Told him I want to separate, but he won't accept it

[UnhappyLizzie]

So what do I do?

He says he won't move out, and wants us to live under the same roof regardless. I think this is dysfunctional. I just want to be free of this horrendous millstone, I can't get out though, because he's the one with the money. I'm starting to really detest him, I just hate being around him. I've made it clear I'd be more than reasonable re the kids, and I would.

WTF do I do now?

dh has been confiding in someone who's a bitter 'Families Need Fathers' character, who no doubt takes pleasure in telling dh what a bitch I am and that he should fight me every step of the way, etc.

Any of our mutual friends would be a bit more well balanced because while they are his friends, they know what a cunt he probably is to live with. That's why we got here in the first place.

What should I do? Get legal advice? Where should I go first? Any pointers from anyone who's been in this position would be very welcome. I'm thinking start with CAB then maybe get a solicitor?

PS he told me he was 'concerned for the girls' welfare' if we split because I'm doing a f/t university course. WTF? Makes it sound like a social services case. Never mind that he works f/t and always has. That's how manipulative he is...

ELNP, thanks for your measured advice. Yes, you are right, he is a good dad, I have no problem with him there. I know I'm lucky to have a husband who loves his children.

However, it's a coin with two sides. His devotion to the girls means he is willing to continue with as you call it, the status quo, under almost any terms. I am convinced that they are not benefitting from the coldness and gloom which must be apparent in their parents' relationship. I've put other posts on here when I was grappling with what to do, and most people have argued (often pretty aggressively!) that's it's not a healthy environment.

I feel a stuck. Obviously I didn't get married to break up my family, but the marriage has broken down. I've had almost no sex life for four years, and now it's non existent. If it's not going to last forever, it seems better to make the break now, though it's monstrously inconvenient with me halfway through my course. In a year dd1 will be going to secondary school. Then there's puberty, dd2 starting secondary, GCSEs, A levels. When's it going to be a good time?

He'd keep me on any terms. It's about the kids, not me. I feel like he hates me.

That's why I said both UnhappyLizzie. Yes he loves his children, but that doesn't mean you should have to live with someone who doesn't love you and treats you with no respect. It means that if you want to end it you do what you can to support his relationship with your DDs.

There are some narrow minded sods on here lizzie. Ignore if you can. You're brave for trying to get out. Some of us get stuck. Get advice, talk to friends and do what's best for you

If he loves his children, that's good, but it doesn't mean he is entitled to get away with making you a slave and telling you that you should just suck it up for the DC's sake. You MATTER. If he really loves the children and wants the best for them, he would actually make some sort of effort to make you feel happier as well. Just because you are the woman in the house, doesn't mean you can be disregarded or expected to put everyone's needs so far above your own that your needs are never met.
Go and see a solicitor. Get all the information available on your rights, the family assets, what benefits if any you might get as a single parent with custody. Once you have all this information, then you can decide what to do next.

ILT, I don't know what your problem is with OP but you are coming across as very aggressive and negative.

FWIW OP I am having to live in the same house seperately with my EXDH as I too have no money to move out, and he won't...although he can afford to.

We are both learning to deeply hate each other.

I'm glad you're to the point of looking seriously at splitting, U-Lizzie, as you have sounded very down and trapped in previous posts/threads.

I think CAB is a good call and some free advice from a solicitor if you can get it. Make an appointment as soon as you can so you're armed with some facts and can show your stbeh you mean business.

Good luck.

Unhappy, try this link www.lawontheweb.co.uk/Family_Law/Cohabitation - there is a bit about being able to force the sale of a property if it is owned in joint names. You need to speak to a lawyer asap. Try the CAB for starters.

Nick...... The fact is he stands to lose everything, and has to keep working to keep it all lost.
Reality for him is a Bedsit with no overnights with his dc. 2 sides to every story.

ILT, yes there are two sides to every story, and you know neither mine nor my husband's. I was asking for practical advice. No, actually, the reality would never be a bedsit with no overnights, he has over a million quid's worth of assets. Wtf do you know, really?

I've asked for this thread to be removed because it now consists mostly of you being judgemental and aggressive and people criticising you for it. Thanks for nothing.

Sincere thanks to everyone who've given constructive and useful advice, I really appreciate it very much.

NickRobinson, so sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds awful and I do sympathise.

