Sorry.... its the good old porn issue again..... H waayyyyyy over reacted!

[SackAche]

Clearing out cupboards for moving. Found a Daily Sport placed lovingly on a shelf in a cupboard I don't look in very often. It was dated 3 weeks ago.... and it was a special edition with pages 1-28 of women with their waxed tanned arsed waving in the air.... and lots of tits being squeezed and licked.

I'm not a prude.... I actually sniggered at DH's pathetic attempt to hide it from me!

BUT our sex life is dire.... H goes off sex for sometimes 2 months at a time. Its caused/causing major problems. Its another example to me of how selfish he is.

Anyway... he comes in from work at 6.30pm, I've cooked a fab meal to celebrate his promotion. And I casually mentioned it and snurked a bit.

I DID NOT expect the reaction I got or I would have at least waiting until the kids were in bed.

He denied it feebly/ then said it was from years ago.... er sherlock, its a daily NEWSpaper. DUH!

Then I asked why he'd bought it. BIG mistake. He started shaking his head at me and asking why I was doing this (???)..... asking why I was trying to spoil a nice night..... shouted that it didn't matter and I was a lunatic for letting it get to me!

Then is snapped when I said "why you getting angry at me.... I didn't by a filthy newspaper and leave it for you to find".

He came right up to my face spitting "who the fuck you calling filthy". Yes the kids were there.

I said I couldn't believe he was turning this around so that he could be angry with me?!! I mean how the feck did THAT happen??

He said "Shove your meal up your arse, I'm out of here you fucking weirdo".

The stood in the kitchen drinking a can of lager whilst periodically calling me names.

I told him to get out or I was calling the police. He refused. I dialled the police. He got changed and left saying "Get to fuck you fat cow, I hate you, there's my keys."

Now does that go down as the over reaction of the year or what?

I've locked the door. No idea where he is, but he took about 12 cans with him. I think he drove.

Any advice folks??

SA - Can you agree to keep a cool respect between you both?

Hmmm.....perhaps you would have gotten a more reasonable reaction if you had approached him differently.

Obviously, there is the issue of a poor sex life (temporarily at least), and that can't be easy for either of you. And, I'm sure it was not a nice feeling for you to find the paper. But, I do think you might have got a different reaction if you had brought it up neutrally, or from an angle of concern/hurt, etc. I don't imagine you were ever going to get a reasonable reaction if you brought it up and "snurked". No one likes to feel that they're being laughed at or ridiculed. Also hope the texting you've done to your mates is simply one of concern for his whereabouts and well being without details of why you've fallen out with him.

BTW - please feel free to ignore the post, because as a single woman, I'm certainly not in a position to be offering relationship advice!

Dior - I snurked.... as in I tried to keep it light hearted.... make a wee joke about his choice of reading material. I didn't see that as a lack of respect! I sat all day wondering about how I could ask him about it without causing what happened anyway!

Sorry, thought you 'snurked' in a 'you sad git' way...

Either way, do you think you could have approached him differently to get a better response?

Earlybird - I have spoke to my best friend about it already! She phoned me when she got the text.

Concern for his whereabouts??????? EH NAW! Hope he doesn't come back tonight.

He can't speak to me like that and expect me to show him respect??????? I am on a different planet at the moment?

JG - I am just saying what I would do in this situation. Report him for drink driving, total humilation and the if she really wants to save the relationship barter until he realises that he can not behave the way he does it is unacceptable.

My own dh used to have a vile temper and would make me fell small and useless, so I informed everyone how badly he was treating me and they all either blanked him or had a right go at him. I threw him out for 6 months he got the councilling he needed nad things are now amazing.

Do you see a future with him at all? If not, what are your next plans?

I think I would be too embarrised (sp) to text all my friends and tell them how he treated me and then continue to stay with him. It would make me look stupid not him. He gets to treat you like this and you stay.

Message withdrawn

do you BOTH really want this to work? Have you ever been able to have a civil conversation with him about it?

fwiw dp has a whole load of porn mags, and I am pretty sure if i had a look on this computer i would find more.. i don't have a problem with it at all.. but then it isn['t affecting our sex life..

do you think he is embarassed about it? or just angry that you brought it up before dinner etc etc?

