Sorry.... its the good old porn issue again..... H waayyyyyy over reacted!

[SackAche]

Clearing out cupboards for moving. Found a Daily Sport placed lovingly on a shelf in a cupboard I don't look in very often. It was dated 3 weeks ago.... and it was a special edition with pages 1-28 of women with their waxed tanned arsed waving in the air.... and lots of tits being squeezed and licked.

I'm not a prude.... I actually sniggered at DH's pathetic attempt to hide it from me!

BUT our sex life is dire.... H goes off sex for sometimes 2 months at a time. Its caused/causing major problems. Its another example to me of how selfish he is.

Anyway... he comes in from work at 6.30pm, I've cooked a fab meal to celebrate his promotion. And I casually mentioned it and snurked a bit.

I DID NOT expect the reaction I got or I would have at least waiting until the kids were in bed.

He denied it feebly/ then said it was from years ago.... er sherlock, its a daily NEWSpaper. DUH!

Then I asked why he'd bought it. BIG mistake. He started shaking his head at me and asking why I was doing this (???)..... asking why I was trying to spoil a nice night..... shouted that it didn't matter and I was a lunatic for letting it get to me!

Then is snapped when I said "why you getting angry at me.... I didn't by a filthy newspaper and leave it for you to find".

He came right up to my face spitting "who the fuck you calling filthy". Yes the kids were there.

I said I couldn't believe he was turning this around so that he could be angry with me?!! I mean how the feck did THAT happen??

He said "Shove your meal up your arse, I'm out of here you fucking weirdo".

The stood in the kitchen drinking a can of lager whilst periodically calling me names.

I told him to get out or I was calling the police. He refused. I dialled the police. He got changed and left saying "Get to fuck you fat cow, I hate you, there's my keys."

Now does that go down as the over reaction of the year or what?

I've locked the door. No idea where he is, but he took about 12 cans with him. I think he drove.

Any advice folks??

Message withdrawn

Earlybird - You're advice is great. I don't think having the meal would have mattered. Perhaps if he's had 5 cans before I addressed the issue then it would've been different. But it really is about the fact that he thinks its okay to talk to me like that. No matter how many times I've told him not to call me names..... he still resorts to that. Its playground shit.

I asked him to leave a few months ago. It was calm and civilised. We decided that he should move out until he's got something sorted in the way of counselling for his anger. We had to wait until he got his payrise so he could afford a flat. He got his payrise yesterday. Looks like its good to go. But How can I do this right before Christmas?????

If you don't, the anger could turn into violence.

why not before xmas? then if he behaves til then he can stay over xmas eve. good incentive

If christmas might end up a swearing match over the turkey then it wont be much of one.
He really needs to not speak to you like that.
Does he do it to anyone else? I doubt it.
Id ring him and ask him to come home and deal with it like an adult.
But you have got to make him understand that he cant speak to you like your a piece of shit.

Charlie - COMPLETELY relate to that! It's like he blows up sometimes just so he can go to the back door for a cigarette when we're having a perfectly calm discussion about our problems. He crosses the line so quickly these days. I put alot of it down to the stress he was under at work to finish his management training. But there is only so much 'understanding' I can dish out!

He wasn't particularly understanding toward me whilst I was in the depths of PND. Another thing I'm totally and utterly bitter about.

The Counsellors could write a book about us!

He'll be over the limit by now. He had a can before he left..... and took 12 with him. He can't come back tonight and he knows that. Hope he enjoys his fucking night in with his pal..... he can have plenty more of those.

He looks at porn, he blows up he goes out leaving you with the kids/house to sort out..
really make me
See if you can make it to the door quicker next time LOL

Oh Sackache.. that is shitty hon. Just crap. I really don't know how he could speak to you like that?? What a b***d! Sorry!

I don't know what to advise, but I am sure you know deep down what is best.

I know I could throw him out for good. It would be very hard in practical terms as he drives and I don't...... my work is Contractor basis his is very stable.

BUT...... HUGGGGGGGE BUT!

I know I'm not blameless..... I know I've said horrible things to him. But over the past year I have been trying soooooo hard. I probably used to resort to name-calling before him. But when we had a big chat about it and saw a Counsellor for our assessment appointment... I really changed. I have been trying so hard. I have honestly wanted to punch him so many times and call him names, but I haven't. Despite that.... he seems to have gotten worse!

