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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

texts from another woman.

45 replies

doesntcallmebabes · 04/07/2011 14:26

I was next to my husbands phone when a message came up from a woman talking about meeting for another drink.
I was a bit worried by this so looked on his phone i couldn't see any more messages from her but he had left a reply in his sent messages and he called her babes.
I asked him about this and he said he didn't have to justify himself to me etc etc she was someone he had worked with , i turned it round and said had it of been me he wouldn't have been happy and he said yes i know.
He then started ranting on saying i was mental and that was it !
I don't really know anymore than i did before but later on i looked at the phone again and all the messages had been deleated .
Am i over reacting , he seems very familiar calling her babes?

OP posts:
kaluki · 05/07/2011 10:14

His reaction speaks volumes imo.
When DP and I first met he used to text his ex girlfriend quite a lot. They were still friends. I was paranoid and read some of his texts (I do have a bit of history of cheating exes and I wasn't taking any chances!). They were flirty enough to make me feel uncomfortable, so I confronted him. He was mortified that he had upset me, he texted her in front of me telling her it was time to cut the ties as it wasn't fair on me and deleted her number. She replied "fair enough lol" and that was the end of it.
If he'd called me mental he would have been history.

windsorTides · 05/07/2011 11:42

The sooner women realise that men who secretly use porn are much more likely to be unfaithful, the better.

This man is having an affair, OP. It's as obvious as it can be. All the time you are agonising about getting proof, you are understandably hiding away from the bigger question.

Which is - what are you going to do about it?

You might never get proof, but does it matter? You know he is having an affair, he knows he's having an affair and everyone here thinks he's having an affair.

Decide what you want to do with that knowledge and take back your power.

kaluki · 05/07/2011 12:14

What has porn got to do with it? Or am I missing something.
With respect Windsor, I think that is a very judgemental sweeping statement and not very helpful to the OP either.

windsorTides · 05/07/2011 12:48

The OP said this in her last post:

"worryingly he does delete the history from his laptop but i do know he looks at porn on it so maybe thats why"

Not a sweeping statement. There is substantial and credible research to prove that a secret porn habit increases the risk of infidelity.

elastamum · 05/07/2011 12:50

Hate to say it, but he sounds just like my ex who had serial affairs. It will be difficult for you to get proof , but all the signs are there

NeonGolden · 05/07/2011 19:59

Sorry to get a little off topic, but WindsorTides, SERIOUSLY?

What if they do not 'secretly' use porn then? Or is it a gurantee that if they look at porn, they will cheat? Guess there's no hope for 99% of men then...

MadAboutHotChoc · 05/07/2011 21:37

Yes there is supposed to be a link between secret porn use and infidelity - much easier for the H to give himself permission to have an affair when he's already got secrets. This is what happened in my case ...

Aislingorla · 05/07/2011 21:55

Mine too.

NeonGolden · 05/07/2011 22:24

Ok, I could kind of understand that. But I think you need to look at it from another angle. If that's partly the cause of someone cheating, the 'secret-keeping' only points to the fact that there might not be much openness in the relationship to start with. I'm definitely not trying to blame the woman, I just mean that if you don't talk that much and are open about your sexual habits/feelings, it's probably harder to talk about other aspects of your relationship as well. (And that goes both ways!) So it probably has less to do with porn in itself, than with a relationship with not enough communication...

Not saying this is the truth btw, just another angle

NeonGolden · 05/07/2011 22:26

aren't*, sorry!

windsorTides · 05/07/2011 23:53

No, I don't think it's that simple NeonGolden. Plus there is no published evidence that 99% of men currently use porn. In all the surveys that have been completed, the percentages of males who have used/been exposed to porn at some time in their lives is undoubtedly high (because society expects it of them) but lots of intelligent, evolved men reject it later, especially those who realise its provenance.

The research also makes the distinction between secret porn use and that which is used with the full knowledge and acceptance of a partner. But here it gets a bit murky - lots of people within this category seem to know their partner uses porn, but very rarely do they know the extremity of the porn accessed - or how frequent the use. Still more either don't know, or don't want to know.