ILT I am really surprised at you this evening. You usually come across as being reasonable and switched on, but tonight you have been judgemental and unpleasant. OP has every right to separate from her husband and has every right to expect not to be homeless and destitute for doing so. OP's husband is not set to lose everything either OP and her husband will divide the assets (unlikely given his attitude towards her and threats) or the solicitors will. In this country couples split up every day, they have a right to do so, get over it and please leave the poor woman alone.

Sorry OP, another hijack

Every now and then posters seeking much needed support are bombarded with unhelpful and irrational 'advice'. In fact there's usually one or two

OP, sorry you have had a hard time on this thread

You have made the brave decision to split from your DH.

You need to get to the CAB and also look on entitledto.com which will give you an idea of what you will be entitled to.

A free consultation with a solicitor is a good idea, but make a list of questions you want answers to before you go in...

Good luck!!! I have been in your situation and it can get better!!

Hi, I'm sorry I can't read all your thread for various reasons. You're married with children. You own all of your assets equally & jointly while you're married, and you should be entitled to roughly half (or more) after divorce. His financial responsibility to the children doesn't end with divorce. If he's a bully, a collaborative divorce might possibly be the worst thing you can do.

Before you decide he isn't abusive, have a look a this very good little video, which MadameOvary linked to on another thread: .

This is the thread, btw: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1219427-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships/AllOnOnePage

ps: Yes, you will have to get divorced to have the finances legally ratified. The CAB is always a good place to start.

bother, hope you saw this before deletion!

unhappylizzie - I hope in some ways that this thread isn't deleted because there is good advice in here among the sniping and bitching.

I agree with you that it isn't in the DDs best interests to be brought up in a household where there is little love, liking or empathy between the parents. Your H doesn't want to lose you because he doesn't want to have to live by himself. This is not uncommon. I also think you should seek legal advice asap as to how to deal with the situation; and I hope you manage to get some resolution very soon. Good luck (and with your exams etc.)

If ILT projects anymore you can start charging her for a flying freehold.

I'm sorry your thread has gone a bit feral. Please go to CAB and get some advice. It's not healthy for anyone to stay in a relationship like the one you've described and your DDs will be learning about how relationships are supposed to work from watching you interact. Maybe it would be worth asking him, as he loves his DDs so much, does he want them to grow up thinking it's normal for a husband to treat a wife the way that he treats you?

FWIW - a friend's sister did this: her H was a bully and a marital rapist. She divorced him secretly when her DC were 9 and 12 but they continued to live in the house together, as neither could afford to move out/sell the house (bad period of negative equity abounding type of thing). They lived like that for 9y - she did nothing for him, no cooking, no washing, just looked after the boys and the house and he lived in the spare room but he could no longer touch her because not married any more. When the younger DC was 18 and off to Uni, they split properly and the DC were livid when they found out about the secret divorce and staying together in the house for so long! They really berated their mum and asked why she hadn't left/kicked him out - it had made the atmosphere so unpleasant for all that time (they didn't even speak to each other, this woman and her ex).

If your H has any thought for his DDs, he should accept the separation.

So you had an emotional affair and now you want your husband to leave his home, see less of his kids and fund you through medical school.

I can see why he isn't keen, to be honest.

Is it an option for you to move out and leave the children with him?

Lizzabadger
Where dose it say that UnhappyLizzie had an ea?

some of the posts on this thread are just

Good luck Lizzie, hope you get some legal advise.

maristella, garlic, simpson, thanks for your advice.

Thumbsnose the scenario you describe is one of the things I fear. I've seen kids on my course whose parents have split up since they started medical school, obviously having waited until dc went to uni to do it. These kids are devastated. I know three people this has happened to, and they all said they knew their parents were unhappy for years. They resent massively that their parents waited until they'd gone and feel they have been lied to.

Plus it's not a 'favour' they'd ever have asked for.

LB's seen me on another thread, Hampster. I didn't have an ea - that's a misrepresentation - but I fell in love with someone else. Nothing happened. He treated me like shit (pursued me while doing IVF with wife FWIW), but I guess it was another thing that made me realise there was nothing left at home.

LB - do you think in a million years I'd leave my kids?

If you think I'd just leave my kids and go and live without them you're obviously not a mother yourself, so you can't hope to understand my situation.

If you want to have a go, read the thread first. My husband has £1m+ in assets yet I am funding my degree mostly through loans I will repay when I am earning. So he is hardly 'funding me through medical school'.

