I hate the situation with my husband's female friend & other things!

[lyrafromoxford]

When we met DH had a female friend. I had a gut feeling there was more to it (plus suggestive/intimate things she posted on his facebook). He told me that she faniced hi, then admitted she had "seduced" him, quite a few times, ove several months, but he'd knocked it on the head months before we met.

She sent some nasty emails when she found out about us... about him 'using her' him being really nasty, etc, etc. I asked him to not be alone with her anymore - due to her having feelings for him, and that she'd seduced him before. He agreed, though she still sent emails begging him to be friends - so I sent one, being nice etc, and requested her on facebook - she refused & asked DH why I'd emailed her.

I got pregnant soon after, and she asked DH for help with buying a car, fixing her computer, lifts to hospital etc. But he was never in her house AFAIK.

After DD was born, he went to her house to fix her computer (again), a few times. I decided to pick my battles, and let it slide.

DD is one now & I'm pregnant again. I came home from town a few weeks ago to find her here, with DH (dropping off another computer to be fixed). She was pleasant, played with DD & offered to babysit (which DH happily accepted). DD did find a 'ball-stretcher' on the sofa - which DH said he'd moved whilst painting (and could well be true). Again I let it slide and said nothing.

She came again on DH's birthday. There was an atmosphere & DH's pupil's dialted when he spoke to her, and he seemed nervous. She told me that my hair made me look awful (it's highlighted) and I looked much better with black hair (making me feel like crap). I felt so uncomfortable.

He went to her house today (to return computer) and was gone over two hours. He's been really happy & chatty since he got home (trying to stave off an argument I think)... but I'm so unhappy. I don't think he fancies her, but I feel upset that he's gone back on his promise to not see her alone. He also let her off paying for bits for her computer - whereas my DS had to pay for his laptop to be fixed.

I don't know what to think. Sex is not much between us now - I fancy DH like mad - but don't feel it's reciprocated. He comes to bed late, and it's quite mundane - and lately seems to consist of me giving him a BJ or handjob - I want passion, I want him to want me... I'm so sad, and pathetic.

Jesus, this reads like some kind of horrible psychological movie.
I can't add anything other than the other girls have said. I don't say this lightly but it's not even a realtionship worth salvaging, as I think he's just beyond twisted. I am so worried for you, please get rid xx

He's cheating on you.

You need a new psychiatrist and to report your present one for breeching confidentiality.

And you need to dump this man.

This is a frightening thread. Your dh is abusing you in the most hideous way and manipulating you and the people you trust. Please get away. He is dragging you down. He won't stop until you break.

Good luck OP, you sound like a intelligent, rational person,there is some great advice posted here which I'm sure you will take into consideration. Move forward and be kind to yourself.

This is certainly a frightening situation.

OP - have you ever been in touch with mdf.org.uk? I don't know if there is anything they might be able to do to help you with an advocate.

Psychiatrists these days are encouraged to included family members as often, it is family members who can see changes and know when someone might be going high when the ill person isn't ready to acknowlege it. HOWEVER, given the short marriage and this man's very very odd behaviour of wanting to marry you within weeks of meeting, it sounds like your psych is either lazy or lacking in insight or both to take this at face value.

Your DH's behaviour would send anyone paranoid. The problem is, with you condition, he could make you very, very ill. You said you had never had a longterm relationship before? If you have any questions about what is "normal", do keep asking and hopefully here you will keep getting validation that you are correct in knowing what is normal. A DH going on holiday alone twice the way you have described for instance, is not normal.

So:
-he's seemingly having sex with another woman, who he brings into your house and allows to put you down in front of him
-you don't have sex, but he gets blow jobs or hand jobs from you
-he tells you you're mad, unstable, aggressive
-he watches gay and underage porn
-he interferes with your psychiatric sessions and has turned your hcp against you
-he went on holiday alone when you were pregnant and again when you had a newborn, which is bad enough except there were two coffee cups so it's quite likely he went with someone else
-he videoed you getting angry so he had a record of how 'mad and dangerous you are'
-he lies to your family about you
-he tells you that you are a danger to your dd
-you are scared to say anything to him about his behaviour

These are just the things you have mentioned in this thread. I'm sure there are plenty more. When you see it written down here in a list does it help you see that it is his behaviour, not yours, that is unreasonable? Any one of these things alone would be enough for me to end a relationship for.

