Who am I

[BibiBlocksberg]

The other thread re whether the op's partner is trying to change her really got me thinking.

So here are some of the thingsnthat were frowned upon and ultimately massively contributed to my not being who i really am:

Wearing any make-up (though if I did I'd get comments dressed up as a joke as to who I was meeting 'looking so sexy' I have to stress here that make up for me has always been tinted moisturiser and mascara, no more!

Wearing roll-neck or anything high necked since he liked to be able to see my neck

Wearing anything at all in bed - even now I'm on my own I prefer to wear something rather than being nude!

Wearing cardigans

Wearing fleecey jackets indoors in winter which looked to him to be designated for the outdoors

Putting on different voices to tell any story

Getting out of bed before him at weekends and on holiday (classed as him having been abandoned)

Any film which featured too much talking

Making plans in advance (even a couple of days in advance)

Going out without him (cue major whine)

Etc etc - cannot believe that 7 months down the line the scales are still falling from my eyes!!

Anyone got anything to add to the list of their own?

I know I'm the newbie but let me run this by you all.

He said he couldnt come over tonight because he felt ill, and really needed some downtime. He's just texted me from the cinema saying he is out with his guy friends....if I used to go out with my friend who he hates (I am now back friends with btw...go me...!) he used to say he didnt want me going out with her because she was a bad influence and made me act like a slut. And I had low social value when with her.

its almost funny.

This is such a good thead, its really insightful reading about this, I never knew it existed before or realised how widespread it was.

No I'm always amazed how many of us were/or still are subjected to (almost) the same scripts and demands from these idiots it boggles the mind!!

He liked my hair straight - it's naturally curly.

He didn't like the colour of it.

My clothes were either too frumpy or too sexy - other men were either repulsed by me or ogling me.

I was fat and dumpy - 5'3" and 8 stone (back then )

He once punched me in the face because I boiled an egg - he didn't like the smell of it.

I was frigid because I wouldn't have a threesome or anal sex.

I am so happy now I can't believe I put up with it for 6 years.

lazarusb esp @ the punch in the face

I didn't boil many eggs either because he would make such a performance out of hating the smell but at least there was no physical pain in my case.

Being self obsessed here but was thinking today that my ex was a stoner who couldn't be bothered with much of life. Amazing how much he had to 'say' when it came to my appearance, behaviour, supposed lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom etc etc.

Downright embarrassing just how much I tried to bend over backwards and kept thinking that if I kept going one day he would wake up and realise what a good thing he had with me.

Thank god for this place!!!!

I have now turned professional - and sleep like a log

He enjoyed being miserable and that is now his own cross to bare.

wrong bare =bear

Bibi - funny that they don't ever wake up though is it? Until I was gone in his case. The physical stuff was horrible but it's the emotional/verbal things that have been the most difficult to get over. It took a long time but I'm with a man now who is never negative about me and has never felt the need to diminish me as a person - quite the opposite. I've discovered who I really am because of that.

I was seeing a guy who:

• Always had to make a comment about my taste in music. He was an expert, you see (strumming a couple of tunes on an acoustic guitar every evening). Sometimes he would play a tune and ask, "What am I playing?" I'd say: "I don't know, because it's some obscure Australian band I've never heard of," and he'd give me this look and say, "You don't know?" Erm, no I don't, am I supposed to feel ashamed? Are we 5 years old?

• Whatever my opinion was, he'd start talking for minutes on end (it was so tedious) about the situation and how it really was. Oh please tell me how it is, I'm just quivering in anticipation :o

• I wasn't supposed to be proud of my achievements (I'm a doctor). I'm not big-headed and I don't define myself by my career but I enjoy my job and the challenges that come with. He somehow took it upon himself to be an 'expert' (sensing a pattern here?) on the medical profession and medical school - if I disagreed, I was just another one of 'those arrogant doctors'. He once said, "Just because you're a doctor, don't think that you're in anyway special."

• Oh, and he always made comments about my weight. I was a size 10 at the time. He saw an old photo of me on Facebook (size 6) and thought I should try and get back down to that shape. Sure, I looked lean but I was also miserable, stressed, exhausted and dealing with another abusive relationship. When I tried to explain the context to him, it went right over his head.

The story has a happy ending. I moved away, cut contact with the douchebag, put myself on an arbitrary time to be single and lots of therapy. I went out on dates and made friends with guys who are happy, confident and content in themselves and they wouldn't dream of behaving like that.