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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

texts from another woman.

45 replies

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 14:26

I was next to my husbands phone when a message came up from a woman talking about meeting for another drink.
I was a bit worried by this so looked on his phone i couldn't see any more messages from her but he had left a reply in his sent messages and he called her babes.
I asked him about this and he said he didn't have to justify himself to me etc etc she was someone he had worked with , i turned it round and said had it of been me he wouldn't have been happy and he said yes i know.
He then started ranting on saying i was mental and that was it !
I don't really know anymore than i did before but later on i looked at the phone again and all the messages had been deleated .
Am i over reacting , he seems very familiar calling her babes?

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 14:29

Unacceptable! He's up to something. And yes he does have to justify himself to you as you are in a relationship.
Any other signs that he may be straying?

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 14:36

There was a text from her before when she was at the airport ! I asked but didn't really get an answer, as i was pregnant with our 3rd child at the time i just let it go.
No there are no other signs of cheating but then i had no idea they were meeting for drinks!
He has a job that means he's travelling to different places so nobody really knows where he is if hes not in the office so i suppose it could be easy.

OP posts:

Yeni · 04/07/2011 14:36

If there was nothing to hide he wouldn't have been so defensive. Try to gather more evidence before you confront him again.

thesunshinesbrightly · 04/07/2011 14:53

I agree with Yeni.

Yeni · 04/07/2011 14:56

How long ago was the text from the airport?

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 15:00

How long ago was the text from the airport?

It was the year before last.

OP posts:

Yeni · 04/07/2011 15:04

Have you noticed a change in your relationship in the last 2 or 3 years? Does he criticise you more than before, or start arguments? Is he more irritable than he used to be?

Proudnscary · 04/07/2011 17:10

I don't think this looks good to be honest. His reaction is almost more telling than the text. Definitely wait to have more evidence before you confront as he will deny, deny, deny.
What did he tell you other than 'she's a colleague'? Have you met her??

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 17:13

We have had a rough couple of years , i fell pregnant with our 3rd by accident and he wasn't happy although loves her to death now shes here.
We have work to do on the house whch causes issues , he finds the kids difficult as the other 2 are close in age .
He is quite snappy with me and we do argue a fair bit , god this doesnt sound too good.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/07/2011 17:21

I am afraid it sounds like he is having an affair - can you check his email account, credit cards etc to see if you can find more evidence? Or see if you can get hold of his phone while he is asleep?

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 17:37

I have checked his phone again but the messages were deleated and as there was only that message i'm presuming that if anything is going on he's deleating them straight away.
I looked at his email and nothing there , he says they no longer work together so perhaps they email from his works account which i don't have access to.
I will look at his bank statement if i can but its all online now so i will have to try and find out the passwords etc.
If he was having an affair would he still be wanting sex with me ? that hasn't changed .

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 17:43

Yes, mine did! Perhaps you should just confront him, ask straight out. When's he due home?
We're here for you!
Good luck!
Keep posting!

matthew2002smum · 04/07/2011 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 17:57

Well after asking him straight out the other day and not getting anywhere , hes obviously not going to tell me.
I'm not happy about him meeting up with her and calling her babes and i will tell him that again.
I'm going to have to get a look at the bank statement and try to get into his work email is there anything else ?
Thanks for your help.

OP posts:

Yeni · 04/07/2011 18:07

Check the mileage on his car to see if it tallies with where he says he is.

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 18:40

He said that they used to work together and she went away for a while hence the airport text , now she's back and doesn't work there anymore.
No i haven't met her.

OP posts:

DollyTwat · 04/07/2011 18:43

Can you remember her name?
Change her number to yours and see what he texts

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/07/2011 20:31

Have you got a computer/laptop that you both use? If so, check out the internet history - this is how I found how my H had a secret hotmail email account (we use a different email provider). Egg also came up so that was how I found out about H's secret credit card.

Also install Google Desktop - its powerful stuff if you type in a particular name/word etc and will search the whole computer including cookies/websites visited.

Another tip is to visit www.pipl.com and type in your H's name to see what it comes up with.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 04/07/2011 20:50

what phone has he got? For a couple of hundred quid you can buy software to easily install on even sophisticated smart phones which record every text message both incoming and outgoing.

Another way of knowing for sure is to install a keylogger on his computer

pearce · 04/07/2011 22:06

Does he get an itemised phone bill? I went through my ex's and discovered various messages and phone calls to a certain woman's number. The idea suggested above of manually changing her number on his phone to yours I think is clever!!

snoopdogg · 04/07/2011 22:35

umm, also, people also often delete messages but forget to delete their call log or message counter which gives details of the numbers called/message recipients, yep, been there

mrscynical · 05/07/2011 07:00

Agree with his reaction being more than worrying. In my book the minute a man tells you you're 'mental', 'off your rocker', 'fucking loony' etc. etc. then he's guilty.

If it was innocent he would just explain who she is, what working relationship they have. Surely that is what you would do if a male work colleague had sent you a text. Could you imagine an innocent, work-related text coming in on your phone and your other half questioning it? Would your reaction be to call him totally mental and then refuse to discuss it? No, of course not.

Been there thanks.

brokenlady · 05/07/2011 07:40

I was suspicious about H texting and when I confronted him I got the same angry response as you and was told that I was going insane. 2 months later, I found a second phone, discovered secret email accounts and the whole thing imploded. You need to get to the bottom of this.

Original poster

doesntcallmebabes · 05/07/2011 07:58

Thanks there has been some great suggestions , you are a devious lot!!
I like the idea of changing her number to mine , what happens if she texts him though ,would she be just a number ?
His phone is from work so he doesn't get a bill , also worryingly he does delete the history from his laptop but i do know he looks at porn on it so maybe thats why.
We have seperate pc's as i have a works laptop if i installed any of the above programs would he be able to tell?
Also he has accused me of all sorts over the years , now i'm wondering if it was because he was up to no good?
I shouldn't have said anything the other day but i'm not the kind of person that can just do that!

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 05/07/2011 08:06

Try installing Google desktop (its free) non his laptop - it will bring up supposedly deleted history when you do a search. Practice this on your laptop so that you can see how it works.

If you edit OW's number to yours (but keep the OW's name) then it should work.

We've had to be devious - sadly cheating Hs will often lie and lie until confronted with hard evidence.

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