When I qualify I will be able to support myself and my children. What is it about doing professional training that makes someone a sponger exactly?

I can't win, I've been attacked on another thread for NOT getting him to pay when he's wealthy.

Mumsnet's going through one of its fighty phases at the moment. Not your fault at all, and I'm glad you came back to your thread :)

He's not entitled to go "What's mine is mine, now piss off" (or words to that effect.) He married you and created a family with you: if he thought he could do without sharing, he's a twat. But I guess you knew that!

Please, do make an appointment with the CAB. Also, I know this sounds 'wrong', but it's sensible to have a good old private trawl through all your finances - bank accounts, investments, property, savings, cars and stuff, pensions - and take copies of everything. Your H doesn't sound like the kind of chap who'll readily make full disclosure so it's wise to be prepared.

Yours and thumb's tales about the pain of children whose parents stayed together "for their sake" should be stickied on this board, imo.

The joys of posting when there's a full moon

Fwiw my parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children', or more likely because one of them did not have the confidence to make the break, and the atmosphere in which I grew up was awful. There was an underlying hostility and bid for control, which had such a damaging effect on all of us. I have never had a relationship as long as 3 years, another sibling has never had a year long relationship (!) and the other sibling is in a very ltr in which he puts up with a hell of a lot. The effect of my parents marriage, and yes we are all shaped by our parents relationships, is that I do not have the ability to trust, nor the inclination to put DC through what I went through.

Lizzie I strongly suggest you seek that legal advice, and shop around for the right representation for you. You need and deserve someone who will not only fight your corner, but serve to protect you and your DD's from what can be a difficult process.

garlic - thanks for that. I will try and fix up an appointment with the CAB. Also I'll be checking out the useful links I've been given on here to websites when I have a bit more time and privacy.

maristella, your story is interesting - and sad :( It echoes what one of my friends has told me about her parents' marriage. They lived together in misery for years, and her mum had affairs. For some reason only known to herself, my friend's mum made her a confidante with respect to the affairs she was having. My friend said that the effect on her was to make her very promiscuous when she was younger. She is now in a ltr with children, and determined to keep it all on track at all times so it doesn't go the way of her parents' marriage. The parents are now long-term separated (probably divorced, I'm not sure) but they are still the most important person in each other's lives.

I suspect this has more to do with the fact that they hung on for so long neither of them has ever made another meaningful relationship with someone else. I just don't want this to happen to me, it's been loveless (and almost completely sexless fwiw) for four years+ already.

My husband is 14 years older than me and has changed so much since we got married 12 years ago. I am 40 and he's 54 and so middle aged in outlook and expectations. I don't know if I'm having a midlife crisis but I look into the future and it looks so limited and unfulfilling. I am terrified at the thought of splitting and feel awful for the childrend but I don't want to wake up when I'm 50 and feel the same, only worse, and to know I've thrown many (potentially) good years after the bad ones. My mum says I should hang in there until I've finished my course, but I'd feel very cynical doing that, like I'd be saying 'thanks mate, I'm off now' when I got to the point where I could get away.

I've struggled with all this; for so long I thought that marriage meant for better for worse and if you had children you ALWAYS stayed together regardless. But I am dying inside and I know my girls need a happy mum. My husband won't accept that it's affecting them but I think it must be.

Talking to other people has been a real eye-opener. I've been surprised by the number of people who say they wish their parents HAD got divorced, and the number whose parents did, who are grateful that they did split and find happiness afterwards. It goes against the conventional wisdom and it's made me reassess my own views.

Out of curiosity, are your parents still together, or did they split when you all left?

They split after I had left, the other sibs were still at home.

I had just split with DS' father, who was very abusive. I was still very young and because my parents were so emotionally tied up with their own situation nobody realised I was hurtling towards a nervous breakdown.

I think my parents were much more ready to fight beacuse we were all technically adults and they offloaded on to us all the time.

I wished at the time that they woudld split, horrible I know, but the animosity drove me mad, I could not cope with it and still do not handle that kind of atmosphere well.

Since I had my DS and took a good look at the m,arriage in which I was effectively born in to, I decided that I will only ever be in the kind of relationship that I would be happy for my DS and subsequent children to be in, as they will learn from my example. Needless to say in my early to mid twenties, through the breakdown years I did not stick to that! But now I ask myself if I would be comfortable with my child, and hopefully eventually children being treated in the way that I am, and recent relationships have been much healthier, all through not very long term!