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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told him I want to separate, but he won't accept it

91 replies

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 19:30

So what do I do?

He says he won't move out, and wants us to live under the same roof regardless. I think this is dysfunctional. I just want to be free of this horrendous millstone, I can't get out though, because he's the one with the money. I'm starting to really detest him, I just hate being around him. I've made it clear I'd be more than reasonable re the kids, and I would.

WTF do I do now?

dh has been confiding in someone who's a bitter 'Families Need Fathers' character, who no doubt takes pleasure in telling dh what a bitch I am and that he should fight me every step of the way, etc.

Any of our mutual friends would be a bit more well balanced because while they are his friends, they know what a cunt he probably is to live with. That's why we got here in the first place.

What should I do? Get legal advice? Where should I go first? Any pointers from anyone who's been in this position would be very welcome. I'm thinking start with CAB then maybe get a solicitor?

PS he told me he was 'concerned for the girls' welfare' if we split because I'm doing a f/t university course. WTF? Makes it sound like a social services case. Never mind that he works f/t and always has. That's how manipulative he is...

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 15/07/2011 19:33

You cannot force him to leave, so therefore if you want to be free of him it is up to you to save and get together enough money to rent accomodation for you and your children. You might find that you have to stop your studying and get a job in order to get into a position to leave. That or part time work when you are not studying so you can save to move out.

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 19:36

Fwiw 'families need fathers' help hundreds of mothers also. Don't be so scathing, YOU may need their help one day!!!!

You will have to move out. Why should he?

maristella · 15/07/2011 19:39

Please seek legal advice asap

You may be entitled to a share of the property, even if he earns all the money you may well have made sacrifices to bring up your children, and the law does recognise that.

Please don't do anything until you've got that advice.

He can't force you to stay married

SirSugar · 15/07/2011 19:42

Are you married?

Original poster

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 19:44

Yes

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 19:46

Where do you expect him to actually go?

maristella · 15/07/2011 19:49

In what way has he been awful to live with?

Original poster

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 19:49

ILT - sorry, didn't mean to be scathing. Just wanted to find a shorthand to describe the guy. He's very very bitter and full of hate because his ltr ended and he doesn't have access to his xp's dd from her previous marriage.

Why should he move out? Because he can afford to? Because I'm around more - he works v long hours - and girls aged 11 and 9 need their mum more than their dad? And because I have absolutely no money and am completely dependent on him. How could I move out, go to a refuge? I have no family support.

OP posts:

maristella · 15/07/2011 19:50

Lizzie has he been abusive?

FabbyChic · 15/07/2011 19:52

She is entitled to half the equity of the house, however it doesn't mean she is entitled to live in it and he move out, it doesn't work like that. If you want out you have to get out by yourself. Sorry but your girls are old enough that you should have gone back to work years ago, rather than live off your husband this is what happens when women are not independant.

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 19:54

Okay. Can I start by asking you a couple of questions: have you been married over five years and have children as a result of the relationship?

If so he has to provide for you and he will be forced to move out during a divorce most likely.

Your rights are: half of his assets at least and no, he can't force you to stay married to him.

Google 'collaborative divorce' this may be a good way of working with him once he's got over the shock of the split. He is in denial as a defence mechanism. If you can show him that you are committed to working things out for both of your benefit (and that of your children) and he might realise you have the best interests of everyone involved.

If you go for a adversarial divorce you will incur a lot in solicitors fees but you will still get him out. But it will make him more bitter. It may work out better for both of you if you can go for a negotiated exit. (and it's actually not a horrible process compared to the traditional divorce).

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 19:55

He won't have much money when he has to find a new home (big enough to have the dc to stay) and pay you 20% wages in maintenance. As well as still pay bills and mortgage on current house

In absence of abuse, I can kind of see why he won't budge!!

Original poster

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 19:56

maristella. I tried to keep my initial post fairly brief. Marriage broke down because he was grumpy and critical for years when dc were small. Everything I did was wrong, completely eroded my self esteem. No affection, love, outside the bedroom but still expected sex, obviously.

Hates me seeing my friends, hates me spending time on my own with dcs. We moved to a new town 8 years ago, he hasn't made one friend of his own, but hates me spending time with mine.

He doesn't love me and I disappeared for him once I'd had the children. He's 14 years older than me and used to be really bullying; I have grown up a lot and want to be independent, not tied to this angry old man.

He uses porn and I found it on the computer, not hidden away but on the desktop where kids could have found it. He has erection problems and we now have no sex life, but he rubs my nose in it how it's fine when he masturbates, something he says he does all the time... etc.

