Plucking up the courage to tell DH I want to separate. Any advice?

[minxthemanx]

Deep breath. Have made the decision that I cannot go on being unhappy in this marriage, and it is affecting the children. Have posted on here lots of times so many of you know the details, but in a nutshell, DH buggers off doing his 'hobby' for days, weekends and, at the moment, 8 days in Milan (nice). His behaviour over the years has been totally selfish and unreasonable, and most people on here have said he's a selfish arse. He's not a bad person, and v good with the DC who love him to bits, but has not listened, learned or considered my feelings in anything. In December DS1 was very poorly, in and out of hospital, and on the day I came home from hospital with him, following scans that drew a blank, DS buggered off to Barcelona for a hockey tournament. At that point I decided I wanted to separate, and was all geared up to tell him. Then DS1 deteriorated badly - turned out it was a burst brain aneurysm and he was critical in Gt Ormond St for 3 days. Has made an astounding recovery, tho we were told he may not survive at the time. Anyway, that was so traumatic that I couldn't then start the process of separation - emotionally exhausted.

However, DH has now been in Milan for 7 days and missed 2 weekends with the boys, all end of term activities, sports day, and DS1's final cricket match of the season tomorrow and celebratory bbq. Considering DS1 nearly died 6 months ago, this is a big deal to me. DS1 is very upset that his Dad won't be there. DH gets back Sunday evening, then work all week. Next Saturday, first day here for a fortnight, he is going to Lords. I have asked him to reconsider this, as unfair on the DC, he says no, it's been organised a year, anyway I'll see them on the Sunday.

BTW DS1 and I were back in Gt Ormond St for another operation only a fortnight ago.

I've had enough and I want a separation. I know, deep down, this is the right thing for DC and me - I am so unhappy, and at times lose patience with the boys when it's DH I'm so bloody angry with. I dread telling the boys as they adore him and will be devastated.

Advice, please, for damage limitation for the children. Also, we have a holiday in Cornwall booked for August - am tempted to cancel it and hope I can get some money back (I'll have to look at my travel insurance), or do you think have the holiday, grit my teeth (again) and start proceedings when we get back? Sorry so long. I am so tired and emotionally drained.

[Mouseface]

minx

Just use tonight to let your hair down. You've done so well this far, really you have. This can't be easy no matter how you feel about DH. And now that he is trying so hard to prove himself, pulls on your heart strings that little bit more.

I think you are an amazing lady with a clear view of what your final goal is, to have the real YOU back and two happy sons.

And FWIW, I believe that you will have that. Maybe just not for a while.

Little steps, keep talking to DH, keep talking to your friends and family. Do what feels right and have a wonderful night out.

Don't worry about the solicitor for now. Have a night off xx

[wannabesybil]

Amelia - I am a lurker, but I have been really feeling for the OP.

It may be possible to rescue the relationship, I am not one that condones separation without a good reason. However perhaps it is not up to the OP to do the work to salvage the relationship. Perhaps it is her husband that needs to reflect, consider and change his ways.

Please do not make the actions of the husband the fault of the wife. That is not very nice.

As a professional you are no doubt aware of the concept of 'battered wife syndrome'. I think you need to consider whether the consistent abandonment of the OP and trivialisation of her concerns and feelings UP UNTIL NOW falls into the range of behaviours that would trigger this.

He may be able to change, and he may be able to work it out. However sometimes love doesn't come back, and marriage without love can be pretty grim. It may have gone past the point of no return. Whether it has or it hasn't really is now down to how much the OP's partner will do OVER TIME and not in the brief initial panic of realising that they are now in trouble.

It has been the responsibility of the OP to do the majority of childcare, house care, domestic responsibilities, responsibilities in a crisis and the continued attempts to salvage the relationship. I think NOW it is the OP's partner's responsibility to salvage the relationship, not her. It is not her responsibility and it is morally wrong, after all that has happened, to make his actions her problem.

[Mouseface]

Excellent post.

