I hate the situation with my husband's female friend & other things!

[lyrafromoxford]

When we met DH had a female friend. I had a gut feeling there was more to it (plus suggestive/intimate things she posted on his facebook). He told me that she faniced hi, then admitted she had "seduced" him, quite a few times, ove several months, but he'd knocked it on the head months before we met.

She sent some nasty emails when she found out about us... about him 'using her' him being really nasty, etc, etc. I asked him to not be alone with her anymore - due to her having feelings for him, and that she'd seduced him before. He agreed, though she still sent emails begging him to be friends - so I sent one, being nice etc, and requested her on facebook - she refused & asked DH why I'd emailed her.

I got pregnant soon after, and she asked DH for help with buying a car, fixing her computer, lifts to hospital etc. But he was never in her house AFAIK.

After DD was born, he went to her house to fix her computer (again), a few times. I decided to pick my battles, and let it slide.

DD is one now & I'm pregnant again. I came home from town a few weeks ago to find her here, with DH (dropping off another computer to be fixed). She was pleasant, played with DD & offered to babysit (which DH happily accepted). DD did find a 'ball-stretcher' on the sofa - which DH said he'd moved whilst painting (and could well be true). Again I let it slide and said nothing.

She came again on DH's birthday. There was an atmosphere & DH's pupil's dialted when he spoke to her, and he seemed nervous. She told me that my hair made me look awful (it's highlighted) and I looked much better with black hair (making me feel like crap). I felt so uncomfortable.

He went to her house today (to return computer) and was gone over two hours. He's been really happy & chatty since he got home (trying to stave off an argument I think)... but I'm so unhappy. I don't think he fancies her, but I feel upset that he's gone back on his promise to not see her alone. He also let her off paying for bits for her computer - whereas my DS had to pay for his laptop to be fixed.

I don't know what to think. Sex is not much between us now - I fancy DH like mad - but don't feel it's reciprocated. He comes to bed late, and it's quite mundane - and lately seems to consist of me giving him a BJ or handjob - I want passion, I want him to want me... I'm so sad, and pathetic.

Thank you all. I know, on an objective & rational level, that I do need to get away... though it's so easy to just stay, as the incidents are not continuous (i.e. he went abroad twice last year, but hasn't this year, so in my subjective little head voice I think he must have changed).

Nevertheless I have spoken to two really good, close friends, and have started to initiate support (I know just leaving should be easy - but it's not so much). I have also requested that my CPN sees me privately this week - but due to the fact that I am acutally ill at times, and say weird things, and have behaved in a bizarre manner (prior even to meeting DH), it is so easy for him to manipulate my illness to his own ends.

In some ways I've felt truly looked after by him - this may be due to the fact that DS's dad used to beat me - knocking me unconscious several times... so compared to that DH seems almost loving. I split from DS's dad before he was born - so DS was spared being brought up witnessing DV, but when DS was 13 his dad visited (as he had done without problems all his life) and raped me & attacked DS. This has left me with quite an inability to trust - even my own judgement - meaning that I do have trouble trying to work out what is real & not. A male friend of mine told me that the problem must be me, and I must somehow provoke anger...

The situation with the OW may seem the most insignificant thing - but in a way it's easier for me to use this as a focus for walking away - it's not based on my feelings of how I'm being treated, there is no possibility of me having misjudged things, or being overly sensitive... I would have no long-term doubts that my paranoia acted as a catalyst... In a way I would find cheating a deal breaker - pure & simple - so in a way that's why I'm focussing on her.

My friend (one who I've now confided in) came over yesterday. She is friends with the OW, as they have 4 mutual friends. She told me that OW had been bemoaning the fact that she was much happier when her 'Mr Darcy' was there (written on the day that DH had been there). She wanted to show me her page - but by the time that she'd opened it the OW had deleted her. My friend had mentioned that her DS was looking forward to seeing my DD, and I'd commented - so I suspect that OW saw that & decided to delete her.

I still feel uneasy over the reasons though - yes she may have felt it an intrusion to her privacy - but she'd been friends with her for a while, and I'd tagged photos of my friend, as well as having written on her wall - all of which OW would have seen. The timing (deleting just after DH had been at her place for a few hours) seems rather telling to me though...

DH has also been rather snappy with me. He's started moaning more about me leaving things (I'm not the tidiest person, but he's always moaned in light-hearted way before), moaning like mad that DD always is noisy during our dinner time, moaning about her crying at bed time, moaning about her toys, moaning about me not turning the washing the right way out - just little things that he says he's now fed up.

DH & I have no friends in common on Facebook.. he won't have my family as friends, and his one friend who befriended me he made me unfriend (and he unfriended too) a month ago

"A male friend of mine told me that the problem must be me, and I must somehow provoke anger..."

And I hope you have now kicked that particular "friend" into touch as well. He is an absolute moron and had no business saying shit like that to you, as it is the most arrant nonsense. Men who show anger, especially in violent form, are their own problem. It is their own inability to control their temper that is the problem, never their (for want of a better word) victim. Even if you taunted and dared them to hit you (which I'm sure you didn't) it would STILL be their fault if they did it, not yours.

Glad you have some RL friends who can help you out; but make sure that the mutual friends are 'secure' - tell them nothing that you wouldn't want to get back to the OW, just in case.

It is sounding more and more as though stuff is going on with your H and the OW so work out your escape plan and then put it into practice as soon as you can.
Good luck!

I hardly ever post on the dv threads - I don't feel I can really add anything, as all my abuse happened as a child.

However, I'd just like to add my support - for continuing with the book when you have the emotional energy to give something of yourself to it. Understandably why you can't write at the moment.

Also, please please please do not confront him, as I think that will only make him worse.

Make your plans to get away - a small fund of cash, own bank account, etc etc.

If you stay, he'll be asking for power of attorney over your affairs on the grounds of lack of mental capacity, and, being such a manipulative unpleasant 24-carat bastard, he'd probably manage to get it.

Just. Get. Out. And. Away. From. Him

Take care, have a hug or several, and look after yourself

tb