Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told him I want to separate, but he won't accept it

91 replies

UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 19:30

So what do I do?

He says he won't move out, and wants us to live under the same roof regardless. I think this is dysfunctional. I just want to be free of this horrendous millstone, I can't get out though, because he's the one with the money. I'm starting to really detest him, I just hate being around him. I've made it clear I'd be more than reasonable re the kids, and I would.

WTF do I do now?

dh has been confiding in someone who's a bitter 'Families Need Fathers' character, who no doubt takes pleasure in telling dh what a bitch I am and that he should fight me every step of the way, etc.

Any of our mutual friends would be a bit more well balanced because while they are his friends, they know what a cunt he probably is to live with. That's why we got here in the first place.

What should I do? Get legal advice? Where should I go first? Any pointers from anyone who's been in this position would be very welcome. I'm thinking start with CAB then maybe get a solicitor?

PS he told me he was 'concerned for the girls' welfare' if we split because I'm doing a f/t university course. WTF? Makes it sound like a social services case. Never mind that he works f/t and always has. That's how manipulative he is...

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/07/2011 20:25

you need to speak to a solicitor specialsiing in family law re; divorcing him

you also need to have a chat wth womens aid about how to deal with him

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 20:26

Get independent legal advice. Don't do anything on the basis of comments on here. Don't leave the family home.

Original poster
UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:26

ILT, I have no fucking idea. I don't want a divorce, just to separate. If I knew what I was doing I wouldn't have asked for advice

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 20:28

This is why you need legal advice, not the opinions of random people on the internet. You need to protect your interests and those of your children.

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:28

You need to get a separation order and part of that is an agreement on money and residence of the children. Do not be conned that if you divorce him and he dies you lose his half of the pension, pension sharing orders stop that happening these days.

Truckrelented to answer your question - yes if he earning potential is high then the courts may award less than 50% but it is unlikely and it would count in the OP's favour if she divorced sooner if her income is likely to rise (but not guaranteed to rise) in a few years.

ILoveTIFFANY Divorce costs would be taken from the assets. But the petitioner pays the first bit (about £800) So if the OP starts proceedings in the adversarial system she would have to pay that.

Original poster
UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:29

I kind of feel Women's Aid have more important things to do like helping women with violent partners. Wouldn't I be wasting their time?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/07/2011 20:30

by putting in for a divorce he will be forced to approach the matter properly regarding sepration of finances, financial support, children and contact and so on.

if you separate but live under same roof it could drift on for years...

not legally divorcing would suit him because you remain married and he ahs contorl

how do the chidlren get on with him?
is he hands on?
will he and children enjoy their weekends together?

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 20:30

Don't know if you qualify for legal aid.
Have you thought about his access? When he will have the girls? He could take it to court for joint residency

The dc themselves, what will they think? If they prefer to stay with him then be prepared for that as they are old enough to have a big say in court

Truckrelented · 15/07/2011 20:30

Random people on the Internet who've been through it.

I got most of my info from here and Wikivorce saved me thousands in solicitors fees.

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:31

Oh if you are only starting on 24K there is very little chance they would give him any more than 50% OP. And FYI his earning potential is equally counted and if he was on a very high wage before, this would be taken into consideration.

Agree though you need professional advice. You are losing nothing by going to see someone. It may help clarify your thought. But remember that separation is only a first step. It's not sensible to remain married for years to someone you don't love and are never returning to.

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:31

ILoveTiffany - she would not get legal aid. If they have assets it's not going to happen.

cestlavielife · 15/07/2011 20:33

no call womens aid you have spoken about his controlling behaviour. womens aid phone answerers are not just there for phyical violence

eg he has said - he wants you to live under the same roof regardless.
that is control.
that is bullying.

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:33

www.resolution.org.uk/

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 20:33

So her husbands wage pays for the wife's legal advice on how to financially break him?

whomovedmychocolate · 15/07/2011 20:35

Yup, ironic isn't it? Wink

Actually no it's not on how to financially break him. What they both need is to be happy and right now, probably neither of them are. That's not a good position to be in. I've been there for many years and you just learn to be horrid to each other because you lose respect for each other and it's crushing, really crushing every day. The automatic response becomes to deride each other, shout and bully each other and it works both ways. It's unhealthy.

I'd first suggest you insist he goes to counselling with you but if you are beyond that point then yes, go to law and make things different in a way that works for you all.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 20:39

I kind of meant ILoveTIFFANY Truckrelented who is not exactly without bias as you may have noticed.

ILT 'her husbands wage pays for the wife's legal advice on how to financially break him?'

They are a one income household, so that is their money and you are assuming the worst possible motives. Are you suggesting that she stay married until she can earn enough independently to pay for a divorce????

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 15/07/2011 20:39

Tiffany, it's not "her husband's wage," it's the family income. He supported the family by working outside the house; her contribution was to look after the children and possibly run the house as well.

Original poster
UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:42

cestlavie, he's a great dad, he is hands-on. No problems there, he's got his faults but that isn't one of them.

ILT, they love their dad, but there's no way they'd choose to be with him rather than me. I was with them on my own for seven years and we are really close. We talk about everything and have a lot of fun together.

I think it's very cruel to ask children to choose anyway. Maybe at 11 and 9 they are old enough to have an opinion but I don't know if any child is ever 'old enough' to take responsibility for making a decision that they know would hurt one of the parents they love. It's up to the parents to sort it out amicably IMO. Ideally I'd like to live close to dh if we separated, so they got lots of time with both of us, and be able to be co-operative and flexible, because we both have times when we are busier than others (I have exams, he has trips away). Maybe I'm living in a fool's paradise there though...

OP posts:
EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 20:44

'I was with them on my own for seven years'

Is he their father/does he have PR for them?

Original poster
UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:45

When the fuck did I say I wanted to 'financially break' my husband? I just don't want to live with him any more Confused

ILT, are you my husband?

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhappyLizzie · 15/07/2011 20:47

ELNP, sorry that was misleading. He is their dad, we were married when they came along. I only mean I was a SAHM for 7 years. dh works long hours, so I spent a lot lot more time with them than he did.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 20:48

It's his wage now, they have separated and living under same roof!

And now I'm more confused. You lived on your own with them? So is he bio dad?

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 20:49

X posts!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 20:58

OK, understand now. Well I think you need to take some formal action because you don't want to continue the way things are. It may be that the house ends up being sold and the funds divided. Whatever happens, you sound like you recognise that he is a good father and it's in the best interests of your DDs to have a good continuing relationship with him.

It's difficult because from what you've said he's not actually being a husband to you, sexually or emotionally, but he expects you to continue with the status quo. Whatever action you take will anger him, and the comments you've made about him not wanting you to see your friends etc don't suggest he'll cope well with you breaking away from him.

All you can do is be the one who puts your DDs first and try to protect them from the fall out of the split. Get advice (I'm sure people will suggest sites) and start the process, and try to remember that whatever else that a) he's a good father and b) you deserve a partner who loves you and makes you feel good about yourself.

Truckrelented · 15/07/2011 20:58

If I have a bias it is towards the belief that divorces can be as amicable as possible and both parties can survive it so they are both ok financially and the children are put through as little distress as possible.

I think the divorce court system in the UK can make it so adversarial that an amicable split is impossible.