Go and stay at your mum's for a while with your children, make arrangements to change your psychiatrist (and stop seeing the current one in the meantime, tell your gp you are doing so), and get this man out of your life - he is NOT good for you.

Good luck, and trust your own judgement, you are not mad.

SIL, brilliant summing-up

Agree, great post SayIt

lyra, is there someone who you can stay with? You are very vulnerable. A lot of us are seriously worried about you.

Get a new shrink and I'm afraid, a lawyer.

You are not paranoid. YOu have cause to be concerned. Even if (which I doubt) there was nothing going on here, he is being disrespectful to your marriage to keep this 'friendship' going with a woman who fancies him and which makes you uncomfortable.

Nope.

The reason he's with you and not her is that there's nothing to destroy in her, she sounds as vile as him - and he is vile. They deserve each other but you deserve better OP.

You are not mad.
You are not paranoid.
You are not making a mountain out of a mole hill.
You are not a danger to your children...

Except that if you don't remove them (and yourself) then you are complicit in raising them in an abusive household. You got swept up in a dream, a romantic fantasy that has dissolved into a nightmare but however awful that is to face, it is better than living the way you are now. And you can have a loving, functional, respectful relationship...just never with this man.

Your intelligent and your stronger than you think. Please get outside support and ditch him (and the quack psych).

ok, normally on "friends of the opposite sex" threads I come down on the side of the friends. even on staying friends with the ex threads, having remained friends with a couple of exes and having mainly male friends myself, but I agree with all the other posters. get this worthless sack of shit and his floozy out of your life asap. you deserve better.

He is a twat and you are not being paranoid at all

Thank you all. It's quite shocking to hear such a resounding & unanimous response!

Reading it in black & white, it does look very grim, I agree.

Whilst I know that the red flags are flying in my face, in such a persistent manner, I still have little doubts.

While DH does look atrocious in words, in real life he is very good with DD, and does 'appear' to be a family man. He spends most of his time here, as he works from home, so apart from the jaunts to his friend, he doesn't really have time to pursue an affair. On the other hand an affair doesn't have to be a 24/7 in your arms, physical experience - by the very virtue of them they can be clandestine & undpredictable, and the time waiting to see each other can be what drives the excitement - I guess an affair has a lot of basis in fantasy, rather than reality? Having not had one I can't tell!

My relationship prior to DH was with a multi-millionaire... and he was a player (though I didn't know that at the time). I rarely saw him as he lived abroad, and only came to England to check his business once a month. I was intoxicated with the fantasy of being 'madly in love' with the guy (he did phone me/text me daily). It wasn't the money (though my sister set me up with him because she was impressed with his wealth) but he spent very little on me, and I didn't (and still don't) fall for bank balances. For all his lies though, he never made me feel as worthless as DH. He always made me feel special, beautiful, interesting. I never worried that he was ogling other women when we were out (which DH does), I never questioned him, I never really worried, as when he was with me - he was with me... I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I do (as I'm sure most women do) crave to be wanted... to feel as though I'm an interesting, unique and worthy companion... and I just don't feel that.

When I met DH I was in the process of writing a book. I'd sent the synopsis & first chapter to a friends mother (who is a children's publisher) and she was very impressed... she wanted another chapter & a more detailed synopsis, with a view to commissioning it (I still have the letter)... but it flew out the window as I got swept up in romance. I don't think I have it in me now, I just can't write anymore, I feel it's been sucked out, and I also think she was just being nice, and there are so many better people out there.