No DV, no drinking, just all completely joyless.

OP posts:

maristella · 15/07/2011 19:56

Fabby you are being utterly harsh.

OP's reasons for studying for a degree do not warrant such hostility!
Nor are you in a position to determine what OP is entitled to.

OP you will get much more accurate advice from a solicitor; your university student support should be able to help you get started.
Your husband's threat to challenge you as a parent suggests you need all the support you can get

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 19:57

Fabbychic that's not a very nice thing to say. Choosing to stay at home when your partner is affluent is a job itself - I'm sure she doesn't sit on the sofa all day eating chocolate

Well I don't anyway!

And it does work like that during divorce, either the house will be sold and provision will be made for the wife and kids, OR she will stay in the house. For the next 9 years he is responsible for keeping his kids. That's the sum of it. Yes the courts would rule that if she is able to work then she should work but she would be given time to find a job and retrain rather than being cut off from all funds immediately and she would get a settlement anyway.

TheProvincialLady · 15/07/2011 19:58

Yes, definitely seek legal advice asap and don't engage with him at the moment WRT what he will and won't do. Find out your rights and responsibilities first.

maristella · 15/07/2011 19:59

Lizzie you came across as really deflated and down.

Whatever anyone's reasons for separating, it's not about who is right and who is wrong it's about what is best for the children.

OP if you are unhappy with him, then you have done the right thing in doing something about it

maristella · 15/07/2011 20:00

wwmc I'm glad you're here too!

Original poster

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:03

Fabbychic, don't judge me, I am not a sponger. I stayed at home with kids until they started school, I wanted to and dh wanted me to. It was agreed and was the right thing for them, not judging anyone who went straight back to work, we all have to do what we think is right for ourselves and our families.

As soon as younger dd started school I went to college and did science A levels. I am now two years into a degree in medicine, and starting my clinical training in August. I will qualify as a doctor in 2014.

I'm not some lazy cow who just wants to live off someone else. Doing medicine is bloody hard even without kids and as much as I can I am funding it with loans I will pay back myself when I qualify and start earning.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:06

I do urge you OP to look at visiting a solicitor who is a member of Resolution - they mostly give a free hour's consult anyway. He or she will outline your rights (and responsibilities) and give you some info on how it can work if the collaborative approach is right for you. They will also send you away with a list of local solicitors who are also members of Resolution so your husband can also get his free hour's consult to understand what's involved and to be assured as to his rights (and responsibilities). It's a very grown up process and TBF I went to see mine for the first time on Tuesday and felt a weight off because I know where I stand, legally and financially and I have a plan for the way forward.

It's still shit, but it's manageable you know? And armed with the information I've had some much more fruitful conversations with my husband since.

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:07

That's fantastic UnhappyLizzie - you will have a great career in a few short years and look, from his PoV that means you are able to earn so he will only have to maintain you a short time. Well done you. :)

Truckrelented · 15/07/2011 20:15

Am prepared to get absolutely flamed here but,

If he's going to support the OP until 2014, and it looks a case for spousal and child maintenance, she'll then have a well paid career,(better paid than him?) should he lose the majority of the assets in divorce?

Original poster

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:18

wmmc, thank you :) It's all horrible atm. Tried not to write too much of an essay in my first post and just get shot down. I have been studying for four years, since dd2 started school. I couldn't go back to my original job because I had to fly all over the world with. dh also has to travel with his job, so it wasn't practical. He wanted me to stay at home and I wanted to be with kids. He was earning a lot of money then (isn't now - recession) so it made sense.

I'm not bothered about getting divorced - we could eventually, but neither of us has anyone else/wants to remarry, so is it necessary? Do I have to put a divorce in process to get everything sorted out legally?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 20:20

How will you pay for your divorce?

Original poster

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:24

Truckrelented, I am desperate to be independent. I couldn't give a stuff about money, property, possessions, I just want a roof over my head, to be a good mother to my daughters and to carry on my training so I can be independent and have a long, satisfying career - and provide for them and myself.

I wouldn't seek anything from him for its own sake. I think a lot of people have a mistaken idea of what doctors earn though. When I start earning I'll be on about 24K, not a fortune after 5 years' training. Most hospital consultants earn about 80K, this is after usually 10 years AFTER qualification. It's not badly paid, but it's not silly money either. Relative to the length and difficulty of the training and the level of responsibility (ie daily possibility of killing someone if you make a mistake) it's peanuts.

OP posts:

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