Told him I want to separate, but he won't accept it

[UnhappyLizzie]

So what do I do?

He says he won't move out, and wants us to live under the same roof regardless. I think this is dysfunctional. I just want to be free of this horrendous millstone, I can't get out though, because he's the one with the money. I'm starting to really detest him, I just hate being around him. I've made it clear I'd be more than reasonable re the kids, and I would.

WTF do I do now?

dh has been confiding in someone who's a bitter 'Families Need Fathers' character, who no doubt takes pleasure in telling dh what a bitch I am and that he should fight me every step of the way, etc.

Any of our mutual friends would be a bit more well balanced because while they are his friends, they know what a cunt he probably is to live with. That's why we got here in the first place.

What should I do? Get legal advice? Where should I go first? Any pointers from anyone who's been in this position would be very welcome. I'm thinking start with CAB then maybe get a solicitor?

PS he told me he was 'concerned for the girls' welfare' if we split because I'm doing a f/t university course. WTF? Makes it sound like a social services case. Never mind that he works f/t and always has. That's how manipulative he is...

Unhappylizzie you will only realise after you have left how much the situation is affecting both you and your children. When you wake in the morning with a smile on your face and that smile lasts all day for no real reason other than you are alive, only then will you realise how much unhappiness being in your marriage was causing you.

It will be affecting your children, it will be affecting your husband also but like you, he won't realise how much so until after you have left. Go with your heart, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

UnhappyLizzie - I have a very good friend whose mum left her Dad pretty much the day after friend's 21st birthday. She'd been unhappy for years, apparently - not sure whether she was already having an affair or found a new man shortly after (it's a while ago) but the devastation was profound. It blew my friend's seemingly happy life and childhood to smithereens and she was a mess for a good few years afterwards. SOOO angry with her mum. But this is a different scenario, because her parents put on a good front - so the divorce came out of left field, as it were.

I am another who spent most of my teens wondering when my parents would divorce and who I would prefer to live with. I had a lot of mood issues as a teen, long periods of being depressed and I think much of it was to do with the atmosphere at home. My parents never did split though - my Dad was a firm believer in "til death do us part" and my Mum had never lived alone and wouldn't have known what to do if she had left so never did (she died 4 years ago.)

Oh, so many unhappy stories. It's all so difficult :( I see women on here whose partners hit them and/or their children. Who go to prostitutes or have affairs. I can see these people find it really hard to leave their partners, even when there is 'good reason'. I almost envy them sometimes because it makes it 'easy', though of course it isn't really at all.

I just have a dysfunctional, sexless, rather hostile marriage. I have grappled for so long whether it is the right thing to do to leave or to stay. If it's hard to do when there is something dangerously wrong, I kind of wonder how I can justify it. My husband is not unkind, he's a great dad, he (probably) loves me. I don't love him any more and I feel a big gap. I don't want to live forever like this. But maybe that's not a big enough reason to break up the family.

I still can't work it out :(

It's not an exam. There is no EU specification for "Reasons To Leave A Marriage Standards XXVII, January 2011". If a marriage is not enhancing the lives of the people in it, that's enough. If your marriage makes you unhappy, that's a very good reason.

How many years have you got left on this earth? When it's coming to an end, how likely is it you'll say "I'm so glad I put up with decades of grinding misery"?

Added to which - we all know, these days, about relationship modelling and how children play out their parents' dramas in their own adult lives. You can probably give your kids some far more inspiring lessons than this.

Equally, t's not a competition - you don't have to be "worse off" than other people, everyone has their own limit of what they can stand.

You are not happy. Your H is not happy. Your DDs are not happy. Something needs to change. Your "family" is not a happy one - you can change that and make it happy.

What's stopping you in the end? The feeling that perhaps you "don't deserve to be happy"? What about your DDs, they deserve happiness, surely? Do it for them if not for you. For their futures as much as for their now - do you want them to accept your marriage as a model for themselves?

Thumbsnose, it is so hard to see how breaking up my family is doing something positive for my children. They were singing in the car on the way to school this morning :(

Lizzie, in the end, it's your choice. You live with what you have to. If you decide that your happiness is immaterial, that's fine. But make sure that your children live in a happy atmosphere for their happiness. If you can't do that, then change something.

Hi Lizzie,
once again we have someone in need of support who is being attacked by women who might as well be moralistic 'fff-type' abusive men with girly nicknames. I say moralistic because they can't seem to handle the fact that a woman could be so sinful as to have an affair/desperate fling and that they should be smitten down by the hand of the Lord with fire and brimstone.
I've been at the receiving end of these ranters too, and it's so wrong. And I didn't even have a fling!

Anyhow Lizzie, you are married, you WILL get to stay in the marital home, you are main carer, you have two girls. And he WILL try and make you leave because he knows full well that the law is on your side.

I hope you do get some legal advice asap and that these mumsnet downers haven't put you off making your first step to getting what you deserve - a peaceful life in a contented and healthy relationship.

I'm with garlicbutter on the advice on what to do - she knows a lot more than me tbh!

Thanks, Barbie, though I doubt it :)

Lizzie, your DCs can still sing in the car after you've split. You might even feel more like singing along with them!

Hi Lizzie, you have my sympathies and admiration in equal doses, and you sound like a caring and considered woman, as well as a clever one who is doing a medical degree. Only in my opinion, your marriage sounds irredeemable and it would be wrong to yourself, your husband and your children to stay. None will benefit in the long run, and probably not in the short term either.
By way of anecdote, my in-laws split when DH turned 16, after gradually loathing each other more and more over the years. There was no third party, but no love and eventually no friendship either. DH was utterly relieved, and couldn't be happier to have seen them both eventually, over a few years, meet new partners who they actually matched and make happy lives for themselves. By turn, he knows how important it is to be in a happy relationship for your own and your partner's sake - and most of all to set an example to your children of what the kind of relationship you'd wish for them one day may look like.

Your girls' future relationships may be formed by their experience of 'normality', ie your marriage. It's not the only, or most important, reason to leave, but I think it is one of the reasons...

Sorry that post was terribly written, dashed off in a spare minute after reading your post - hope you can skim through my wordiness and it makes sense.

Anne- see a counsellor. You sound unhinged.