I have had other long-term relationships, but I've never had trust issues in them, or been accused of paranoia, but then the men have always wanted to be with me, and it's a shocker to have someone, with whom sex was fantastic (on the couch in the evening kind of thing), for it to now dwindle to nothing.

I know (from reading forums like this) that affairs are more likely when a woman is pregnant, and can't help but wonder at the timing of this woman's presence... she just seems to come out when I'm preggers.

DH didn't want this baby (I was BF exclusively when I conceived & had PCOS & was over 40)... so I guess it's my fault for not giving into his desire to get rid of it... his exact words were "I never want another baby with you; not ever"! Wow it hurts to remember that - not that he never wanted another baby, but that he didn't want one with me.

Get rid of him.
He is a good father? No he bloody isn't, not if he can say shit like that to you.

Please, phone a friend, talk to CAB, phone Womens' Aid, do whatever it takes to get yourself out of there.

Ignore the video he has of you shouting - it will be of no use to him.

DO NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING IN THIS THREAD WITH HIM.

Get the Lundy Bancroft book that everyeone discusses "Why does he do that?" if you need further convincing, but TBH I wouldn't wait that long.

Keep the same face on that you have done so far, do NOT let him know that you plan on upsetting his status quo or he will probably
a) turn very nasty
b) start to cajole
c) try and convince you that you are nuts again and it's all in your head
That's not an either or, by the way - he'll do all of them.

YOU WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM.

Not your fault at all. HE sounds fucking horrible, I would run, run, run. Then run some more.

Please get away from this man as soon as you can.

As Thumbs says, do not discuss any of this with him. Plan secretly and fast.

Get a friend or family member to come and be with you when you leave in case he turns up and gets nasty.

Don't have doubts. This man might be good with your daughter but he's also making his daughter's mother think she's going mad, is paranoid and is basically treating her with no respect. Does your daughter deserve a man like that in her life?
He is a very scary man who is gradually wearing you down and making you wonder what's real and what's not.
Please take care of yourself and trust your gut feelings.

You have said nothing about this man that makes him sound like a good father.
He sounds like your worst nightmare. You really do not deserve this behaviour. Please find help and walk away.

Jesus OP your OH sounds positively evil.

"she was very impressed... she wanted another chapter & a more detailed synopsis, with a view to commissioning it.............I also think she was just being nice, and there are so many better people out there."

Your husband has done that to you. Publishers do not ask for another chapter and more detailed synopsis just to be 'nice'. That book is still IN you and if a publisher wants to commission it, then it is GOOD. When you've got away from this man and back on your feet, the ability to write that book will come back and it will be the making of you. Think how proud your kids will be to have a mummy who's an author. You can do this.

Start making plans to get away. Change/report your psychiatrist and see a different one (alone!) If he has turned your family against you, maybe you have an old trusted friend you can go to for help.

Wishing you much luck x

Something definitely going on here, confront him, he either drops her or leaves, sounds like a complete loser IMO

I dunno what to say tbh...this whole thread is so damned scary.

To start with I think the 'friend' is the least of your worries.

...and IMO you really need a RL advocate...a friend or relative who can help you deal with all this...someone completely separate from your DH.

Your DH from what you have posted is one very frightening individual.

I second thumbs and empire you need to get out quickly. As soon as he realises that you have realised what he really is (and even if you don't admit it yet, it'll sink in soon) he will change. And from what I've read here, not for the better.

Get and escape plan together and go. You are an intelligent, capable and creative woman. Don't let this man's venom poison you any further.

Let me repeat:

You are an intelligent, capable, creative woman

OP - you have shown yourself to be an insightful, bright, sensitive and talented woman. You feel insecure about your judgements only because your DH wants to you to feel that way. If you don't feel insecure, you'll call him on his behaviour, which is simply unacceptable.

Your story really unnerves me. In particular, his attempts to discredit you in the eyes of all the people on your side, and so weaken you so that he can say what he likes about you and your capabilities. It's insidious.

I'm not one to say "get the hell out of there" but I can't actually say anything else.