Is this domestic violence?

[isthisDV]

Please be gentle with me.

My 25 yr old son still lives at home with me and DH. He is looking for a flat in a city nearby but will not consider renting more locally to us due to commuting costs on top of rental costs. He is not paying us anything. I wanted him to, but DH said if he could save it would make it quicker for him to leave . My suggestion was that he contributed to chores instead. DS ignores me asking and DH never asks or follows through.

DS and me have always argued but it's not getting any better.

When we row, usually over me not having the kind of food in the house he wants, ( yeah, I know) he becomes abusive. Yesterday he ate a sticky toffee pudding for breakfast ( had a friend staying over), fish cakes for lunch ( bought for him) and at 4pm started moaning there was "nothing to eat" in house. ( cupboards full of beans, pasta, pasta sauces, eggs etc etc.) and dinner due at 7pm anyway.

He slammed the kitchen door in my face and would not let me in ( he's 12 stone and athletic- does weights- I am 8 st.) he then belittles me saying I am a fool etc etc.

On other occasions he has followed me round the house when i try to walk away from arguments and sticks his foot in the doorway so I can't close it on him, or he intentionally fills the doorway with his bulk so I have to squeeze past him, or ask him to move.

He is then very good at trying to drive a wedge between me and DH by saying "She ( that's me) said xyz...isn't she a fool etc etc." And he simply denies his part in any rows saying it was me who started them, me being unrreasonable etc etc.

DH tells him he's in the wrong, but 2 hours later they are chatting like old mates and I am still sitting fuming or crying upstairs.

I have asked DH numerous times to give DS an ultimatum to leave and live anywhere. He refuses saying it is unworkable in practice- if he gives a deadline and DS has not found anywhere- then what? He will not put him out on the streets. I don't want that either but I can't carry on like this .

I can't see the wood for the trees but my over riding feeling is that DH is not giving me the support he should.

I can see that as underneath his anger I think he has always been crying out for attention and love- but going about it the wrong way- ie as a child he was naughty - in order to get my attention away from his sister. What he did get was rejection.

I'd agree with what most posters are saying that you need to be firm and stand up to your son. His behaviour is unacceptable but perhaps you weren't able to give him the attention or treatment he needed when he was younger. It may be, with the ADHD, his problems were far too much for you to cope with. All those years ago, what was known about ADHD at all anyway?

HOWEVER. Just because he's slipped into bad behaviour doesn't mean the bond can't be rebuilt. Bear in mind that he will be suffering strong 'rejection' feelings which are probably what are making him so desperately angry and abusive. Everybody wants their Mum, even the most destructive despicable children want their Mummy.

I don't know what to suggest other than to read books about rebuilding relationships and seeing a counsellor. Also, buy that Beverly Engel book which defines very clearly what is and what is not abusive behaviour. Try to make sure he reads and understands this before he goes out in to the wider world. Then you will have done your duty as a parent and can ask him to leave with a clear conscience. I do believe you feel guilt about what you said above, and you need to deal with that. You did your best at the time, that's what we all do, and all we can do.