Sorry.... its the good old porn issue again..... H waayyyyyy over reacted!

[SackAche]

Clearing out cupboards for moving. Found a Daily Sport placed lovingly on a shelf in a cupboard I don't look in very often. It was dated 3 weeks ago.... and it was a special edition with pages 1-28 of women with their waxed tanned arsed waving in the air.... and lots of tits being squeezed and licked.

I'm not a prude.... I actually sniggered at DH's pathetic attempt to hide it from me!

BUT our sex life is dire.... H goes off sex for sometimes 2 months at a time. Its caused/causing major problems. Its another example to me of how selfish he is.

Anyway... he comes in from work at 6.30pm, I've cooked a fab meal to celebrate his promotion. And I casually mentioned it and snurked a bit.

I DID NOT expect the reaction I got or I would have at least waiting until the kids were in bed.

He denied it feebly/ then said it was from years ago.... er sherlock, its a daily NEWSpaper. DUH!

Then I asked why he'd bought it. BIG mistake. He started shaking his head at me and asking why I was doing this (???)..... asking why I was trying to spoil a nice night..... shouted that it didn't matter and I was a lunatic for letting it get to me!

Then is snapped when I said "why you getting angry at me.... I didn't by a filthy newspaper and leave it for you to find".

He came right up to my face spitting "who the fuck you calling filthy". Yes the kids were there.

I said I couldn't believe he was turning this around so that he could be angry with me?!! I mean how the feck did THAT happen??

He said "Shove your meal up your arse, I'm out of here you fucking weirdo".

The stood in the kitchen drinking a can of lager whilst periodically calling me names.

I told him to get out or I was calling the police. He refused. I dialled the police. He got changed and left saying "Get to fuck you fat cow, I hate you, there's my keys."

Now does that go down as the over reaction of the year or what?

I've locked the door. No idea where he is, but he took about 12 cans with him. I think he drove.

Any advice folks??

NN - I definitely would've watied until the kids were in bed and we were having a wee drink. Then I would've brought it up more as a larf.

But I did try to. I was more angry at the fact he hadn't just read it and binned it! He hid in a cupboard FFS....WHY???? Was he having a swatch of it every night?

sackache, do you think his temper got worse BECAUSE you started to get yours under control? Like he's goading you to react more?

Somewhere in there, do you think he partly connects you two having firey arguments with a loving relationship? that now he think you don't react because you no longer care?

Not that any of this could be an excuse, he really needs anger management by the sounds of things. I can't believe it's been so difficult to get it

Philipat - It must be something like that. He really has taken over from me in the angry/irrational role! He behaves like I did when I had PND. Except he's not as low as I was all time..... and he certainly isn't suicidal.

He is depressed though. I've read enough about it and experienced it enough over the last 4 yrs to recognise it.

Fangache - really obvious suggestion here, but could you not both take a day's holiday or something to get counselling - daytime appointments don't have such a long wait I think. (sorry if that's really too obvious!)

Really sorry you're going through this.

Hmm, if he's used to you getting angry back, he may (unconsciously) see you getting angry as a sign you really care, a sign you're truly involved in the relationship and being open about your feelings.

You stopped getting angry - sensibly enough. But maybe he sees that as a sign you don't care, so he pushes and pushes when you fight, to try to make you lose your temper, so you can go back to how things were?

(I wouldn't discuss porn, or anything delicate in front of kids. DH wouldn't ever name-call, but I think he would be annoyed, and rightly so. Not that your timing justifies his response, but I'm just saying, it's not a good time or place for that sort of conversation.)

X-posted with phillipat, duh.

ok flamesuit donned

I'll bet you any money he feels like a total twat now. what he said was wrong but he may well have been scared and hurt.
familiarity breeds contempt and you humiliated him and he lashed out. wrong wrong wrong both of you are wrong

it is difficult to keep the frisson alive within family life.
and very easy to blame each other for a change in desire.
do you think for a moment he really enjoys getting off to the star. he probably feels deeply ashamed if he gets off this way, and you his soul mate instead of holding his hand and saying its ok I love you ridiculed him infront of his kids! Im not blaming you just trying to put a male perspective on it.
of course he's out of order for losing it but i think you seriously misjudged his shame and embarrassment in this instance
he probably needs to learn another way of expressing himself though.

Timing is the key to comedy

Carly - his sexual problems stem from well before me nevermind before kids. But he got help and things improved. But its still a major problem. He hates me for ever expressing that I'm unhappy about that side of things. So its a total slap in the chops that he's buying dirty mags!

I didn't bring it up in front of the kids. We were chatting in the kitchen and the kids were in the living room. They only came through when H started shouting at me. and

I understand my timing could've been better. But right now he'll be chatting away with his mate, getting pissed...... not a care in the world. THAT is pissing me off more.

