely spa.

What does your DH do? Is it normal in his line of work to work these long hours?

CM, how are you today? Did you get to have your talk in the end?

As I went to bed last night, realising that I am someone who frequently works late and becomes distant when v engrossed in work, and is certainly NOT having an affair, I just thought that CM doesn't need to jump to any conclusions...

Had along think to myself last night after logging out. In the cold light of day I honestly don't think he is having an affair.He came home at 1am, and has informed me that he will be as late again tonight. (Yesterday afternoon I thought I would be clever and cook a smoked haddock and prawn pie that could do 2 nights and prepared a lamb shank stew to go in the slow cooker for tonight. I ended up eating left overs last night, so now have 3 meals which will go to partial waste).

As we didn't get a chance to talk last night and won't again tonight I decided the only way to go was send him an email at work. (I know work isn't the place for him to start dealing with this but I can't wait forever until he's at home and the kids aren't there). I explained to him exactly how I am feeling and the reasons why I want to move. I obviously put in that it is in part to do with his mother (and explained that I'm sure he finds that hurtful, but that is the way I feel) but even if that was resolved I would still feel happier elsewhere as I trully feel it isn't for the best for the children with the poor schools in our area etc.

I also went on to say that although I realise his job is very full-on and demanding he is still a father and a husband and needs to prioritise his time to those facets of his life too. I have also decided that for the time being I will eat with the children during the week unless I have a gaurentee (sp?) by 5pm that he will be home, and will ensure there is something for him if he will eat at home later.

Had a very brief message back from him saying he can't discuss it now as he is inundated at work, but he has taken on board all that I have said and now realises how bad the situation has become, so as soon as we can (whenever that is god only knows!) we will discuss it and see what we can do to rectify/improve the situation.

So (ATM) I am feeling more positve about the situation, and hopefully will continue to do so once we have actually spoken. I realise that any decisions we make will not be possible immediately (eg moving) due to buying/selling and also my job etc etc so am aware there will be no quick fix, but at least if I know it will happen eventually I think that should keep me going.

A huge thankyou to you all for letting me bend your collective ears and will happily do the same for you should you ever need it (although I hope you never do).

Oh, and P.S. Sorry this is a long and whittering post.

Sounds like a good e-mail and good initial response, cm. Truly hope the full-on stuff at his work settles a bit and that you two can negotiate something that works both ways. Sounds like he has taken on-board your points, even if you guys can't both go over stuff straight away.

Good luck !

Sounds a lot more positive - very glad to hear it, CM x x x

that sounds more promising, chicagomum . Hope you two can get things sorted now.

p.s. freeze the food for when you're back at work. Good luck!

Really glad to hear that you are feeling more positive cm. I am largely a work widow atm and it is tough, and requires such a huge amount of trust and mutual support.

Glad things are looking a little better today CM.
xxx

Major breakthrough!!! Have just got off the phone with MIL who was saying seeing as dh and fil are off to the footie together on saturday afternoon I should come over for lunch and spend the afternoon with her and meet dh there and perhaps stay for dinner.
I said "That is very kind of you but as I return to work on Monday the weekend is going to be busy and I have made arrangements to meet the new nanny at the park either sat or sun afternoon so the kids can get to know her a bit better. So thanks for the offer but I think this weekend is out." Have never managed to say no to her before. She was quite taken aback but accepted it. TBH it was rather liberating .

Yay!

LOL... you're on a roll now...

You go girl. Give her a bit of Chicago attitude.

(I can lend you some of mine if you like)

Good for you!

Great work! Well done you!