'think not feel
Been my salvation at times, those three little words (=
I think I have to face reality in that I will never know.
Wanting to know is normal, the issue you have is that this man is well beyond the more typical cheating spouse variety type of context. His most basic motivations for being with you look dubious.
Since he is the one source of information, you have the problem that the only place you can get answers from, is as useful as a lead weight as a life jacket. Cos his interests lie in persuading you to give him what he wants, not him giving you what you need to know.
The one comfort in this situation, is that wanting to know is a phase, not a state.
You might not notice the urgency of the need fading over time, cos it happens by tiny increments. But one day, not that far in the future, you'll suddenly realize that whatever it was based on, it doesn't matter any more.
I have never, and will never, understand why my first husband married me. He didn't need a visa, his family are wealthy and well connected, he took me back to his country at the halfway mark in our relationship cos he was sick to death of England. But without a hidden need that the partner can fulfill, it makes no sense to be with and marry somebody that you don't appear to like very much, much of the time (makes even less sense to marry somebody who doesn't seem to like you, but there you go). So there must have been something I was unaware of going on under the surface.
I really did get stuck on that question of "Why ? and what the fuck was our whole decade long relationship about and based on ?". So I know how pressing those questions can be and I know how it can almost possess you, the need to find out.
But the only real peace on offer is the acceptance that you can never know, because the person with the answers will never tell you the truth, because it does not serve their purpose and it cannot show them in a good light. And even if they did tell you the truth how could your recognize it as that ? Too many lies kill trust stone dead to the point that somebody's word is worthless.
Takes some time to get to an easy acceptance, but once there, you are well on the road to not actually caring why anymore, just being very grateful that it is past not present. And that is a real liberation. Hard won, but worth every single tear and moment of holding fast, when all you want to do is run to them and say "Kill me all over again please" when you ask for an explanation and the truth.
Big fat hug love, you are doing amazingly well I know you might not feel like you are so strong, but actions count more than words and all your actions point to somebody with an amazing backbone and a huge sense of purpose.
Think not feel, one hour at a time if needed, it will get you to the other side of the valley and onto higher ground.