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Original poster

Does anyone sleep in a seperate bed from their DP?

34 replies

Ivortheengine8 · 13/07/2011 18:37

Up until recently usually one of us ended up on the sofa but we bought a new bed for the spare room a couple of weeks back. The main reason is DP's snoring, I just can't hack it especially being pregnant again and with a toddler, I really need my sleep. He doesn't seem to mind and I don't mind but it seems kind of odd. We don't do stuff that often, he has a very busy workload and often stays up late working etc and we both usually end up too tired to do much anyway.
I know its not the best solution for a married couple but is it weird?

OP posts:
backpassage · 13/07/2011 18:44

I was ending up on the sofa almost every night because of snoring, increasingly over the last few years. Now dh has a cpap gadget (it goes over his nose and keeps the airways open) and it has transformed our lives. He does not snore at all, ever, with it on so not only can we share a bed, we can stay with friends or in the same hotel room, which we couldn't before because I couldn't sleep at all with the snoring. Now we've got the gadget I cannot imagine not having it. Worth a try? Dh's is from the doctor so free.

HoneyNorwegianRidgebackdragon · 13/07/2011 18:45

Yup, been married 10 years soon and had separate rooms for 7 years. When ds was small and I was working nights and dh was doing days his snoring and noise got too much in the morning when he was getting ready for work. Neither of us are snuggly sleepers and we like our own space.

We're happy with it but do get Hmm looks if people find out, lots of people do this you are not alone Smile

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 13/07/2011 18:46

Oh interesting backpassage, I will definately look into that. Is it uncomfortable for him to wear?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 13/07/2011 18:47

Thanks Honey, I havent told anyone else either but if I did, I am sure we would get the same reaction. :)

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 13/07/2011 18:49

I can't remember when I last woke up with DH. Sad
He has diverticulitis and gets cramps every night so gets up and sleeps on the sofa.

backpassage · 13/07/2011 18:51

He says not. I tried it and it seems to work by blowing air in if the airways close at all. I hated it but he said he has just got used to it and always uses it even if I'm away for a bit and he lugs it to hotels for conferences. His sleep is so much better. He has a humidifier to stop his throat getting dry. He is a bit embarrassed about it because it doesn't look the greatest but since we sleep with the lights off and it's now all quiet, it sure doesn't bother me.

Before he had it I had kind of accepted the separate bedrooms thing, just because I could sleep better and didn't lie awake hating him all night that way. But now we can sleep together again, I'm glad he bit the bullet.

LITTLEGEEK · 13/07/2011 21:22

We are in separate rooms because we couldn't be bothered to dismantle DS 's cot when we realised it wouldn't fit through the door after we built it. I sleep in the bed next to DS and DH is in our bed in other room. It's fine for us and I will move back in once DS is a bit bigger but have to admit, I'm not looking forward to hear him snoring again. We argued a lot about it. So as it is, we're sleeping separate and loving it but I still 'visit' him iykwim Wink

maleview70 · 13/07/2011 22:47

My take on this is if you are both happy with it then there is nothing wrong with it.

It's only the views of others that make people start doubting what is right for them.

When you date, in the early stages it is quite normal to go back to your own home and bed so why not when you live with someone. It can actually keep the romantic side going!

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2011 22:50

yes me, though I would rather be in the same bed. Started out like you - his snoring and my being pregnant and not sleeping well. DS is now 6 months old and we are still in different rooms :( it doesn't feel right to me but I can't bear his snoring, I am co-sleeping and he has to go to work early in the mornings.

Knackeredmother · 13/07/2011 22:59

Seperate bedrooms 4 years ago when I was pregnant and snoring! Then co slept, then pregnant again, still co sleeping.
Dh is in the spare room with the dog and very happy! He gets a lot more sleep than me co sleeping/breastfeeding all night!
It's actually very common to have seperTe rooms and research shows tour quality of sleep is better too. Says NOTHING about the state of your relationship. I don't keep it quiet at all.

SingingSands · 13/07/2011 23:01

No, DH and I share the marital bed...

But I would love to have my own bed. As much as I love DH, his sleeping disturbs me - he doesn't snore but spreads out and I often end up being elbowed in the face, or waking up with his pillow half over on my pillow, no duvet, his leg thrown over me etc. I love it when he goes away with work and I can get into bed, and have a peaceful nights sleep. I hate snuggling, I get hot and sweaty and grumpy. I like my own space!

So if you are happy to sleep separately, then carry on, a good night's sleep is priceless, just try to make the effort to still "be married" otherwise you end up like housemates.

CandiceMariePratt · 13/07/2011 23:07

I have a lovely king size all to myself. I also couldn't stand the snoring and thrashing about so dh moved to the sofa. He now has his own room downstairs since we moved to a bigger house. It has been 11 years since we slept together and I would hate to have him back in with me.

clarlce · 13/07/2011 23:14

Separate bedrooms is a fantastic idea...total nonsense that it represents anything dysfunctional about the relationship. In fact id say that to remain sleeping with someone who disturbs your sleep for the sake of social convention is madness. We had separate rooms for a while and it was wonderful - like a little taste of being free and single each day, before you go to sleep and then to wake up without instantly being reminded of the fact you're responsible for anyone but yourself is bliss.

We now have a home-made bed that is pretty much as big as the room lol, there's usually a pillow between us and i wear ear-plugs. If he stays up late I insist he sleeps somewhere else so as not to disturb me. It is possible to maintain your identity within a relationship.

MumblingRagDoll · 13/07/2011 23:14

We often sleep seperately...about 3 times a week...he has night terrors and it's very disruptive. We like it! He gets more rest alone and so do I.

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome · 13/07/2011 23:30

Yes us. I've been co-sleeping and breastfeeding several children, DH has to be up really early to go to work. I like it - everyone gets a better nights sleep and any 'goings on' go on in his room (no wet patch for me, whoop) and we retire to separate beds. Win, win.

That said, I don't tell many people as you do get Hmm that look. It's been about 4 yrs and the divorce lawyers have yet to earn a penny from us so, for us, it hasn't caused any problems in our relationship, if anything it's made things easier as everyone is better rested.

WillPenn · 14/07/2011 01:57

DH and I are in the same room but we have separate single beds next to each other with a bedside table between them. Both of us HATE having someone else on the same mattress/under the same duvet and would never be able to fall asleep, or stay asleep, while snuggling. With our own beds we both get a decent night's sleep and if I wear ear plugs I am far enough away from him not to be woken by the snoring either.

backpassage · 14/07/2011 08:08

I have to agree to quite liking the bed to myself (unfortunately I got the sofa as no spare room) and certainly would not consider separate rooms to signify a problem in a relationship if both parties are happy enough with it and time/effort is still found for 'intimacy'. I always quite fancied the Bonham-Carter scenario of adjoining flats. Then you can pick and choose the best bits.

saffronwblue · 14/07/2011 10:01

DH and I have slept separately for years. He has bad snoring and is a late night potterer whereas I like to get to bed early.Throw in 2 DC's who were restless sleepers and none if us was coping. We started taking it in turns to go to the couch/spare room but he has totally colonised the spare room now with his clothes/books etc. I do feel weird about it as I miss the intimacy of sharing the space and chatting in the night etc but we still have romantic rendezvous and at least I get better sleep. He had a go with the mask/machine this year but just hated it. I am embarassed if it emerges in conversation or if someone wants to look around our house. At some level it makes me feel a bit less married, somehow, tbh.

Ephiny · 14/07/2011 10:27

Yes we usually do, don't think it's odd at all, it just makes sense as we both sleep better that way. It doesn't affect our relationship in a negative way, as we never had 'intimacy' in the middle of the night anyway!

MCDL · 14/07/2011 15:04

Yes we also sleep in seperate rooms due to snoring but both of us very happy with it. We go to bed often together but end up seperated. It works very well for us.

Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 14/07/2011 16:31

Thanks everyone, nice to see how balanced all your view are. I feel better already! :)

TBH we hardly ever go to bed at the same time anyway so that side of it wouldn't make much difference and I have slept so well since I moved out, he gets the double bed but I don't having a cosy single for now but when DC2 comes he will have to go in the single bed which is in the spare room and has our daughters cot in it so the baby can sleep in the main room with me. DD sleeps very well throughout the night anyway so she hasnt been disturbed at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivortheengine8 · 14/07/2011 16:32

Oh yes and I sometimes I swear he did it on purpose to get the bed to himself!

OP posts:
slug · 14/07/2011 16:57

I live in too small a flat for separate rooms DH is a horrid snorer.

In a previous life I lived with a boyfriend. We had separate rooms, partly because he was on the Aspergers spectrum and found intimacy difficult, and partly because we kept different hours. It was lovely. I had my own space. A place where I could close the door. Every night he came in to say goodnight. Sometimes he stayed for a quick kiss, other times it was the whole night. In the mornings I would get into bed with him for a quick cuddle and a listen to the radio before hauling myself up for work...or not.

For us it was a good way to run the relationship. In fact, it was a calm, lovely time of my life. Our relationship was sacrificed on the alter of my wanderlust in the end, though we are still to this day good friends.

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 14/07/2011 18:38

I think if more people were honest then they would admit to loving their own space in bed. When Himself and I started living apart 8 weeks ago I was convinced I would never sleep and would pine for his manly form (haha!) and I am pleased to say that I love it. All the space all the pillows no sweaty bodies mushing together in the night, so much so that I am a bit Hmm when the weekend rolls around and I know I will be sharing my bed! He could just pop in, do his thing and pop out (no pun intended!) and I can have the whole bed. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. If all parties are happy its no bugger elses business!

DrGruntFotter · 14/07/2011 18:48

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