[Mouseface]

That's it isn't it?

This is ALL your DH's doing minx. Like I said to you earlier, I honestly believe that you have done as much as you can to work at this marriage over the years.

And as others have pointed out, your DH is the one who has taken you to this point in your life, but I truly believe that you are going to 'sort it'

I can tell by your posts over the last day, that you can see that this is his fault and NOT because of anything you have or haven't done.

Keep going. Keep showing him that this is not a phase you're going through! No doubt that line will get wheeled out at some point.

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

I am behind Amelia. Easy to say 'your dh is a twat leave him'. Far more difficult is to engage in a multilateral analysis of a situation. That is what a good therapist would do imho.

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

it wasn't meant to take sides btw (I know it sounds like it). I am just trying to show that I read amelia's posts as an attempt to truly help the op in finding out what she wants and the best way to go. do not think for a second that amelia wants her to stay.

[MadamM]

I have been lurking on this thread too. Just wanted to say I am in a similar position than you minx. My H probably hasn't been as 'bad' as yours but I am going through very similar things than yu atm.

FWIW, I found it very difficult to see what I should/shouldn't do, and where responsabilities lie.
What wannabesybil certainly rung a bell with me. For a very long time, I have been too keen on taking the whole reponsability for our relationship and, of course, it didn't improve anything at all.
In the end, I have decided that I can not change things/him/his attitude. I know, as I am sure your H knows too, that my H knows exactely what is unacceptable for me. He has shown that by chnaging his attitude a little each time that I menationed I wanted to leave (and he knew I was serious about it).
What I can do is changing my attitude, understanding for myself why I didn't stand up to it so that I can understand myself better and hopefully grow and learn from it.
I am also trying to understand whether I still love him or if everything that happened destroyed it. Then I will take the final decison to leave and when (As you I have already checked CAB, solicitors etc... to see where I actually stand). But I have made peace with myself that that in itself can take time. Giving myslef deadlines (like I will tell him to leave before we go away on hols) has not been helpfull.
That's what counselling is good for me: Understanding boundaries, the mechanism behind my own attitude and clarifying my own feelings.

In the mean time, what I am doing is creating a life for myself. Because whatever happens and whenever it will happen, I need to live my own life (and enjoy it!)

[turquoisetumble]

Minx - I hope you are OK. I know this must be a terrible, draining time for you.

Your husband seems to be pulling out the big guns now, and you are feeling really unsure. That's understandable. If it was easy, you would have left years ago, right?

What's interesting is how he's only changed when he realises that he will lose out. Your distress, your children's distress (life threatening illness) didn't make him change - but his distress? Suddenly a different matter.

Please think carefully about yourself here. What do you want? You have been unhappy for so long, do you think there is any chance of happiness with your husband, even if he stops the hockey? In ten years time will you be glad you stayed? Do you have any love left for him - or just a sense of duty?

If you don't want to divorce right away, I agree with the poster that suggested a trial separation. It's not about punishing your husband, it's about putting your happiness first and being realistic. You've had years and years of this, it's not something that will change over night.

If you have a managed separation for 6 months, your husband can find out if he can live without his hockey and boy's jollies and you can both try counselling again - but with a break from each other.

I wish you all the best. I know after the trauma of your child's illness I don't need to say it - we only have one life. Don't waste it.

[barbiegrows]

mauricetinkler and swallowedafly

I think you both need to back off and accept that not everybody has the same opinion as yours, and not everybody thinks that the best advice is what everyone else thinks is best.

There is a distinct lack of respect towards other posters from some people on mn. It's like being back in the school playground. You're picking on Ameliagrey because her view is just not yours. Not everyone has the right words / expertise / ability to swear / 'wit'. Get over it and try to show a little respect.

All hail those of us who have our own opinions and views, dare do voice them and make mumsnet a more balanced place to be!

And let's get back to OP and HER story.

[SophieRMumsnet]

There has been a lot of support and helpful advice for the OP. Let's carry on with that please.

