Who am I

[BibiBlocksberg]

The other thread re whether the op's partner is trying to change her really got me thinking.

So here are some of the thingsnthat were frowned upon and ultimately massively contributed to my not being who i really am:

Wearing any make-up (though if I did I'd get comments dressed up as a joke as to who I was meeting 'looking so sexy' I have to stress here that make up for me has always been tinted moisturiser and mascara, no more!

Wearing roll-neck or anything high necked since he liked to be able to see my neck

Wearing anything at all in bed - even now I'm on my own I prefer to wear something rather than being nude!

Wearing cardigans

Wearing fleecey jackets indoors in winter which looked to him to be designated for the outdoors

Putting on different voices to tell any story

Getting out of bed before him at weekends and on holiday (classed as him having been abandoned)

Any film which featured too much talking

Making plans in advance (even a couple of days in advance)

Going out without him (cue major whine)

Etc etc - cannot believe that 7 months down the line the scales are still falling from my eyes!!

Anyone got anything to add to the list of their own?

Hi Bibi, I'm so glad you got away!
I used to get whining if I wore a bra at home as it got in the way when he wanted to grope me.
Moaning about my belonging to a group that met once a month because it meant I'd be away from DD.
A friend once mentioned that he had asked me two questions and XP had answered both of them for me. I didn't know what to make of that at the time but wow, it seems so significant now.
Talking to my friends on the phone?he would always want something urgently or announces that DD needed me.
Have never told anyone this before as it's too humiliating but once he asked me to do something for him and I said no. He stormed out, I followed him and tried to get him to come back. He said ok if I knelt down in the car park and apologised.
I did.

You shouldn't need to feel about that, weevils

Bumping for Bibi, and weevils

I've just been reading that thread too, Bibi.
I found a similar thing happening to me, which at the time I put down to me being more easy-going than ExP. I'd quite like to see that film/listen to that piece of music/eat at that restaurant and so on, but Ex always really wanted to see a different film, listen to his bloody cock-rock, etc.

Any suggestions I made were met with sulking and grumpiness, and because I could take it or leave it I usually went along with what he wanted.

One day I was watching a programme and he came in and just switched channels

When he left it was such a joy to do what I wanted. I'd almost forgotten how to.

I always ended up apologising too weevils. Not quite on my knees but I may as well have been.

why didnt you nip it in the bud the first day he said dont do x y & z? just say sod off you daft muppet

gosh, brown, why didn't we think of that ?

My DP happens to hate our local pub, the one that I work in. He also hates my best friend.

What he wanted me to do doesn't sound unreasonable in itself. But it was (and is) very hard for me because of my social anxiety. Which he regarded as mere laziness and selfishness.
Thanks for understanding.

Parents negativity or indeed anybody's constant jibes can have the same effect if done for long enough.

I love gardening...this was an activity only done by old people.

I am a WAHM through choice...I would be better working outside the home.

I like science fiction tv... soaps are far superior.

I like rock music...60's stuff is the only way to go.

I like white trousers in the summer....white gets sooooo dirty your water bills must be huge.

I have my nails done in a salon....stick on ones from the chemist are sooo much cheaper....

Hear this crap enough times and honestly I didn't know my arse from my elbow...and this wasn't a DP this was parents.

Different negative people...same effect...WHO AM I????!!!!

Wearing bright lipstick. I was told it 'matched my spots'.

Carrying tampons in my handbag when it wasn't my period. He shouted for an hour about that one.

Called a slut for wearing nail varnish. Clear nail varnish on short nails.

Even now (10 years later), stuff pops into my head and I think 'He was lying / controlling / abusive about that too!'.

Mizzy, also being told (parent) I'd 'never amount to anything'.

My heart goes out to anyone still going through it.

Mines not as bad as some of these, but my DP doesn't like different/silly voices noises or anything signalling fun of any kind. He winces when I sing. But it's absolutely fine when he does. (which is very rare anyway)

Well, I'd been feeling mighty embarrassed for starting this thread so really happy to see I'm not the only one to still encounter 'revelations' daily as it were.

"I used to get whining if I wore a bra at home as it got in the way when he wanted to grope me".

Laughing in amazed recognition here, LesserOfTwoWeevils (love the name btw, I think about that line from Master & Commander quite often and it always makes me giggle)

"listen to his bloody cock-rock, etc."

Cock Rock, snort!!

"Any suggestions I made were met with sulking and grumpiness, and because I could take it or leave it I usually went along with what he wanted"

Check! That's exactly what happened to me as well. It's only now I see that in my case he was a miserable shit because he knew I'd eventually pick up a book, use the laptop etc leaving the TV for him and his stupid games.

Hindsight is a very fine thing.

I'm not a revenge type person but I'd quite happily spend an afternoon stuffing prawns into the end of your particular twat's curtain poles for putting you through that kneeling down incident

Can imagine you feel a bit iffy about it- you're not alone. The amount of stuff I did to appease various 'partners' just to not further inflame their mood is incredilbe with hindsight.