Don't have any more wise words than's being written on here but wanted to leave you some words of support sacky.

Makes me so when men can blow up and then f* off out knowing that the kids will be ok, when can we do that?

Hope he comes in all apologetic tomorrow and you can work through it

(((((((hugs)))))))

thing is you girls have a support network for sex stuff blokes don't
consider for a moment not being able to ask for help from anyone you know for fear it will make you less of a man

sad I know but status is important

sorry about the in front of the kids remark I read that wrong.

I am saying he may be being childish because his reaction was anger and venom but it doesnt sound like he had any options left open to him (yes he needs to learn)
to a lot of men status is all important rob them of it at your peril

to clarify blokes do not honestly discuss sex as a matter of course, in the same way women do

Carlk - Status is a problem. I've always been the main earner and everything is in my name. We've bought a new house coz I got a nice payrise. He's always had a problem with this but has never admitted it.

BUT

As from yesterday he's earning a good wage coz he finished his management training! The meal I cooked tonight was a special mean in celebration of that.

Dick that he is.

RRRRIGHT! Need help here!

Have had no contact from him.... not even a text!

Do I just leave it and let him have his evening with his mate????

Or do I text him asking where the fuck is he since I don't actually know he's with his mate????

Or do I just send a text saying FUUUCCCCCKKKMK YOUOUUUOOUOUOUOUOUOUO!?

Help?

If you're concerned, you could always text asking if he's planning on coming home tonight as you are about to double lock the door. If he's coming home, you won't, but if he's not you need to know so that you can.

But I know he's not coming home tonight. Where ever he is.... I know he's drinking.

dw is the main earner in our family. but I'm good at stuff too
what does your partner bring to the relationship
if the problems have a history then what is his self esteem likely to be like

you earn more, you beat your depression you run your life so well.
In so many threads posters say they have low self esteem and they cant cope perhaps your partner feels this way but cant express it cos he is supposed to be the man.
simple beasts we are

Oh sackache - your husbands behaving like an imature arsehole. don't blame you at all for texting your friends. That's what women do when they need support and you didn't do anything wrong.

Is he physically violent towards you? Hate the thought of him standing there drinking a can of bear and calling you names. It's one thing to have a row and walk out but he sounds really agressive.

SA I'd leave it for tonight, I wouldn't text him you are still upset with him, and I don't think sending him an FU text is going to assuage your feelings....much.

I'd leave it. He's done this before, and you have a pretty good idea where he is/what he's doing. Don't do anything to continue the dialogue tonight. You're both upset, he's been drinking - probably alot - so the potential for further upset/conflict is great.

Go to bed soon and try to sleep, so that you won't be hung over, exhausted and grumpy when the kids wake early tomorrow morning.

Did you have plans for tomorrow? If I were you, I'd get up, get breakfast, and then go out and do something fun/special with the children. Make a day of it. Don't hang around the house getting angrier and angrier, waiting for him to call/come home.

Mollflanders - We've both been physically violent to each other in the past...... long ago. Please don't look at me as the innocent wife cowering from him. I've got a temper too. Its' just that I realised that and made an effort to change.... he hasn't. He's got worse.

I am dreading tomorrow. I want to go out and do something nice, but he's taken the car and I don't drive! HOWEVER.... I've done it before and I'll do it again. I know he's going to turn up quite early coz he'll bail out whenever his friends wife and kids get up.

Can you call a taxi to take you and the kids out tomorrow? Don't hang around waiting on him. He'll probably be in no fit state for a rational conversation, and both you and the kids don't need the tension of a ruined Sunday. Go do something fun, and try to have a laugh.

Gosh SackAche, just read this thread through and boy, do I empathise/sympathise!! My dh employs exactly the same tactics to deflect anything he doesn't want to hear. "I was having a lovely meal and now you have ruined it..." etc. We have a major problem (of his making) but I have never been allowed to have my say. A couple of gentle attempts to explain my feelings have resulted in 3-second explosive tantrums that have awoken the whole house. I was effecively silenced and he became the injured party, not me. My elderly mother lives with us as well as the kids and I can't live like that so I now keep my mouth shut.

This seems such a commom (male?) tactic and I don't know how to deal with it. If I cave in and say sorry, normal life is restored pretty quickly. If I stick to my guns I am subjected to 2 weeks of pathetic sulks. This doesn't happen very often because I have learnt to keep my mouth shut. However his tactics are short-sighted - I am storing all this up for the future....

Message withdrawn

Sackache.....just wondering how things are today....

Sackache - Hope today was alright. Give us an update please when you have a chance.