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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate the situation with my husband's female friend & other things!

103 replies

lyrafromoxford · 17/07/2011 16:55

When we met DH had a female friend. I had a gut feeling there was more to it (plus suggestive/intimate things she posted on his facebook). He told me that she faniced hi, then admitted she had "seduced" him, quite a few times, ove several months, but he'd knocked it on the head months before we met.

She sent some nasty emails when she found out about us... about him 'using her' him being really nasty, etc, etc. I asked him to not be alone with her anymore - due to her having feelings for him, and that she'd seduced him before. He agreed, though she still sent emails begging him to be friends - so I sent one, being nice etc, and requested her on facebook - she refused & asked DH why I'd emailed her.

I got pregnant soon after, and she asked DH for help with buying a car, fixing her computer, lifts to hospital etc. But he was never in her house AFAIK.

After DD was born, he went to her house to fix her computer (again), a few times. I decided to pick my battles, and let it slide.

DD is one now & I'm pregnant again. I came home from town a few weeks ago to find her here, with DH (dropping off another computer to be fixed). She was pleasant, played with DD & offered to babysit (which DH happily accepted). DD did find a 'ball-stretcher' on the sofa - which DH said he'd moved whilst painting (and could well be true). Again I let it slide and said nothing.

She came again on DH's birthday. There was an atmosphere & DH's pupil's dialted when he spoke to her, and he seemed nervous. She told me that my hair made me look awful (it's highlighted) and I looked much better with black hair (making me feel like crap). I felt so uncomfortable.

He went to her house today (to return computer) and was gone over two hours. He's been really happy & chatty since he got home (trying to stave off an argument I think)... but I'm so unhappy. I don't think he fancies her, but I feel upset that he's gone back on his promise to not see her alone. He also let her off paying for bits for her computer - whereas my DS had to pay for his laptop to be fixed.

I don't know what to think. Sex is not much between us now - I fancy DH like mad - but don't feel it's reciprocated. He comes to bed late, and it's quite mundane - and lately seems to consist of me giving him a BJ or handjob - I want passion, I want him to want me... I'm so sad, and pathetic.

OP posts:
vickylou2004 · 17/07/2011 17:19

Hi, I wonder if she has put it there deliberately?

Regardless of whether or not anything is going on, I think it would be reasonable for you to say 'get rid of her or I go'. A married man should not have a friendship like this with a woman.

eurochick · 17/07/2011 17:19

I am sorry to say that I think he is sleeping with her. Sex aids on the sofa, 2hrs dropping a computer back and genital pics that were not sent to you. Plus a past history with this woman and little interest in sex with you. There are enough red flags to put together bunting.

FabbyChic · 17/07/2011 17:20

This man could have gone on holiday with the woman. He is using your bipolar against you. He is definately dodgy. If his so called girl friend pays nothing your son shouldn't either.

It is one rule for you and another for him.

He is not worth the anxiety or the grief he causes you.

FlubbaBubba · 17/07/2011 17:20

I know dunder but OP also says she found pics of his genitals on his camera .

Two coffee cups = two people :(

sundayrose10 · 17/07/2011 17:21

Wow, this is making me mad just reading it. As reality says, he is as dodgy as fuck. The woman is taking the piss as well as there are no boundaries. Your partner is playing you for a fool. put your foot down. Get angry.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 17/07/2011 17:22

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. He's telling you you're paranoid and it's all in your head? he's using your MH situation against you? He went off on his own for holidays both when you were pg AND afterwards, leaving you holding the brand new baby? AND he won't let you talk to another man who used to fancy you?

Does he let you talk to any other friends? Did HE push for the early marriage?

If yes to all of the above then: red flag, red flag, red flag.

ShoutyHamster · 17/07/2011 17:23

Right.

He drops her. Entirely. No more contact.

'You're paranoid...you're overreacting...' etc. etc.

You reply:

'I don't give a flying fuck what you think, I've had enough of you messing around. I do not want her around or in our lives any more. I'm giving you the choice, make a choice or I'll make it for you and you won't see us for dust. And remember I am not stupid and the next time you imply that I am, you'll be history.

Mind you. Do you really want to bother? He is dodgy. Whether he drops this woman or not, he will probably always be dodgy! Holidays alone when you have a baby? Porn etc. etc.? If he said he'd drop her, would you actually believe him? You could move on to someone not dodgy, you know...

MissBeehiving · 17/07/2011 17:23

I think he's lying Sad

BrianAndHisBalls · 17/07/2011 17:24

Needed two cups!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry but this is about as dodgy as it gets. Even if he's not cheating he's a nob.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/07/2011 17:28

What a horrible man.

He treats you very badly.

