Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel used.....

115 replies

Actanonverba · 20/07/2011 03:32

I feel used, betrayed and resentful. Brief background information. Met my current ?Partner? in 2003 whilst working in Morocco. He couldn?t get a visa to visit me here so I felt as though I had no choice than to, either end the relationship or marry him. I took the second option. The moment he arrived here he seemed like a different person although we had been ?together? for 4 years.
After being here 3 weeks he told me he had ?relatives? he wanted to visit on the South coast. I had work commitments which he knew about but was adamant he had to go on this particular day and ended up going by train. Fast forward to Sunday evening when I received a phone call telling me to pick him up! Explained it was a 200 mile round trip and I couldn?t do it. Had a few words about it, ending with me telling him to stay with his cousins.
I spoke to him a few days later when I got the impression that all he was bothered about was coming back because of his ?visa? conditions. This led to a heated argument and I ended the call and took legal advice. If I am completely truthful I have always had doubts as to the ?real? reason he wanted to marry me.
Fast forward a few months, I have applied for a Nullity of marriage and we had a hearing date which the Judge decided to hear in full on the actual day and granted me my decree. This was not before his solicitor trying (on his behalf) to claim halve my assets, which thankfully was dismissed.
No contact with him till a year later when a phone call leads us to meet up. We started a relationship again when I made it clear I wanted the complete truth on everything. I feel there have been numerous things he has hidden or lied about. He gave his word this would happen. Obviously it didn?t! A month or so later I found emails to various females claiming his love and devotion to them!
When I challenged him he said he was just ?using? the other women. WTF???!
This has been the on/off situation for the last few years until the most recent ?episode?. I asked him to stay with his friend (male) for a couple of days as we had been arguing a lot and I had important exams coming up. He agreed and we spoke each day on the phone and agreed to meet up later in the week when he would come home with me. Fast forward to the arranged day and I meet him to find his neck covered in love bites.............
Obviously hit the roof. Turns out he had been forging a ?friendship? with a woman he met through work and had been staying with her. Furthermore they (him and her) had agreed to marry and had even been so far to see a solicitor as obviously he is still subject to immigration rules. He did have the courtesy to tell me he didn?t love her but needed to ?secure? his positon in the UK!
He took great delight in telling me the explicit details of their time together and how I should be grateful he has chosen to be with me?
He doesn?t contribute anything financially, sits playing computer games for 12 hours a day, never lifts a finger round the house unless I ask and generally makes me feel like shit.
I don?t trust him, I don?t believe anything he says, I still question why he is with me and I need this to end right now. How do I get final closure? My life has moved on so much and my future definitely doesn?t include him. Why do I still feel so hurt?
This is a very shortened version of events but it gives the general picture.

OP posts:
severnofnine · 21/07/2011 10:16

Do you have anyone in real life who could support you over the next few days ( your parents or brother or sister or close friend). someone you trust ? It's sometimes easier if you've got back up so they can tell him to fuck off if he tries to manipulate again.

Make today the last time you talk to him- no calls no text messages no email - NOTHING.

And dont feel guilty- get ANGRY instead!

spooktrain · 21/07/2011 10:19

stay strong Acta, we are all rooting for you here. If you start to waver get an image of an army of bolshy termagants mumsnetters cheering you on

itsraining · 21/07/2011 10:28

You're doing so well. Can I suggest that you still get your locks changed. He will have had access to the house keys and might have decided to get a spare set cut on the quiet, you wouldn't want to arrive home one day and either find him there or that he's emptied your house of your stuff.

Also, please make sure that he can't ring up bills on your phone contract or credit/debit cards.

Don't interact with him in any way, look what happend last time.

WeDONTneedanotherhero · 21/07/2011 10:45

"Unfortunately, the last time we did have sex an accident occurred so I am also having to sort that out too." OP are you pregnant?

fastweb · 21/07/2011 11:16

OP are you pregnant?

And if you are, does he know ?

Actanonverba · 21/07/2011 13:07

Yes but I've made arrangements to sort it out.

OP posts:
AnyF · 21/07/2011 13:16

Does he know this ?

fastweb · 21/07/2011 13:31

Yes but I've made arrangements to sort it out.

Do you have somebody to be with you through that love ?

pictish · 21/07/2011 13:38

Wow! I am soooo impressed by your action taking resolve - you GO lady!

You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing....no matter what the circs, you are DOING THE RIGHT THING. This man is a drain, a leech, a fucking abomination. This man would've had you and your daughters out of your own home. This man thought he was entitled to half of your assets and made an attempt to secure them for himself. He is a moral void, a grasping cunt, a monster.

