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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had a long discussion with dh tonight and...

116 replies

chicagomum · 28/11/2005 22:37

he has pretty much said that if I don't put up with the behaviour etc from his family and stay in London then we will "have to rethink things". I don't know what to as I would love to get the children into an area where we can get them into a decent state school plus would love to distance myself from the all involving "clutches" of his mother. In addition I miss being able to see my parents without having to do a 2-3 hour drive.But as he has the "bread earning job" I seem to take back seat. And with the pressure of his entire extended family I seem to be nothing more than a sucessful breeding mare for 2 beautiful and healthy children.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 30/11/2005 21:39

CM, was it a recorded voice message? My friend's mobile sends those to landlines.

Hope he's home soon. FWIW, I think it's common for men to avoid talking about things like this (not Hub2Dee, obviously - but he's a gem among rubble ).

hub2dee · 30/11/2005 21:42

LOL, he just texted your landline instead of your mobile by mistake then.

Oh, hunker, we're all as bad as each other, only I cloak my uselelessness with emoticons.

spidermama · 30/11/2005 21:44

I discovered this whilst browsing and thought of you chicagomum.

Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 21:48

He just phoned and said that he willbe at work for a little while yet but should be home in 2 hours or maybe 3. So maybe we could talk then. But said it was my own fault that I had cooked food for this evening that will go to waste because I should know that he may not be home for meals (but if he is he would most certainly expect a meal on the table).

OP posts:
Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 21:50

By the way (and I don't know if it makes any differenc) but I don't have a mobile.

OP posts:
spidermama · 30/11/2005 21:52

God! My DH knows full well not to expect anything.
I think you and the kids need to go away for a long weekend without him.

CarolinaMoon · 30/11/2005 21:54

jeez, he is being a real knob

Is it maybe that he feels forced into a corner and is biting back in a weirdly avoidant way?

Dp has been known to react when I say how I want things to be by laying down all sorts of ultimatums (ultimata?) that he doesn't really mean - he just feels forced to react like that and it all escalates way beyond what's justified. Maybe if one of you could admit it's gone too far you could then discuss it more honestly?

hub2dee · 30/11/2005 21:54

cm, is he routinely late with work like this ?

Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 21:55

The truth is (and I may regret this) is that I have now poured myself a glass of wine and am crying to myself about how this could have gone so wrong.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 30/11/2005 21:55

re it being your own fault about dinner!

Would be very tempted never to cook for him again and tell him it's his own fault!

hunkermunker · 30/11/2005 21:57

Oh, sweets - you can work it out, I promise. It might not be perfectly fixed and back to happy families, because worked out might mean something different - but you'll be happier, I promise. This is no way to go on - he's being not very nice at all to you Is there a chance he feels threatened that you're going back to work and might be more "equal partner" with a say in where you live, etc?

CarolinaMoon · 30/11/2005 21:57

awwww!!

Can you have a nice warm bath and go to bed with a good book or preferably go to sleep? Don't wait up for him, it'll make you feel even worse .

Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 21:59

Yes hub he is frequently late like this. Has even been lste and phoned me from hesthrow etc to say he is on his way abroad (obviously). But this is the first time I have ever had a message form him thats not him iyswim.

OP posts:
hub2dee · 30/11/2005 22:01

Sorry if I am way out of line here, or if I make you feel worse, but I take it he's working, not, erm, with someone else ?

Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 22:04

No hub that is certain,can trace him back to the office and often speak to his pa who assures me he is still there,

OP posts:
hub2dee · 30/11/2005 22:04

phew. fab. sigh of relief.

I wasn't trying to be an ass, nor hurt you, just lookin' out for ya. X

beetroot · 30/11/2005 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hub2dee · 30/11/2005 22:06

I think he needs to clearly understand his priorities then, cm...

cos there's no point working for projects / deals / money / glory... and having her indoors in a grump.

Perhaps you can calmly (and clearly) lay down an iron fist and outline your (and the kids' needs) ? You sound really unhappy.

CarolinaMoon · 30/11/2005 22:07

Nooooo. He is just digging his heels in and doesn't want to deal with the issue at hand.

But he has to. Not tonight though. Can you get some time alone to talk at the weekend?

Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 22:07

although I guess he could be having an affair with her I guess .

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CarolinaMoon · 30/11/2005 22:08

ooop , that was re it being an excuse for being with someone else

hub2dee · 30/11/2005 22:09

cm.... I'm a bloke. I haven't ever cheated. But something feels odd between you... have you had this as a possibility in the back of your mind, or are you just directing your anger and sadness at wild, unlikely possibilities ?

Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 22:10

This weekend involves a SPURS match and taking the kids to the park (so he is a good dad) and a family sunday lunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
chicagomum · 30/11/2005 22:10

This weekend involves a SPURS match and taking the kids to the park (so he is a good dad) and a family sunday lunch.

OP posts:
hub2dee · 30/11/2005 22:12

oooooh, dodgy team, cm

Shouldn't he support a proper footabll team like Liverpool ?

Seriously, he's late, he's out of contact, there's an odd message on your phone, he's distant etc. etc.... is the PA covering his ass ?