It's more complex than a lack of communication and sharing of fantasies. What often happens is that an addiction takes hold, the porn accessed needs to become more extreme to provide the "hit" and often the user becomes totally de-sensitised to sex within a relationship where there is mutual respect and dignity. Instead, the user gets used to seeing women demeaned and objectified. Very often, the associated masturbation is preferred to RL sex with a partner, or when sex happens it becomes more brutal/pornified - and commensurately less appealing to a partner, who is then accused of "not wanting sex". Some women believe this about themselves too....

Cumulatively, what happens then is that secrets, lies, manipulation and misogyny pervade the relationship and where I think you are right is - there is no sexual or emotional honesty.

When the opportunity to practise some of these porn fantasies arises with a real-life partner, it really isn't so much of a barrier to cross. The "fix" just becomes more extreme and the secrets, bigger. Tellingly, the porn use doesn't stop either - countering another myth that men use porn when their sexual needs are not being met or their fantasies are not realised.

I remember reading a interesting finding though - the third party is rarely someone with whom the man wants a full-time, long-term relationship; more a case of "she'll do"....so again, a pretty deep- rooted disrespect for women.

Lots of couples find that it's impossible to rebuild a relationship after infidelity while porn is still a spectre.

conquita · 06/07/2011 00:56

This happened to me. My ex was seeing someone else, I read the text messages on his phone, he denied everything. But because of my reaction this meant he always kept his phone on him and if I checked it secretly when he was asleep I would find he had deleted all the text messages and sent messages also. He is now married to the woman I knew he was having the affair with. He also travelled away with work alot. The last 5 years of our relationship was lies. Do not let him play any mind games with you, ie - you are paranoid, they try that to turn it around to you causing the issues, not them. I hope you can remain strong.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/07/2011 05:45

OP, let's put aside the cheating for a second. Your husband rants at you and calls you mental when you ask him something that bothers you? He has, in the past, 'accused you of all sorts'. He gets snappy with you, you argue a lot, he finds the kids difficult...

This doesn't sound like a very nice man to be with in general, does it?

doesntcallmebabes · 06/07/2011 09:51

No he is not very nice to be around to be honest.
I have been thinking for a while about splitting but at the moment we have a half finished house, i can't afford to leave and if he goes the work won't get done.
He does spend time with the kids but does find them hard work.
As daft as it sounds it's not the cheating i'm bothered about but the fact he won't admit it , if he admitted it and left i wouldn't care.
After the summer when all the works done i'm going to have to discuss splitting , at least then we can sell up.
I really wanted to catch him redhanded as it would have been easier that way.
Thanks for all advice.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 06/07/2011 10:01

Good luck !
Keep posting !
(I do think you should confront him ASAP, but it's up tp you)

DariusVassell · 06/07/2011 10:02

I'm confused.

What did you expect to happen then, if you'd caught him red-handed?

If you threw him out, you would still have been left with an unsaleable house, wouldn't you?
Or if he took that as his chance to leave, the same would have applied?

If you're going to stay put for a while anyway, what outcome were you anticipating then? Confused

doesntcallmebabes · 06/07/2011 12:43

I have asked him a few times since i read the text and he has told me it's someone he used to work with ,she went away for a while and is now back .
He says they met for a drink to catch up and that's it , he didn't say why he was calling her babes .
It has taken me a few goes to get this information and at first he was very angry so i'm not sure if this is it, i'm going to change her number to mine when i get hold of his phone so i can know for sure.
If i would have caught him red handed , i would have had a valid reason to ask him to leave and would have got someone in to finish off the work without extending like he wants to do.

OP posts:
DariusVassell · 06/07/2011 13:26

But you HAVE got a valid reason to ask him to leave, haven't you? You're unhappy in this relationship and his behaviour is unreasonable. Just one of those is a reason in itself.

I don't want to harangue you about this, just genuinely trying to understand...

Why couldn't you end the relationship and get someone in to do the work anyway?

doesntcallmebabes · 06/07/2011 13:46

I have mentioned splitting before and he won't leave basically , i don't think he's very happy himself but seems to want to continue like this.
We don't do anything together or hardly speak , on an evening he will go on pc i will watch tv .
Perhaps i'm not been very clear , we have lots of issues and i'm in counselling trying to fathem it all out.!

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 06/07/2011 14:19

Of course he does not want to leave yet (maybe OW isn't ready?) and in the meantime he still gets his washing done, his meals cooked, enjoys his home comforts etc.

I think the mental torture you must be going through can't be healthy - you can't keep waiting and watching so maybe you should see the CAB for legal advice.

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