Stay strong!!!!!

electra · 21/07/2011 13:51

What an awful time you've had with this a*sehole. I can't imagine how you must feel.

loopylou6 · 21/07/2011 13:52

Wow you're having a rough time you poor thing. Keep strong, you have been used, how dare someone use another human being in this way :(
If I where you, id have no qualms phoning immigration and telling them what's happened and what his future plans are, basically I wouldn't stop till the twat gets deported back to Morocco.

Rightly or wrongly I wouldn't mention your pregnancy to him either, this will give him ammunition to paint you a happy little family picture to convince you to have him back Angry

please keep strong, you have proof that he has.no feelings for you by him detailing his sex sessions with the ow

HerHissyness · 21/07/2011 14:51

Acta, you have the entire thread of us behind you, whatever support you need? just ask/PM whatever....

this is all about you. you tell us what you need?

Well done girl!

moonferret · 21/07/2011 15:39

It seems like the timescale between getting pregnant and turfing the man out with binbags is getting shorter! This thread has been, erm, interesting!

Actanonverba · 21/07/2011 17:15

Bags delivered, didn't listen to his pathetic lies. Now just got to get through a busy night at work.
Thank you everyone for your support, I feel like crap!

OP posts:
fastweb · 21/07/2011 17:18

It will get better love.

And faster for you than most I should immagine, because my god woman you have a backbone and a half.

Have you told the rest of your family yet ?

Actanonverba · 21/07/2011 17:21

I haven't really spoken to anyone today except you ladies!
Time heals right?

OP posts:
Actanonverba · 21/07/2011 17:26

I am just trying to focus on all the hurt he's caused rather than any happy times. I am deleting his texts without reading and will sort out a new number tomorrow.

OP posts:
Solo · 21/07/2011 17:42

All the best Actanon, I'm impressed with your resolve :)

fastweb · 21/07/2011 17:42

"Time heals right?"

Yes, I didn't believe that when i was in a boiling hell of pain, but yes it really really does, if you give it a chance to work and grit your teeth for the initial pain without throwing yourself back in the fire, which at best is only a very minor temporary relief.

mathanxiety · 21/07/2011 18:10

If you find yourself wobbling, READ THIS.

Check out the links in the left column:
'What is Bezness'
'Signs of Bezness'
'How Bezness happens'
'Bezness prevention'
'Bezness victims'

From 'How Bezness happens':
'Generally, they are 3 target groups:

single, young and well situated women
single elderly women
all women

and the objectives are, in this order:

Visa to a western country
Financial donations
Fun in bed'

From 'Bezness victims'
'First a warning - if a woman was trapped by a Bezness man, and finds it out and then wants to terminate the relationship or divorce/seperate, she should be cautious.

In the year 2008, there have been several incidents in which women in such a "last debate" were raped, physically injured and in one case even killed.
To such a debate, a woman should therefore never go alone (take a friend, ideally, a male, with her) and, in particular, never stay alone with the ex-lover in a remote or non-public place (eg. an apartment).'

You must not talk with this man again, ever. If he manages to contact you and wants to talk things over tell him NO. If he persists and still contacts you, tell him to hire a solicitor, and you must contact the police

Rejecting a man like this is a serious blow to his vanity and sense of entitlement relating to women. You will be in serious physical danger if you ever meet him or keep up any sort of contact with him. Watch out for the safety of your DDs too. Don't take the danger lightly.

(The site is written by someone whose first language is not English, probably German.)

TDada · 21/07/2011 18:18

Good advice

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 18:41

fuck me, there is a whole different world out there Shock

OP, please protect yourself

moonferret · 21/07/2011 18:50

That's an interesting site mathanxiety

I've learnt a new word...and it seems the desire to use British women for visa/passport purposes is better planned and organised than I realised.

And yes...there IS a "whole different world out there"...crazy, just mad, mad, mad!

Actanonverba · 22/07/2011 09:45

I've survived!
I keep having 'wobbly' moments but keep saying the mantra 'think not feel', which seems to be working.
It was nice to arrive home at 2am and be able to switch the lights on in my bedroom and not tiptoe around!!
What is really bugging me is not actually knowing the truth, did he ever love me or not? I think I have to face reality in that I will never know.
I've only achieved this with all of your help so Thank You everyone x

OP posts:
Apocalypto · 22/07/2011 09:55

Given that he was married to the OP, has never worked and has always been housed and kept by her, he's surely legally entitled to half the couple's assets, is he not? That is, in this relationship she's the breadwinner and he is the house spouse. Doesn't she now have to keep him financially forever?

Swipe left for the next trending thread