[Mouseface]

minx - how are you today? How was last night? Thinking of you x

[minxthemanx]

Came back from a night out with friends late last night - had told DH that I would be sleeping on sofa. Came in to find he had made up bed on sofa for me, with obvious care and attention. He has NEVER done anything like that before. This morning told me he won't go to Lords on Saturday for male family jolly, instead why don't I meet my old college friends in London. God knows he is making a lot of effort. Tonight I will tell him about my meeting with solicitor and that I am writing to explain why I won't be at the family wedding. Just taking it one day at a time at the moment. Oh and will ask him to sleep in different room tonight.

[mauricetinkler]

I wouldnt hold your breath Swallow on that one.

[Mouseface]

minx - that's really all that you can do sweets, take it a day at a time.

This is almost like a 'honeymoon period' isn't it? He is trying to show you that he cares. He's trying to make it all better by being the husband that he should have been from the start.

My DH has gone to Lords, he had to get the tickets in advance so if your DH has had to do the same and is saying he won't go then good on him. They're not cheap!

Just try not to let him 'fool' you. I mean that in the nicest way, I'm not saying you're stupid, not at all. This won't be 'fixed' overnight. Time will tell just how much he means this.

Just keep doing what you have planned too, one step/day at a time. And YY to telling him about the solicitor. I also think that he needs to move out for you to have some real head space.

Who knows, you may even miss him. Follow you gut instinct.

And keep posting as things happen if you get chance.

Keep saying it aloud too. Make it real.

xx

[wannabesybil]

I hope all will work out for you.

I suggest that you keep a journal and refer to it often. It may be exactly what is needed, to make him aware that he needs to shape up. However if you keep a journal and refer back regularly you will see whether this is sustained. You can set benchmarks, and keep aware of how things are.

Life is not made up of all WOW moments, where something so extreme happens that you have to act there and then (mine left me with no water, no central heating (when the snow was really bad), a just turned three year old and a torn ankle ligament that meant I couldn't get to the kitchen without crying - and all he would have needed to do was ask his child friendly boss to work at home for one morning - that's a WOW moment, though not as WOW as yours). Life is lots of little niggles and tiny steps and minor decisions that add up to things not being right. Your partner may be able to turn things around now - but it will be really hard for him not to slip back, even with the best will in the world. He is changing the thought patterns and actions of a lifetime, which isn't easy (though overdue!). I think it is fairer on both you and him if you set benchmarks and hold them to them. Many men respond well to having clear and defined targets. And that way if things do slide, you know that things are sliding.

I also think that you do not rush into a final decision. Keep taking advice, checking your position, knowing your rights. Your partner has spent years getting to this position. He should know that there is hard work to get you back, and that may help him to value you.

You are absolutely and irretrievably correct in making a stand.

Also - don't make his problems your problems

Also - just because he has finally seen the light doesn't mean that he hasn't destroyed your relationship beyond repair. He might be doing the right things now, but that doesn't mean that you have to stay with him because he has changed. You can stay with him or not, but only if you feel right and not because you feel you ought.

This could be the start of a great part of your relationship, but you do not HAVE to do anything, and it is up to him to satisfy YOU that things will be well. And if the relationship is over, then now he will start getting the skills to do the co-parenting that he will need, and you can still work an amicable relationship. You have done everything that was asked for you and lots more. Do not feel that you OUGHT to do more.

Can you imagine retirement with him?

[Mouseface]

What did you say Saf?

Do you know what was deleted Maurice?

[mauricetinkler]

No I dont Mouseface. I am deadly curious, like. Probably something about AG.

[Mouseface]

I don't remember anything that was 'delete' fodder posted by Saf?

Unless it was the line about AG taking the husband off OP's hands?

[barbiegrows]

wannabesybil
Great post, nice and balanced, this is such a tricky one for you minx. I hate to say it but I feel for your dh too. But any change in him will make a difference, even if you don't stay together.
Totally with wbs about setting boundaries loud and clear.