I hate the situation with my husband's female friend & other things!

[lyrafromoxford]

When we met DH had a female friend. I had a gut feeling there was more to it (plus suggestive/intimate things she posted on his facebook). He told me that she faniced hi, then admitted she had "seduced" him, quite a few times, ove several months, but he'd knocked it on the head months before we met.

She sent some nasty emails when she found out about us... about him 'using her' him being really nasty, etc, etc. I asked him to not be alone with her anymore - due to her having feelings for him, and that she'd seduced him before. He agreed, though she still sent emails begging him to be friends - so I sent one, being nice etc, and requested her on facebook - she refused & asked DH why I'd emailed her.

I got pregnant soon after, and she asked DH for help with buying a car, fixing her computer, lifts to hospital etc. But he was never in her house AFAIK.

After DD was born, he went to her house to fix her computer (again), a few times. I decided to pick my battles, and let it slide.

DD is one now & I'm pregnant again. I came home from town a few weeks ago to find her here, with DH (dropping off another computer to be fixed). She was pleasant, played with DD & offered to babysit (which DH happily accepted). DD did find a 'ball-stretcher' on the sofa - which DH said he'd moved whilst painting (and could well be true). Again I let it slide and said nothing.

She came again on DH's birthday. There was an atmosphere & DH's pupil's dialted when he spoke to her, and he seemed nervous. She told me that my hair made me look awful (it's highlighted) and I looked much better with black hair (making me feel like crap). I felt so uncomfortable.

He went to her house today (to return computer) and was gone over two hours. He's been really happy & chatty since he got home (trying to stave off an argument I think)... but I'm so unhappy. I don't think he fancies her, but I feel upset that he's gone back on his promise to not see her alone. He also let her off paying for bits for her computer - whereas my DS had to pay for his laptop to be fixed.

I don't know what to think. Sex is not much between us now - I fancy DH like mad - but don't feel it's reciprocated. He comes to bed late, and it's quite mundane - and lately seems to consist of me giving him a BJ or handjob - I want passion, I want him to want me... I'm so sad, and pathetic.

"On the photos he showed me, I spotted two coffee cups... he says that the cups were small so he needed two - I don't know what to think."

You do. You just wish it wasn't true.

That is the most feeble excuse for two cups.

I really think you need to get away from this dangerous man. He is having such a negative effect on your mental health.

I don't have bi polar but I ended up feeling like I was going mad due to a lying cheating partner. I felt so much better when I finally broke away from him.

I'm afraid that this man has been lying to you about everything.I'd get out now. I don't think he is going to change ultimatum or no ultimatum.

OP your instincts are screaming at you. Please listen to them, we can't all be wrong can we?

And yes, he is having a negative effect on your mental health and is using your illness to control you.

"I know all men like to fantasise about teenage girls"

Er... what?

No, no they really don't.

He is a bad man taking full advantage of your mental ill-health to abuse you.

Please go and stay with someone you trust who will look after you.

This is really appalling.

It is obvious he fancies her as he has shagged her before.

You need to make what you want very clear and what the consequences will be if he doesn't do what you want.

She is determined to break you up as far as I can see.

oh fuckety fuck - he is one dangerous bloke.

It is ALL HIM, none of it is you. He went after you like a steam train, all charm and glamour, romance and love to start with, hooked you, married you asap (before he got tired of all the charm etc.), got you pg, and then started fucking with your head.

I don't actually know what he was after - possibly someone to look after him - but he is VERY DODGY indeed, classic signs of emotional abuser jumping out all over the place.

Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him, even assuming that he is having sex with almost certainly this other woman and quite possibly other people?

And please ignore anything he says about his previous marriage - it probably took the poor woman 15y to get away from him!

If she left him, his marriage was NOT successful, it failed. If she went on with another man that could be for any number of reasons but could QUITE EASILY be because he is an abusive prick.

Put the blame where it belongs, on him; and trust your gut instincts! so far they've done you proud but your head is ignoring them. Ignore your head! And ignore him! Trust your gut.

Your DH is sleeping with her. He is also emotionally abusing you and using your mental health as an excuse to play mind games with you. He is very dangerous.

Please see your GP and request that you have anot pyschiatrist. Then put in an official complaint about your own one - you are the patient and your psychiatrist should not be discussing you with your DH.

Oh my god. Poor you.

You certainly do need to change your psychiatrist. She's been misled by your H.

Where you said his pupils dilated? That's very telling, and shows your people-reading skills are optimum. Therefore, I'm afraid, your unease is entirely justified. You're not paranoid, you are rationally afraid that your marriage is a sham and that other people are doing malicious things to you.

Teenage porn is not normal, neither is taking 20 photos of one's genitals.

The woman you describe is not a friend to you or your marriage. The remark about your hair was nasty and could only have been made as a boundary-testing exercise (seeing what you'll put up with).

They both sound extremely unpleasant. You'll feel better and, no doubt, saner, once you've found the courage to end this constricting and abusive marriage. I understand you may feel too fragile & unsure of yourself to take big steps now. Please try to gather support - that is people who are on your side - around you. You could also ring Womens Aid for a detached, sensible talk. Mind can be great, too, depending on who takes your call.

