I feel used.....

[Actanonverba]

I feel used, betrayed and resentful. Brief background information. Met my current ?Partner? in 2003 whilst working in Morocco. He couldn?t get a visa to visit me here so I felt as though I had no choice than to, either end the relationship or marry him. I took the second option. The moment he arrived here he seemed like a different person although we had been ?together? for 4 years.
After being here 3 weeks he told me he had ?relatives? he wanted to visit on the South coast. I had work commitments which he knew about but was adamant he had to go on this particular day and ended up going by train. Fast forward to Sunday evening when I received a phone call telling me to pick him up! Explained it was a 200 mile round trip and I couldn?t do it. Had a few words about it, ending with me telling him to stay with his cousins.
I spoke to him a few days later when I got the impression that all he was bothered about was coming back because of his ?visa? conditions. This led to a heated argument and I ended the call and took legal advice. If I am completely truthful I have always had doubts as to the ?real? reason he wanted to marry me.
Fast forward a few months, I have applied for a Nullity of marriage and we had a hearing date which the Judge decided to hear in full on the actual day and granted me my decree. This was not before his solicitor trying (on his behalf) to claim halve my assets, which thankfully was dismissed.
No contact with him till a year later when a phone call leads us to meet up. We started a relationship again when I made it clear I wanted the complete truth on everything. I feel there have been numerous things he has hidden or lied about. He gave his word this would happen. Obviously it didn?t! A month or so later I found emails to various females claiming his love and devotion to them!
When I challenged him he said he was just ?using? the other women. WTF???!
This has been the on/off situation for the last few years until the most recent ?episode?. I asked him to stay with his friend (male) for a couple of days as we had been arguing a lot and I had important exams coming up. He agreed and we spoke each day on the phone and agreed to meet up later in the week when he would come home with me. Fast forward to the arranged day and I meet him to find his neck covered in love bites.............
Obviously hit the roof. Turns out he had been forging a ?friendship? with a woman he met through work and had been staying with her. Furthermore they (him and her) had agreed to marry and had even been so far to see a solicitor as obviously he is still subject to immigration rules. He did have the courtesy to tell me he didn?t love her but needed to ?secure? his positon in the UK!
He took great delight in telling me the explicit details of their time together and how I should be grateful he has chosen to be with me?
He doesn?t contribute anything financially, sits playing computer games for 12 hours a day, never lifts a finger round the house unless I ask and generally makes me feel like shit.
I don?t trust him, I don?t believe anything he says, I still question why he is with me and I need this to end right now. How do I get final closure? My life has moved on so much and my future definitely doesn?t include him. Why do I still feel so hurt?
This is a very shortened version of events but it gives the general picture.

good for you and well done - you will such a weight has lifted!

you will feel such a weight has lifted!

Good Morning Acta, another early riser here, cheering you on and impressed by the strength you are showing.

Morning ladies! I was supposed to be going into work but have delayed it till later to prioritise the important things!

I have taken the strength of all of your words to help me do this and feel almost liberated! Its almost like a whole new world out there without him leeching off me.

I need to answer all of your questions as you have been so helpful and kind and in time I will do so. Don't all desert me now as I think I may be needing you all in the next few days. I don't expect him to go quietly but I am hardened now to the tears, tantrums and threats.

So what do I now do with his stuff? I don't want it littering my driveway but want it gone.

Will all his stuff fit in the car ?

If so you could drop it if off outside his work place.

Or the house of a friend of his.

Text him as soon as it is all out of the car and outside the building, to tell him his gear won't last long unless he comes and gets it. Include the info that he contacts you or turns up at your house your first call will be the police, the second will be immigration.

Don't text till it is all out of the car and you are in the car ready to go. Then text and drive. If it gets nicked, oh well, the world is a hard place with some horrible people in it. But he knows that already, being a fully paid up member of the horrible people.

The advantage of that way is that he will be busy dealing with his stuff, which means it is less easy for him to just drop everything and scuttle over to your house like the cockroach he is.

And he'll have time to digest the consequences of not just staying away cos the energy required to power anger will be distracted into dealing with a fait accompli, rather than trying to find a way to make you back down so he doesn't have to deal with the logistics.

It quite literally chops one stage out of the process from moving him from your home to somewhere else. And that step from the doorstep to elesewhere is the hardest for the person having to leave, cos getting you to back down is always going to look like the easier and more attractive option compared to shifting his stuff and finding somewhere to take it to.

If his stuff is away from your house and already in another place he has no choice other than to deal with the first stage on your terms and in your time frame.

If it doesn't appeal fair enough, but it is an option if you don't want him to darken your doorstep ever again.

Don't all desert me now as I think I may be needing you all in the next few days.

Nobody is going anywhere love.

You quite honestly have been amazing, you are not going to lack support.

Sorry I am here but am busy blitzing the house. I want every last reminder of him gone. Shame really as he bought me a nice vase but sod it I can buy a nicer one!

Is it normal to feel angry, upset, guilty, etc all in the space of a few minutes?

Something I have just thought of and maybe someone can offer an answer. My mobile phone is in his name ( I pay my bill but he was offered a good deal on a second contract ) is there anyway to transfer it over to me?
I have had the same number for about 10 years and really need to keep it due to work contacts.
Should I keep his stuff until he has transferred it? Confused now!

fastweb, his 'stuff' amounts to 2 bin bags so easily fits in my car. He doesn't have any friends that I know of? Should I contact the woman he went to last time and see if she wants him? I could drop it there, if not, then it will have to be his work.
He is under the misguided impression that he can 'form a new relationship' and use article 8 of the Immigration act to stay in the UK.

OMG I have been used from beginning to end as a way into this country. Whoever said earlier that he never loved me hit the nail on the head.

Ring the phone provider and explai the situation. See what they suggest.

Do not let a mere detail like this stall you.

Btw this won't be the first time a phone provider has had to deal with this sort of thing. Also does he know any of your passwords or pin numbers for anything? If so change them now.

Make sure your daughters know not to let him in under any circumstances or to answer the phone to him.

Stay strong you can do this.

Is it normal to feel angry, upset, guilty, etc all in the space of a few minutes

Yes, but it will pass, just push through it. Stick on some really "up beat" music on loud, sing along, and clear him out. Good mantra for this one is "Think, not feel, Think, not feel, Think, not feel"

Don't take it to the other woman, don't aid him in making her his next mark, not to mention it will send him the wrong message, he will interpret it to mean that this is jealously rather than the end of the line. Take it to his work. No emotional messages, just clear instructions to stay away with the threat of the authorities to underline how serious you are.

Get a new sim card today, call everybody you want to have your new number, use it as cleansing process to dump anybody who you don't look forward to calling you, put one more blockage between you and him by being that bit harder to contact without too much effort. The energy involved in changing contracts is not worth it and extends the tie to him. If it is in his name then the bills are in his name, so it will be his problem to sort out.

He is under the misguided impression that he can 'form a new relationship' and use article 8 of the Immigration act to stay in the UK.

Well let immigration deal with that, just tell them everything you know, in writing, and let them do their job.

You are not the first love, my first husband was Thai and after five years together we went to live there for the last half of our marriage. I had so many friends, colleagues and acquaintances that ended up as marks. Young, not so young, pretty , not so pretty, well off, not so well off.........all it takes is a time of vulnerability and somebody with honed skills. Don't beat yourself up, nobody gets through life without some regrets and "what the fuck was I thinking"s.

On and up, yesterday is done, time for something new.

(big fat hug)

and get that music on (=

You are going to be just fine, these are the last few pushes to birth a better next phase of your life.

Oh dear God I am wavering now questioning if I am doing the right thing?

Hell yes you are!

There is not one reason to not do it! He is using you.

Yes you are, come on what would you say if your daughter was in this sort of 'relationship'?

Oh god, he sounds truly awful.
No moral code at all.
You are allowing him to suffocate you with negativity. He has 2 bin bags of stuff? Drop it at work, text him to tell him you have done it, change the locks today and ring the mobile phone co to ask them to send you a new sim card in your name, keeping your old number.

Oh dear God I am wavering now questioning if I am doing the right thing?

If it was your daughter in this relationship, would you have doubts about what she was doing ?

Hell no, you'd be stuffing black bags as fast as you could to help her.

This is their best chance of never being in an unequal, fundamentally dishonest relationship, seeing their mother modelling taking control and refusing to settle for emotional dismemberment.

Deep breath, keep going. Think, not feel.

Vodafone won't allow me to port my number, so that in itself means reprinting of business cards etc, is HE never going to stop costing me money? A plus point is in getting a new contract and new number means he also cannot contact me.

I just at the moment feel incredibly sad, my emotions are all over the place.

Just cause it's the right thing to do doesn't mean you won't feel sad.

Call imigration tell them touched marriage nullified and ask them to cancel his visa. Give them your address and get his passport handy so you can send hum in his way

I've sent the text. The stuff will be dropped later on my way to work. Not had a reply. May try and grab a couple of hours sleep as I will possibly be working till 2am. Daughters have been told and are ecstatic!!!
There has been far far too much water under the bridge to think that this 'relationship' is repairable in any way, shape or form.
Unfortunately, the last time we did have sex an accident occurred so I am also having to sort that out too.
Sorry if everything is sounding garbled but its hard to think straight.

so that in itself means reprinting of business cards etc, is HE never going to stop costing me money?

He will soon be of no cost to you, very soon, and the more ties you cut the better, the new number and business cards are an investment in that sense.

Do not touch his passport, do not give him a reason to come back and hassle you or worse.

Just take the number down for reference when you write to immigration.

Have you put music on ? Sounds ridiculous love, but it will help take the edge off so you can get through.

You'll have time to lick your wounds later. And we will still be here for that part.

Is everything in the bags ? Is it time to jump in the car ?

I've sent the text. The stuff will be dropped later on my way to work

Would it not be better to take it now, finish the deed and then rest ?

Because if you have already texted him he is forewarned and may be on his way over to try and stop this from happeneing.

Well done so far, but stick with the counselling, you do need to rebuild your boundaries and your self-esteem. Because at the moment you are a bit of a temptation to the next predator: these people are very clever and very perceptive or they wouldn't be able to do what they do, and someone who has been hurt once and is still reeling is very tempting to them. Make yourself a promise that you will remain single for at least a year while you sort yourself out. best of luck.

Make yourself a promise that you will remain single for at least a year while you sort yourself out

That was the best advice I got when my first marriage ended.

Made a huge difference making myself the sole priority for a year.