Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Had a long discussion with dh tonight and...

116 replies

chicagomum · 28/11/2005 22:37

he has pretty much said that if I don't put up with the behaviour etc from his family and stay in London then we will "have to rethink things". I don't know what to as I would love to get the children into an area where we can get them into a decent state school plus would love to distance myself from the all involving "clutches" of his mother. In addition I miss being able to see my parents without having to do a 2-3 hour drive.But as he has the "bread earning job" I seem to take back seat. And with the pressure of his entire extended family I seem to be nothing more than a sucessful breeding mare for 2 beautiful and healthy children.

OP posts:

Blu · 04/12/2005 15:34

CM - well done! And good luck with the start of your job, and new nanny etc, tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

NotHavingXmasInChicagomum · 04/12/2005 21:04

Thanks for remembering . Actually the realiy of going back to work having not been there for a year has suddenly hit home. Have been preety cranky all day. The house is clean and tidy for the nanny tomorrow (god nows why but I hate peolple seein my house a mess). Have sorted out what I'm wearing and bathed, done my hair etc. Mean to have an early night but not sure if I can sleep. Wish me luck everyone.

AChristmasCarolinamoon · 04/12/2005 21:05

Good luck for tomorrow

AwayInAMunker · 04/12/2005 21:14

Good luck for tomorrow, CM! WIll be thinking of you - hope it goes well x x x

Passionflowerinapeartree · 04/12/2005 21:39

Good luck

SnowQueenVictoria · 04/12/2005 21:40

Good luck CM . xxx

Flum · 04/12/2005 21:54

Just picked this thread up by accident. and been glued to it. Good luck with work tomorrwo Chicago mum. It sounds as if it can be worked out.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 04/12/2005 22:38

So sorry to hear about this. You must feel very isolated and alone. Do you think this is why his mother is behaving as she is? Because she knows that you are far from home with no family here so she thought you would be easy to control?

Your dh needs to be a lot more understanding. I know you think you have a lot to lose if you walk out, but you do need to shake him up a bit. Perhaps, like his mother, he is also banking on the fact that you have no family or friends to speak of, in England so you have nowhere to go? He probably thinks that he and the kids are all you have. Is he right? So no matter what your threats, he is taking you for granted because he knows that you will never carry them out.

Spend a weekend with a girlfriend, just to get away from him for a while and think about things. It is out of order for him not to return home with such short notice, and then to blame you! Don't put up with it, you deserve much more than this!

I'm afraid that now is the time to be strong, because if you don't they will slowly grind you to the ground. I don't mean that he is doing it deliberately, but if his mother is like this, and from the way he has been treating you, well you know what I mean.

Make sure that he knows that you are an independant person in your own right. Make him respect you! A relationship is nothing without respect. I wish you the very best of luck.

uwila · 05/12/2005 07:58

Good luck today, CM. Let us know how the first day back goes. And of course let us know about the nanny.

AwayInAMunker · 05/12/2005 19:14

How was your first day, CM? Hope it went well x x x

NotHavingXmasInChicagomum · 05/12/2005 19:48

First day report.

Back to work was really nice. Not fantastic, not diabolical just (and I know some find it a rather "pathaetic" word) nice. Calm peacful gentle and somehow I am back in the paying work environment. Did get a tad annoyed about the comments that my working week starts and finishes on monday, but was so suprised about how many of my patients were so happy I'm back.

The new nanny coped fabulously with the children despite their snotty noses, (and as is the norm they were better behaved for her than me).

On the down side my little boy took his first steps today, and I missed it. Gutted but what can I do?

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 05/12/2005 19:50

Brill! It's nice to get an uplift like that isn't it? Have you spoken with dh yet?

brusselsbeansprout · 05/12/2005 19:50

First steps don't count unless you are there!

Our childminder told me that ds (13m) said a fully formed "hello" the other week. Er, don't think so. A lot of people will convince themselves that they have seen firsts that they haven't!

Anyway, glad you had a good day

SnowQueenVictoria · 05/12/2005 20:06

Glad it went well

Beansprout is right - it doesnt count if you werent there (and i bet the nanny was exaggerating a teensy bit ).

Good for you
xxx

AwayInAMunker · 05/12/2005 20:19

Oh, absolutely doesn't count until you see! DS walked the length of the room for the first time when I was at work (so DH claims ). Did it for the FIRST time later that week

Glad it went well

sugarbaby · 05/12/2005 21:57

Hi CM I just picked up this thread and read it through to the end. Your situation reminds me somewhat of my own situation just over a year ago.

I live in Swindon (well someone has to, lol), but DH works in London, so obviously it's a bit of a commute for him. He got fed up of the commuting and decided that we should move to Surrey to be closer to London. I wasn't sure as I am settled here, and I don't make friends very easily, but DH convinced me that it was the right thing to do. We sold the house and everything, found a house in West Byfleet in Surrey, and were within about a week of exchange of contracts. As the process continued I became more and more unhappy, until eventually I got to the point where I just didn't see myself staying with him any more (we have been together for 10 years). Then one night it just all came to a head when he realized just how much I had backed away from him, we had a very long conversation, and the outcome was that we're still in Swindon. He never realized just how bad things were for me, but all I could see was that he would have his friends that he currently has, his same job, the same people, whereas I would be in a strange place with a 2 year old. The reality was that DH was absolutely mortified that I was so unhappy and that he felt he was the cause, he never knew it was that bad.

There are two people in a relationship, and your DH needs to realize this, if you left, (and I am by no means suggesting that you should even consider doing that), but if you did, the likelyhood is that the children would go with you as you have been their main carer for the first years of their lives, and custody normally goes to the mother anyway. But it's worth using that as a trump card if ever you have to. good luck

Flip

1 2 3 4 5