Once again, it is not acceptable for him to speak to you in that way, under any circumstances. However, I think you can help the situation (and yourself and the children), by making a point not to aggravate the already over-sensitive situation. You are/were completely entitled to bring this up, but I suspect the "snurking" and use of the term "filthy" were interpreted by him as inflammatory and unfortunately/predictably he reacted very badly.

It does sound as if you both have some serious thinking to do about your future together. While you give yourself time to consider (and maybe do some counselling to learn some positive ways of communicating/relating to each other), it would probably be good to take a big, deep breath whenever you need to address a touchy subject.

Relationships are so hard. I've found that waiting a few hours/days to get my head/thoughts together on sensitive things is often a far better approach than simply blurting things out in the heat of the moment. Anger has it's place in a relationship, but there's a huge difference between healthy anger expressed in a "safe" way, and destructive anger that poisons a relationship. I struggle with that one, and if you'll forgive me being presumptuous, it sounds as if both of you do too.

Good luck. It's a tough situation, and I truly sympathise.

Yes I really think that language is just horrendous. I just don't think that is on. Ever. Especially as you didn't even have a go!

It seems that something has to change.

I have found that by saying right there and then...right this is bothering me...whats this all about...i cannot beleive you have just...bla bla bla AT THE TIME of it happening has helped me and dp.
It means Im not festering and he knows THERE AND THEN...good luck...

Ealrybird - You are trully wise.

Yes we both have 'issues' in that department. Its just that DH seems to be crossing lines now. Getting REALLY angry. He threw a book at me the other day! It missed but smashed a vase. Afterwards he acted like it was my fault for making him throw it! He eventually apologised.

Please don't get me wrong.... I'm not the sad little victim here. If I didn't realise that previously I had probably had a more vicious tongue than him then there wouldn't be a question about whether he stays!

But I'm concerned he is the monster Ive created IYSWIM?

Must also admit that when I had postnatal depression I did hit him on many occasions. >ashamed< Sometimes I couldn't even remember doing it!

That was a long time ago now though.... but we've never really dealt with the whole PND issues.

Aaah sackache..so sorry.

Just sounds so so upsetting the whole thing.
I can imagine you feeling all shaky and sick.

Really hope you resolve it.fwiw,I don't think it's a good idea to involve other people at this stage (despite it being understandably tempting). It is between the two of you and only the two of you can sort it out.

MD

XX

Oh the book throwing... 'domestic abuse, there's no excuse.'

I know it is not abuse but the fact that he tried to blame you is out of order!

Sackache. you asked for advice and I gave you some. Dont go texting or speaking to all your friends about the way he treats you and then stay with him. It is very difficult for your friends to continue on friendly terms with him or family for that matter when they hear all about this. I was not being sarcastic in my reply and didnt expect a sarcastic reply from you. In my opinion any man that can call you names whether in the midst of an argument or not and raise his voice to you, whilst there are children present and then piss off leaving you with the children should not be given chances or respect.Thre is only one word for him WANKER.

MD - Thanks. The gin is aiding the shaky sick feeling.
Boy am I glad I got a new home PC last week! If it wasn't for MN I'd probably be going off my head right now!

Weesaidie - I know. We've always both had fiery tempers though. Its just that mine calmed down a year or so ago.... DH's got worse!

If I didn't know any better I'd think HE had PND after dd was born.

Hmmm... so tough really. I would tell him to shape up or ship out I think, but MD is right, it's your decision.

BSG - I hear what you're saying.. .I just didn't think it very nice to make me feel ashamed about this.
I texted MY friends..... not his. He never sees them and to be honest I know as much about their situations too. We're all very open about things. And that really helps me.

Neither of the 2 friends I've spoken to about it tonight have been entirely on my side. They both said he was bang out of order by the way reacted but it was definitely major embarassment that caused it.

Don't drink too much (sorry to sound like your great aunt) though.
Keep talking-it's better for you.

Sackache - thanks for the kind words, but as I said before, it's much easier to be wise from the outside as an observer. IMO, it's much harder to be in the thick of things trying to find the right path.

FWIW, I doubt he's the monster you've created. It may simply be, at this point, that you're bringing out the worst in each other. I really encourage you to make counselling an immediate and urgent priority.

Thanks EB and MD. As for the drinking.... I'll only drink enough to numb the pain tonight! I won't be bladdered.

SA- if you could re-run tonight, what would you change about the way you handled it?

I personally wouldnt even bother to mention the daily sport. Merely note it.