Keeping a diary of things that make you feel uncomfortable can help you link your moods to events. It shows you you're not mad after all! (Keep it on here if you like.)

Repeat after me: "I deserve better than this." :)

Good point ThumbsNose about his ex-wife.

Thank you :) I am a bit fragile at the moment; I wish I'd had the guts to say something to her - but I'm not in the least bit confrontational in moments like that... I did feel like immediately running to the salon & having my hair darkened - but everyone else says how nice it looks now, and how dark hair (dyed) looked unflattering on me - anaemic looking - which I agree with.

I just don't get him & her tbh. She's older than me, not particularly attractive - and he told me he didn't fancy her - but she seduced him, and he was depressed at the time.

DH's own DS can't understand why he's still friends with her - saying to me that she can't like me as I have "everything she wanted". His DS did confirm that he stopped sleeping with her months before he met me - but then he never used to see her as much as he's started now.

Interestingly a friend of mine (who the OW has never met) friend requested her on FB & she accepted... she must know we are friends (we write on each other's walls) yet she still accepted her - yet not me, as she told DH she only accepts very few people who are good friends - I haven't told him my friend is now friends with her.

DH insists on coming to the psychiatrist with me - he insists saying how much my 'illness' is affecting our homelife & how lucky it is that he's here as otherwise DD would be in danger :(

I was particularly ill at christmas - that was when the whole lot got too much - I should have started on meds, but was breastfeeding, and had awful postnatal anxiety. Him going on holiday (a month before) made it worse, then his son came to stay, and I had to go to bed at the same time as DD, and everything exploded, I've not got angry since then, giving him no reason to 'tell on me'. He actually videoed me when I got angry, so if I left he could show people how made & dangerous I was, so since then I've kept my mouth shut

I've been in a very similar place to this.

My personal opinion is that you are trying not to believe what you feel is the truth.

You are desperately looking for an explanation which doesn't hurt you.

What I have learnt over the last few months is that it doesn't matter what you believe (or want to believe) the truth is still the truth.

This man is bad for your well being and therefore bad for your children's well being.

i agree,doesnt sound a positive relationship for anyone!

Sorry OP, he is treating you appallingly. I wouldn't doubt that he's sleeping with her and is gaslighting you - trying to make you feel that you can't trust your own opinions because you are mentally unwell, which, as someone else has pointed out, is not foundered on evidence as you have been very observant wrt his pupils dilating.

He has far too much control over you and suggesting that he needs to come to your counselling sessions and then suggest that he needs to in order to protect your DD makes me physically shudder.

You need to get angry, and get out. So sorry.

Lyra do you have anyone who you can go to with your DD? Maybe your mum? This is really not OK. Do you want your DD to grow up seeing you treated this way? To think this is how relationships are? That's the real danger to her. You are not a danger. Please get away from this man, get a new psychiatrist.

Sorry to hear you've been going through this too, Haunted. What you said about the truth is incredibly important, isn't it? My ex had me believing I didn't see and hear things that really happened. I was in a right old state after a few more years of that.

I also went into frenzied, despairing rages, lyra. Haven't had a single one of those in the 10 years since we split. They were quite normal reactions to being gaslighted. It's confusing; most people would freak out from the strain! When a partner succeeds in provoking such a reaction in you (they do it on purpose), they then use it against you.

Instead of shutting yourself up next time you feel like that, can you take a long mental step back and reply with cold logic? "Can you explain that?" and "Don't tell me what I think/feel/want" come in very handy, I found. Counting to ten really helps.

Don't know whether you've read any of the emotional abuse threads on this board? You'll find you're far from alone, and decidedly not mad.

I am appalled that any mental health professional would agree to this man sitting in on your sessions. Get a new psychiatrist who, hopefully, will give you the strength and focus to break away from this horrible man.

Good god get a new psychiatrist! And get him out of your life ASAP!

He's dangerous and it sounds to me like he's trying to make it so that if you do leave, he gets to keep your dd. Get Out Now.

sounds like your DH is treating you v badly, agree with garlicnutter's suggestion of talking to WA. it's v alarming that your DH has video'd you purely to have footage of you in a bad light . you sound like you get on OK with your family, get them on side, maybe even get a trusted family member to come along as moral support with GP/psychiatrist.

You seriously need to look after your own welfare and that of your children. It is not the correct environment to bring up children. When they are old enough he could use them against you telling them mummy is mad etc...

You should change psychs and start making plans to get away. I don`t think he will change not if this is his behaviour is the so could honey moon period of a relationship.

I have had a woman fancy my DP but if she had dared say one word against my partner would have read her the riot act. There is no way anyone should have insults thrown at them.

Being bi polar doesnt mean who cant get tough you and your children are the ones that matter most. You should have someone that can help with aseertiveness not just agree with your DH!.

I am rarely shocked by threads on the Relationships board any more

But this one has me reeling

I am speechless

OP, please get yourself right away from this man, he will destroy you