Is he willing to see the counsellor or just going along because you want him to?

Tegan - That sounds like the only thing that will work for him. Its honestly like using the naughty step on a child!!!! He throws tantrums that cross a line. Leaving in the middle of nowhere in the dark.... 8miles from home with no money....... THAT was crossing a line. He told me it was my own fault... he didn't leave me there.... I CHOSE to be left there.

OMG I'm getting angrier as I type!!! Think I'll phone his Mum. ... make her proud of her boy.

am glad it worked out for you like that tegan, my x is as vile as ever and everyone knows how he behaved, it made no difference at all.

sackache, i hope you can sort it out but sometimes its better to call it a day before things get any worse. if he cant make an effort for longer than a few weeks it doesnt really show that he is trying

Leaving you in the dark, in the middle of nowhere is definitely 'Unreasonable Behaviour'. Do you want to stay with him? If not, divorce him.

He WANTS to see a counsellor. He fully admits he has a problem. He's been to the GP before about our (his) sex issues.

Its nothing to do with the porn.... it was his reaction to me! Like it was my fault.

It was definitely sheer embarassment.

BSG - Thanks for that pearl of wisdom.... that was weet of you, and constructive. >sarcasm<
I can't leave..... its my house... MY everything!

I wouldn't call his mum. I know you are fuming with him right now... i would be too...

but, if you do really want to make this work then don't make the situation worse... don't involve other people. it isn't fair on any of you.

is there any chance he could see the gp about getting some anger management while you wait for the appt for the counsellor? or any way of hurrying the appt up?
i presume paying for a private consultaion is out of the question?

Hi Sackache, do you think his behaviour is worse at the moment becuase of the stresses of the up and coming move

if you want to stay with him, could you stay with him but not live together, then build up to it slowly if he behaves himself? he needs to realise that his problem is likely to be the end of your marriage, acknowledging he has a problem with sex isnt the same. splitting completely may not work cos then you have 'given up' on him (which you have every right to do) - encouragement with rewards often help more than the naughty step approach

Message withdrawn

Can't offer any constuctive advice but hope you sort things out [[[[hugs]]

Up until you mentioned the porn has he been ok, making an effort etc etc?
My dp reacts in much the same way and I end up saying Er hhelllooooo why are you trying to turn this into something to do with me.

I'm not really going to call his Mum..... how embarassing would that be! I was just venting anger.
I pplucked up the courage to check if the car was there and it isn't. He's definitelt not going to come back tonight. He will be at his friends house getting bladdered.

He'll turn up tomorrow morning with his tail between his legs.... whether he's sorry is another matter. I really believe he will convince himself that I was bang out of order saying the paper was filthy.

He does love me. I know he does. He never had any experience in a relationship until he met me..... and he had absolutely NO stress control in him at all.

The move isn't stressing him out coz he's not dealing with any of it. Its purely embarassment, plain and simple.

I had such a nice evening planned..... I really wasn't going to make a big deal out of this. He did.

Don't really know what to do now. I'm dreading tomorrow.

Well - he was completely out of order to call you those names/speak to you in that way at all - and especially in front of the children. That has now created a whole other issue in addition to the lack of emotional/physical intimacy in your relationship.

But again, do you think it would have made a difference to his reaction if you had both enjoyed the lovely meal you made, and then brought up the porn/lack of sex issue at some point later (without the children around) in a sensitive/concerned/loving way?

If you both know that you need/want counselling (and it's on the horizon), perhaps it would be better to go into a holding pattern and not even try to address things until you've got some professional guidance/perspective to help you begin to resolve some issues in a constructive way.

Charliecat (love the name ) - That was exactly what I said to him. He started shouting. When I said the word 'filthy' he just got that into his head and nothing else mattered. It was like a red mist. He just kept pacing about saying "calling me fucking filthy.... who do you think you are". After that.... he wouldn't listen to anything I had to say.

Apart from the fact he did know you were going to find the porn im wondering whether the blow up and out the door was going to happen anyway...some blokes do flip the lid over something silly just so they can strop out the door for a beer instead of being adult about it and saying Im nipping round to X y Zs tonight...food for thought...

i agree with earlybird!
think you need to have a really serious chat with him tomorrow when he comes back.