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Original poster

I feel used.....

115 replies

Actanonverba · 20/07/2011 03:32

I feel used, betrayed and resentful. Brief background information. Met my current ?Partner? in 2003 whilst working in Morocco. He couldn?t get a visa to visit me here so I felt as though I had no choice than to, either end the relationship or marry him. I took the second option. The moment he arrived here he seemed like a different person although we had been ?together? for 4 years.
After being here 3 weeks he told me he had ?relatives? he wanted to visit on the South coast. I had work commitments which he knew about but was adamant he had to go on this particular day and ended up going by train. Fast forward to Sunday evening when I received a phone call telling me to pick him up! Explained it was a 200 mile round trip and I couldn?t do it. Had a few words about it, ending with me telling him to stay with his cousins.
I spoke to him a few days later when I got the impression that all he was bothered about was coming back because of his ?visa? conditions. This led to a heated argument and I ended the call and took legal advice. If I am completely truthful I have always had doubts as to the ?real? reason he wanted to marry me.
Fast forward a few months, I have applied for a Nullity of marriage and we had a hearing date which the Judge decided to hear in full on the actual day and granted me my decree. This was not before his solicitor trying (on his behalf) to claim halve my assets, which thankfully was dismissed.
No contact with him till a year later when a phone call leads us to meet up. We started a relationship again when I made it clear I wanted the complete truth on everything. I feel there have been numerous things he has hidden or lied about. He gave his word this would happen. Obviously it didn?t! A month or so later I found emails to various females claiming his love and devotion to them!
When I challenged him he said he was just ?using? the other women. WTF???!
This has been the on/off situation for the last few years until the most recent ?episode?. I asked him to stay with his friend (male) for a couple of days as we had been arguing a lot and I had important exams coming up. He agreed and we spoke each day on the phone and agreed to meet up later in the week when he would come home with me. Fast forward to the arranged day and I meet him to find his neck covered in love bites.............
Obviously hit the roof. Turns out he had been forging a ?friendship? with a woman he met through work and had been staying with her. Furthermore they (him and her) had agreed to marry and had even been so far to see a solicitor as obviously he is still subject to immigration rules. He did have the courtesy to tell me he didn?t love her but needed to ?secure? his positon in the UK!
He took great delight in telling me the explicit details of their time together and how I should be grateful he has chosen to be with me?
He doesn?t contribute anything financially, sits playing computer games for 12 hours a day, never lifts a finger round the house unless I ask and generally makes me feel like shit.
I don?t trust him, I don?t believe anything he says, I still question why he is with me and I need this to end right now. How do I get final closure? My life has moved on so much and my future definitely doesn?t include him. Why do I still feel so hurt?
This is a very shortened version of events but it gives the general picture.

OP posts:
inatrance · 20/07/2011 17:02

You dont seem to be getting anything out of this relationship, no wonder you feel used, this bloke is nothing but a con man. You don't owe him anything. You can tell him to leave now, you don't need to justify yourself. Maybe enjoy your daughters birthday then boot him out tomorrow!

Don't worry about his 'feelings', he sounds like an emotional predator and I genuinely doubt that he has any.

HerHissyness · 20/07/2011 17:06

the only thing you can do is to show him the door.

the kind part of it would be NOT having your foot jammed way up his arse propelling him through it.

He played you from the moment he clapped eyes on you, you will never ever see that money again.

TODAY Actonaverba - get rid of his stuff in binbags RIGHT NOW and dump them on the pavement.

Do this for yourself, for your DD, for your future, he will only ever bring harm to you and your family. believe me.

mathanxiety · 20/07/2011 17:11

Call a locksmith and arrange to get the locks changed. Hire the locksmith who can guarantee he will be there at a specific time.

Send Bezness boy on a long errand.

Pack his stuff and leave it all outside.

Do not answer your door when he comes back.

Do not answer your phone if/when he calls or texts. See if you can get his number blocked.

Do not ever speak to him again.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2011 18:34

the best birthday present you could give your daughter would be to get this excuse for a man out of both your lives, for good this time

fastweb · 20/07/2011 18:50

the kind part of it would be NOT having your foot jammed way up his arse propelling him through it.

Totally agree with the above, and I am the world's biggest softy.

Black Bin Bag Time.

Even from the local shop that sells the ones that split if you so much as look at them funny.

All his stuff in them. Plonked outside the front door.

Phone by your hand and you call the police at the SLIGHTEST hint of him trying to manipulate you to let him back in. Banging on the door, shouting, anything, frighten the fucker off with the authorities.

Rule one with people who do not observe social norms, do not feel obliged to observe them yourself. Anzi, actively ignore all social norms when dealing with this type of emotionally stunted humanity and go all out for self preservation, at the earliest possibility (like, now), in a 100% manner.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2011 19:03

he would be shit scared of any police involvement, so good idea to threaten this at the first sign of stroppy behaviour from him

TDada · 20/07/2011 19:08

Hi- is he father of your DC? If no, then go for the shortest route- neat pile of bin bags on the door steps and tell him never to show his face again.

Original poster
Actanonverba · 20/07/2011 20:12

My girls are getting ready to go out for the evening. Since walking in from work at 3pm he has been sitting on MY laptop playing some stupid game and quite possibly emailed other women. I am past the point of caring apart from protecting them from any arguments. Neither child is his btw.

I have tried to justify one single reason NOT to do it but cannot think of one.

Ladies I cannot express my gratitude and thanks for all your advice.

