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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My MIL doesn't like me or my oldest daughter :(

42 replies

WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 18:33

I can cope with her not liking me, but she makes it so bloody obvious she doesn't like our oldest daughter as well. DH takes all the kids there every few weeks for the day so I can get a day to myself - this is a happy arrangement with them, before anyone says 'no wonder she doesn't like you'. I know exactly why she doesn't like us and it's entirely her issue - nothing we've done wrong.

I'm just ranting really. Wish there was a way I could protect my DD from her grandmother's blatant and hurtful dislike of her :(

OP posts:

Original poster

WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 20:15

YY, Imperial. She certainly likes doing that! Passive aggressiveness personified!

Not sure if DH has ever said to her she should have treated him and his brother the same. I just don't know about tackling it out loud. I think there's a high chance it could ruin relations for ever, and we'd end up losing FIL too, potentially.

OP posts:

cerealqueen · 13/07/2011 20:26

I feel sorry for your DD, MIL sounds horrible. What happens if your other DDC pick up on it and think it OK behaviour?

Original poster

WhingingMum · 13/07/2011 20:32

trying to pretend that won't happen, cerealqueen. I don't want it to be like this :(

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/07/2011 21:31

I think that even though your other DC are treated fine by her and all of them by FIL, you cannot let your DD be treated any differently by any grandparent. I would stop the visits altogether. Perhaps your ILs could come to your house, where you have a bit more control, or perhaps you could go to their house, with your DH telling his DM that she shouldn't behave like this? If your DH and DC don't go at all, will FIL say anything to MIL as he will be missing out?

I think a line needs to be drawn now - all of us, or none of us. You cannot continue letting your DD be treated like this, nor can you allow your other DC to see your DD being treated like this. DC can definitely tell when other DC are being treated unfairly - they've got a very good sense of right and wrong!

I do wish you all luck with this. It's a very tricky situation. My DH does his DM's shopping every week now and usually takes one DC with him. I cannot remember the last time I went to her house. She never liked me - he was her favourite and I took him away from her. She doesn't like the way I do things or really anything about me. I do tolerate her. I have told DH to invite her here whenever he wants; I will always be polite. He hasn't bothered. The only time he has was when I suggested it. I know that isn't the same as your situation at all; it was the best way I could show you that I kind of know where you're coming from and that you have my sympathy.

Original poster

WhingingMum · 14/07/2011 07:39

Thanks, JudgeJudy. I think we'll definitely stop the visits there for now and will talk very seriously about talking to FIL about the situation.

OP posts:

Hufflepuzzpig · 14/07/2011 07:48

I agree you need to bring it up properly and issue an ultimatum.

CinnabarRed · 14/07/2011 11:08

Agree with Fairenuff - if your MIL can't treat all of your children equally then she gets to see none of them.

brass · 14/07/2011 11:08

MIL did this with DH and SIL. Then she started doing it to the grandchildren. We have little to do with them. Luckily she goes away alot to see SIL and that is the time we use to catch up with FIL who is sweet.

No you won't change her. But don't expose your children to her poison.

I can take personalities and odd blips but I think there are some lines which should never be crossed and if they are there is no going back. I had put up with all sorts from her over the years but I have to say I felt utterly resolved to discard her after her cavalier treatment of my children.

And bizarre petty things like SIL's kids would get all organic food bought in when they came and mine would get supermarket value brand. I had not even thought it possible for people to behave like this. No understanding whatsoever that someone could get off on differentiating in this way. Openly giving gifts to the other children (no particular occasion for gifts) whilst my DC looked on. There is nothing she could do or say now that would change my opinion of her after seeing this side of her.

We rub along for FIL and other elderly relatives but she literally has no place in our lives.

coccyx · 14/07/2011 11:14

She sounds awful. I would not let her see any of the children if this is how she behaves. Its not her right .
Your OH needs to say something, be strong, she is your daughter, I am sure you would not tolerate anyone else 'bullying' your daughter. She is an adult and should know better.

Kewcumber · 14/07/2011 11:26

Ot talk to your FIl and ask him to take your eldest out and do something nice with her separately. Tell him if your MIl cannot treat her nicely then that is the only remaining solution or no visits at all.

Because tbh - I doubt she;s going to change so your older DD needs to get more from him than the others do to balance it out.

ninedragons · 14/07/2011 11:34

It is damaging for your other DCs to see their sister picked on.

I would be teaching my DCs a lesson in solidarity and removing them all from MIL's sphere. Far, far more important that your DCs have a solid relationship with each other than some of them have a good relationship with their grandmother.

Flyonthewindscreen · 14/07/2011 12:18

What Ninedragons said, and also what will/does your DD think about you putting her into this situation where she is victimised? The relationships between your own family (you, DH, DC) are more important than those with GPs who cannot treat one of their GC properly (and surely FIL has an "onlooker" role in this?).

Miggsie · 14/07/2011 12:23

Is your eldest a teenager?
My granny was lovely to us when young then became a real viper as we got older. It was jealousy, she wanted to control us, which is easy when you are young, then as I became older I started to question her. She may well end up disliking all your children in the end, if she is inclined that way.

springydaffs · 15/07/2011 00:46

This might be a bit left-field but why don't you practise saying things like "look here you evil bitch" etc. ie addressing your MIL.

because it sounds like you're frightened of her. it sounds like everyone is frightened of her. But if everyone knows she is the aforementioned evil bitch but everyone is too frightened to say it/act it/admit it, maybe it will take you two (you and DH) to break the spell?

Just a thought. I'm not being as flippant as I sound. I too know what it's like to have a PIL everyone is frightened of.

springydaffs · 15/07/2011 00:49

I too know? sorry

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 00:58

How is your Dh's relationaship with his brother?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 15/07/2011 00:59

Spare a

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