I once got shouted at for trying to have sex with my ex. He said that he didn't want to 'keep having sex with you all the time' - this was after 2 months... and I was mortified. We had a row, and I went to have a bath. At which point he said - 'make sure you have a good wash, I might want to go in there later And I did. And we did.

Ugh.

On a tangent now but have to get this down while I have a chance as this has bothered me for so long.

When ex-p and I first started going out he found a way to let me know that:

Short hair doesn't suit me. Later I was told he'd like me to grow it long so he can grab hold of it during blow-jobs (cringe and double cringe)

The outfit I was wearing on our first date was horrible

He always wanted to have a girlfried with blonde hair and if my hair had been any other colour he wouldn't have wanted to know.

Make-up of any kind doesn't suit me.

Most of these 'gems' were presented to me directly or covertly through one of his flatmates back then.

The worst thing is I can remember being really upset by it all and thinking 'why is seeing me when he obviously doesn't find me attractive at all'

But I still made excuses (he doesn't know any better, has never been in a full-time relationship before, doesn't know how to talk to women etc etc)

And to top it all, his so called friend who he was sharing a flat with at the time also felt it necessary to stick his oar in when ex p was out telling me all sorts of things ex had supposedly said about me while I wasn't there.

Bizarre!! Feels better to get that out though, thank you. If MN had been around back then I'd have had quite a collection of questions which would have all been answered with 'run away as fast as you can' :)

Ooh, can I have a go?

Not allowed to have my hair cut too short because he prefers long.

Not allowed to be blonde because he likes really dark hair.

Insisting on dark eye make-up if we go out.

Commenting on how I look so much better with a tan/false nails/make-up/bit less weight.

Not allowed to wear knickers/pj bottoms in bed because it restricts "his access".

Not allowed to wear red nail varnish because its tarty.

Yet if I were to say anything to him about his appearance, well, God help me...

That's it word for word WhoDidIMarry - restricting his access

Idiot!!

Oh yes and same here if i said anything about his appearance he would whine on for hours.

One of my ex's favourites was to say in a five year olds voice 'you don't love me anymore cos I haven't styled my hair'

Yes that's right, I'm THAT shallow FFS!!!

My wanker of an Ex..

Told me I should put plasters over nipples as they poked through when it was cold

Could only have hair very short and spiky bleached blonde (cringe looking back old photos) now long and natural colour

Told me that he kept his eyes shut during sex as seeing me put him off

Put me down when I watched TV shows he didn't like

Constantly sang 'You're pitiful' when I bought and played James Blunt's 'you're beautiful

Took photos of me getting ready for the one night out in a decade - so I could see how fat I'd got (I was a size 10!)

On Valentine's Day I picked up a big bouquet at Tesco for less than a pound and joked they'd been left on my desk at work - he sneered and said no doubt the guy was gay

Said he was attracted to me coz he liked women with 'flawed faces'

Said that if he didn't get sex he felt aggressive - and that's why he lost his temper with the kids (cue hateful sex)

so many more...

When mine was trying to woo me back after I'd finally had enough, he told me he was my last chance at normality.

youngmother - really glad to read the ex in your post there.

What an absolute cock!!

Well LOTW - you had your chance at normality and you turned it down.

Damn, bet you're absolutely gutted!! You poor thing to have missed out like that :(

told to keep my hair long

had to sleep nude and he hated me putting my arm on top of the covers

I also couldn't make plans in advance (even a couple of days in advance)

hated me going out with friend

constant critism

told me he hadn't told his family I was pregnant as he was ashamed

hated me wearing makeup

Now I can breathe again, wear what I want, have short hair and luxury sleep with arms legs whatever out in my lovely PJ's - and joy of joys my dd I get to be with her every day - he gets to skype, funnily enough he is so much easier to get on with now he is thousands of miles away,

I am finally ME again - and I like me very much

Mumpalumps, you weren't allowed to put your arm on top of the covers?!
Apparently I didn't listen to music properly.
He graciously offered to teach me but the lesson came to an abrupt end because I dared to smile while listening and that was a sign I wasn't doing it right, so he had to throw a tantrum.

bizarre I know - apparently I wasn't sleeping correctly - who knew

ditto for me watching football (which I hate) but did once for him started cheering when HIS team scored a goal and apparently spoilt it for him

These men are total turds, aren't they? Ugh.

"apparently I wasn't sleeping correctly"

"because I dared to smile while listening"

Well, you've only got yourselves to blame, evidently - pffft, what hope is there if you don't even know HOW to sleep

Amateurs!!

What absolutely craziness comes out of these exes of ours. We could fill a book!!

OMG were you all married to my ex?

No clothes in bed

No make up

Short hair only (he didn't like long)

Constant discussion of my weight/spots/how I looked

No short skirts

No "revealing" tops

"Approved" ways of doing things

Lesser - if I "misbehaved" and had to apologise, I was told I had to get on my knees to do so. I did too . More than once