I can now see he has over time managed to distance me from friends and family simply to make me feel reliant on him. This is going to change. Yes, he has made me feel worthless (ok to supply a roof over his head, provide his meals etc) I almost hate him for what I can now see he has done and this was his intention all along. I am not afraid to be alone in fact at this moment in time, I would welcome it.

My family has expressed the same sentiments as the majority of you and I just cannot believe I have allowed him to brainwash me in thinking any differently.

Possible update later when my girls go out. I almost feel like being vindictive and sending him packing with the things he originally arrived with, the rest has been bought by me, muggins, or is that just being plain spiteful?

At least some grateful Charity would be better off!!!

I have no doubt he has a back up 'woman' who he will go to so don't even feel guilty in that respect.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/07/2011 20:30

As soon as your girls are out, say to him 'I've had enough, pack and go. You have an hour.' and if he does or says anything other than starting to pack and to, tell him you will be calling the police to put him out if he isn't gone within the hour.
You won't see him for dust.

fastweb · 20/07/2011 20:33

I almost feel like being vindictive and sending him packing with the things he originally arrived with, the rest has been bought by me, muggins, or is that just being plain spiteful?

That would be an act of avioding cutting the final thread. As long as he sees you having what he views as his stuff, he has a reason to come back and try and get it, there will be contact, he will try to re engage you, etc.etc.etc

It's stuff, let it go. You NOT being a means to an end is worth more than any stuff could be.

Do reconnect with your family, if they pulled away it is only cos they couldn't bear to watch. It's not cos they don't love you, it's just they love you too much to see this being done to you while they stand powerless to do anything about it.

With one act you will liberate so many people from the pain this man is causing.

mathanxiety · 20/07/2011 20:33

Don't complicate it by trying to sort out his stuff.

Just do it and wash your hands of him and all that is his as quickly as possible.

Do not give his stuff any more headspace and do not give him any either.

He will bounce right back, find another place to hang his hat, and not give you a second's thought.

SomethingProfound · 20/07/2011 20:36

As most other have said get him out ASAP this man does not care about you, you feel used because you are being used. (sorry to sound harsh)

Don't delay doing it, don't let him manipulate or try and charm you, he is nothing but a drain on your resources, your time and your energy.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2011 20:36

no, quick and clean

tell him to pack a bag and go

don't play any games

HerHissyness · 20/07/2011 22:10

Don't let him pollute your life a day longer, if your girls are out, tell him to go, right now, he has 30 minutes to pack his bag and get out.

If he refuses to leave call the police. don't even blink for a second.

this man would have taken the roof from over your head if your solicitor hadn't stamped on it. he wasn't treating YOU with any kindness there, he'd have taken the clothes from your back if he could.

Friend of my X (egyptian, UK educated, degree, engineer, not daft) was married to a Moroccan woman, they had 2 kids. Out of the blue, one day she told him to get out, he left with only his clothes. she sold the car he bought, she'd transferred all the property into her name, she'd literally taken every last penny he had. Eventually he got his brother to buy him a ticket. After a few months she called him and said to come get the kids, she didn't want them anymore as it was getting in the way of her finding a new man. I met this woman years ago, you would never, ever have said she would have done this, but it seems she was playing the long game. She was bloody good at it!

When it comes to money, some people will do literally anything. Your cocklodger there is one of these people. Spare no thought for his feelings, he is not sparing any for yours, believe me.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 20/07/2011 22:12

Thank god you seem to be sorting this out, just get him out of your house. You owe it to yourself and your daughters set them an example to follow.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 20/07/2011 22:13

Btw it's because you are so nice he's got away with so much. So what if he thinks you are not nice!

pictish · 20/07/2011 22:27

Pack for him. Get a handful of black bags right this second and chuck anything of his you can see, into it. When you're done, plonk them down and say 'there's your stuff...and there's the door....get on the other side of it NOW or I will call the police'

Do it.

pictish · 20/07/2011 22:36

Remember - he would've taken everything from you without so much as flinching. Including your home.

Get that filthy fucker out.

savoycabbage · 20/07/2011 22:46

That's so true pictish, that he wanted half her assets! What a bastard Angry Where would you and your dd's be then? Hope you managed to do it Actan.

TDada · 20/07/2011 23:56

Your solution is admirable. Don't hesitate - he will try to charm you

TDada · 20/07/2011 23:56

Your resolution

Original poster
Actanonverba · 21/07/2011 05:39

New day, new beginnings.

Gave him a lift to work (hes been borrowing my bike and I don't want him to keep it!), I am now going to pack his stuff. Would it then be too cowardly to text him and tell him to fuck off or should I say it to his face?

Either way its going to happen TODAY.

OP posts:
RickGhastley · 21/07/2011 05:48

Well done Actanon, stay strong!

I don't think you owe this guy any explaination so just leave his stuff outside and get the locks changed so he can't get in. Any probs call the police (I'm sure with his immigration status he may be a bit worried by the police)

Romilly70 · 21/07/2011 05:53

sounds like you are looking for a reason to see him, so therefore text him, once you have got the locks changed. just be matter of fact and say your stuff is in bags on the street, the locks are changed, and if you try to contact me again, i will calling the police.

on a speerate note, have you thought about about having some counselling as it would appear that you have some real issues with low self-esteem to even consider letting this kind of scummy man into your life.
I can understand that you are possbily lonely and want a partner, but to be properly single and learn to value yourself will really help let the right man appear....

Original poster
Actanonverba · 21/07/2011 06:01

He doesn't have a key so therefore no reason to change the locks!

I am already having counselling which is possibly the reason for the 'light switching on in my brain'!!!

Have packed his stuff and feel cleansed already x

OP posts: