Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My MIL doesn't like me or my oldest daughter :(

42 replies

WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 18:33

I can cope with her not liking me, but she makes it so bloody obvious she doesn't like our oldest daughter as well. DH takes all the kids there every few weeks for the day so I can get a day to myself - this is a happy arrangement with them, before anyone says 'no wonder she doesn't like you'. I know exactly why she doesn't like us and it's entirely her issue - nothing we've done wrong.

I'm just ranting really. Wish there was a way I could protect my DD from her grandmother's blatant and hurtful dislike of her :(

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 13/07/2011 18:33

Why can't you?

Sparkletastic · 13/07/2011 18:36

If it is that obvious don?t subject DD1 to her until it is addressed and resolved. Is DD1 not your DH?s child? What does he think?

MizzyTizzy · 13/07/2011 18:40

There is a way to protect your DD, either less contact or only supervised contact with MIL.

Original poster
WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 18:43

Magnificent - because the other DCs want to see her and also her Grandfather is great with her. Can't do one without the other IYSWIM

Sparkle - he feels the same as me. Sadly resigned to it.

Mizzy - we're going to try to do that, but she (MIL) gets the hump so easily and the other DCs love her and she is great with them, and, as I said to Magnificent, FIL is fab.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 13/07/2011 18:46

Why are you subjecting your dd to this when you yourself avoid it?

Tell her grandfather to come to you if he wants to see her.

Protect your dd from this abuse.

MizzyTizzy · 13/07/2011 18:51

In that case I'd make alternative arrangements for DD for some of the visits...somewhere where she will be appreciated...until MIL got used to the idea.

Sorry, but when it comes to DC's I think they should be the priority not the adults who are behaving like children.

OddBoots · 13/07/2011 18:52

I can understand how you feel trapped. But if your dd knows that she has the freedom to choose to go or to stay with you then she will have some security in that power and hopefully that will offset things a bit.

Original poster
WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 18:55

I agree with you all. It's just very shitty :( She's not abusive to her or anything, but is impatient with her and makes no effort to play with her. She gets the hump so easily, and my oldest is very introverted. Where as most mature adults don't take offence when kids are like that, my MIL does, and has done since DD was a baby Hmm Other three are so forthcoming.

I was wondering if I was being overprotective not wanting to force her to keep going there. Sounds like maybe I'm not.

OP posts:
MizzyTizzy · 13/07/2011 18:59

I don't think you are being overprotective...DC's pick up on all sorts of unsaid 'messages' at a very early age...and it can have a huge impact later on.

I also think that part of the crapiness of parenting is having to make difficult decisions on your DC's behalf...the easy option is just to 'play nice' and hope it gets better...it rarely does improve though.

Sparkletastic · 13/07/2011 19:03

Has anyone ever confronted her about it? Or spoken to FIL about how it makes you all feel?

Original poster
WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 19:04

That's really helpful, Mizzy. I think you're right. :( She definitely knows something's not right. She was determined not to go last time, even though she has a fab time with FIL. Bad atmosphere's are horrible, and she knows it's bad. Honestly, though, how can you take offence at children behaving like children? It's pathetic! Makes me angry, and sad. Silly woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 19:05

Sparkle - DH has thought about talking to FIL, but sometimes talking openly can just make everything much worse I think. She's not going to change, is she? She'll always be like she is - she's been like it all her life.

OP posts:
AnonymousBird · 13/07/2011 19:15

Did I miss your DD's age? Sorry, am speed reading a bit here but couldn't spot it.

Dozer · 13/07/2011 19:16

Agree with mizzy. Your DH should pull your mil up on her treating the kids differently and reduce the time mil spends with all the dcs until she can be nicer to dd.

Dozer · 13/07/2011 19:17

If this won't work, just do it quietly and make excuses.

ebbandflow · 13/07/2011 19:18

I have MIL problems and have found minimal contact is best for me. If you have the feeling that your MIL is hurting your daughter's feelings I would keep your DD at home with you, and just occasionally send her to her MIL. Also, I agree with you that your MIL sadly won't change.

Fairenuff · 13/07/2011 19:18

She definately won't change if she doesn't think she has to, that's for sure.

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2011 19:20

Can you tell us why she doesn't like you and why, specifically, she dislikes your daughter? Were you considered unsuitable? Did you get pregnant (gasp) before being married?

I wouldn't let her see any of them if she wasn't good to one of them, personally. I could not enjoy a day off whilst my daughter was there on sufferance.

EssentialFattyAcid · 13/07/2011 19:21

There is a way to protest your dd - give her the option to stay at home with you

EssentialFattyAcid · 13/07/2011 19:21

that should read "protect" your dd!!

Original poster
WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 19:21

She's 8, Bird.

Dozer - DH does pull her up on specific incidents, but it's a bit more 'hidden' than that, though. If he said 'you don't like DD' she'd just say 'yes I do, don't victimise me' or something along those lines.

Ebbandflow - I think that's what we'll have to do. But the others get a lot from being with them :( And, as I said, FIL is great.

Fairenuff - she won't change anyway. She treated DH and his brother differently too.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/07/2011 19:26

But presumably no-one has told her if you can play nicely, then you can't play at all? Not being patronising here and I'm sure you and your husband do what you can to handle this difficult situation but I would keep all the children away if she can't be nice to all of them.

If she wants to see them, she will have to treat ALL of them well.

If she can't see where she's going wrong, tell her.

If she can't/won't understand that's her problem tbh. Life's too short for these games. She needs to grow up or leave well alone (imo).

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2011 19:27

Just laughing at "don't victimise me." Surely the only people who'd say that are the people who victimise others.

Fairenuff · 13/07/2011 19:27

Also, your other DCs won't miss out because seeing her like that is bad for them, even if it's not directed at them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2011 19:34

"She definately won't change if she doesn't think she has to, that's for sure."
Fairenuff makes a good point.