MsPlaced · 17/07/2011 17:28

He's sleeping with her. I wouldn't have any doubt about that.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 17/07/2011 17:29

I agree with MsPlaced.

itsohsoquiet · 17/07/2011 17:30

I personally think he is up to no good with her. Sounds like she is engineering situations to bring it to your attention as she is tired of being the OW

itsohsoquiet · 17/07/2011 17:31

Even if he's not (which doesn't sound likely from what I've read) then he has still overstepped the mark and has no respect for you. Crap either way Sad

Sossiges · 17/07/2011 17:35

What Shouty andBrian said, I'm afraid

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 17/07/2011 17:36

I wonder who took the photos... have you seen them, could he have done them himself or does it look like someone else took them?

He's lying his arse off about stuff anyway.

Original poster
lyrafromoxford · 17/07/2011 17:37

Thanks, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in thinking it's dodgy. When (in the past) I've got angry about her - or the photos etc, he's got really angry & said how fed up he is with my 'madness'.

I'm a bit scared to confront him tbh, as he's convinced my psychiatrist that 'it's all in my head', and though my CPN knows he's been unreasoanble (going on holiday, photos) he's managed to convince them that I'm unreasonably paranoid & that he loves me etc. My psychiatrist has said that she thinks I need anti-psychotics to help the paranoia - but I'm reluctant whilst pregnant... reading this it does sound like I'm mad. I've kept proof (downloaded the photos, copied his holiday pics etc).

My friends and have family have been here when he's gone to her house, and my mum was with me when I came in to find her here - so I guess in the scheme of things I can prove it's not in my head - but it's so hard when he lies to them, and tells them I get aggressive - so I'm scared and not saying anything because of this

OP posts:
Original poster
lyrafromoxford · 17/07/2011 17:40

@ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch he took the photos himself - I'm sure of it (I think), it's just there's so many of them. Some are 'flaccid' some 'erect'. I felt sick when I found them... my psychiatrist thinks it's perfectly plausible that he took them himself for me (well she never said this, but he explained that's what they were for & my paranoia made me think he was upto no good, and she believed him)

OP posts:
PhilipJFry · 17/07/2011 17:41

I think you need to leave this man. He is behaving in the most appalling way and manipulating the situation to make you look unstable and paranoid. You are afraid and that isn't right. He is using your bipolar against you and that is unforgivable and abusive behaviour, especially when he is also lying to others around you so they believe "his" version of events.

HoneyDuke · 17/07/2011 17:41

Sounds well dodge

itsohsoquiet · 17/07/2011 17:42

You don't need to prove anything. He is disrespecting you and going back on promises he made. Using your mental health against you is the lowest of the low in my opinion.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 17/07/2011 17:43

Change your psychiatrist. The last thing you need is a psych who can be so easily manipulated by your DH. You want one who is on YOUR side. And don't take him with you!! Go by yourself.

I really really don't like the way this is shaping up - he is sounding more dodgy by the moment.

DID he push for the early marriage?

Doha · 17/07/2011 17:49

He is shagging her no doubt and she is confident enough in their relationship to let you see them together.
Your paranoia is giving them a great excuse to carry on behind your back--or not behind your back as the case may be.
I really don't believe giving him an aultimation will do any good. His behaviour up to now is reason enough to get rid. Tell him he can go to her house and not bother coming back. Please stand up to him
I hope you have some RL support OP who will help you realise that your are NOT as paranoid as is being made out.
This man is a cheat and a very cruel manipulative twat

wellwisher · 17/07/2011 17:51

Ugh, this sounds like The Yellow Wallpaper. He should not be having ANY contact with your psychiatrist. Change psych if you can.

You are not paranoid; he is giving you many reasons to doubt him. If you have the money, you could hire a private investigator to follow him and find out what's really going on... but I wouldn't bother. I think it's fairly clear he's up to no good.

Original poster
lyrafromoxford · 17/07/2011 17:54

He did push for the early marriage - and I was happy to start with. I did try to delay it, wanting to wait at least 6 months, but he said he couln't see the point - he knew he wanted to be with me, so why wait?

I'm surprised with the comments, I assumed that everyone would say that I'm unreasonable & that I should just trust him -- I've never had trust issues before, but feel so insecure with him, not comfortable. I wish it was like in the beginning when he was so loving and wanted to be with me, now I feel like a housemate.

He's been married before, 15 years. His ex ran off with another man, so that alone makes me think it's me more than him, as he had a successful marriage... though him & ex had a great sex life apparently. He told me they had threesomes etc - something which has made me unreasonable paranoid... I couldn't help thinking after he told me, that I wouldn't be enough, that he'w going to be looking at my friends, choosing which one to invite into our bed (I've never worried about things like this before).

I found porn on his phone - video clips of teenage girls... I know all men like to fantasise about teenage girls, but as I'm 40 I can never compete with them, and just hate that fact. We used to watch porn together, but now he hides it.. which I hate.

I also found porn clips of gay men having sex, but he said it was something he downloaded as a laugh. He has had sex with a man - but when he was young, and he didn't consent - he was drunk & woke up to find he was being raped.

OP posts: