Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

not accepted by his family

37 replies

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 13:59

Im having a bit of a difficulty with my dp. He was married for almost 20 years and is now separated and dating myself. When I met him I did not know he was married and when I found out I told him that I didnt date married men. He subsequently separated (albeit he was staying in the annex to the marital home due to financial difficulties etc). for a few months but was separted as in his family were told, her family/friends etc. He now has an apartment and our relationship is going from strength to strenght.

My issue is that I seem to be getting the cold shoulder from his family. We were out having a drink last nite and one of his sisters arrived in. This was my first time meeting her and I tried to be as friendly as I could, offered a drink etc etc, she was quite cool with me and I basically chatted to one of her friends while she talked to my boyfriend. She seemed to object to the fact that he had left his ex and was continually asking him if he was dating me while still with his ex. He explained to her that he was separated and had been for a year now, had lived in the annex until financially he was able to move out and now he had. She was so rude to me and honestly it angered me so much. I bit my tongue and said nothing but I wonder if its constantly going to be this way with his family.

What I should mention is that her husband had an affair and left, something I dont think she has ever gotten over. Should I have challenged her last nite when I overheard her talking about myself/dp relationship or was I right to say nothing.

OP posts:

FingandJeffing · 03/07/2011 14:04

You should tread carefully it's difficult but she will have known her sil for 20 years of course she feels conflicted. I think you are just going to have to suck it up for a while. Does he have children?

pooka · 03/07/2011 14:07

So you found out he was a married man, but carried on seeing him? Why would you do that - leaving aside the complexities of his relationship with his wife and family, he obviously LIED to YOU either directly or by omission. He sounds pretty untrustworthy to me.

In terms of your relationship with his family - I can see where they're coming from. They obviousy haeve known his wife for 20 years. Hell of a jump to embrace you I reckon. And unfair that you will no doubt be blamed despite you saying that you didn't think he was married. But as far as they are concerned I expect they see you as having contributed to the break up of a longstanding marriage and a stable family. Hard work ahead if you think he's worthy of a relationship.

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:10

no she doesnt, she is actually close to me in age and I would have hoped I had alot in common with her.

I said nothing and in hindsight it was probably the best way to behave but it angered me so much. It was like she had already decided that I was some sort of scarlet woman and that she wouldnt bother with me. Like she was projecting what her ex husband had done onto myself/dp. Her ex is still with the lady concerned by the way and they are married now with a family - I dont think she is over it though. She had no interest in anything that my dp was saying regarding what ended his marriage, as far as she is concerned he met me and left his wife for me and in fact was carrying on with me for ages before that.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 03/07/2011 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:16

actually he told me after about 3 dates that he was married. I told him I dont date married men so he left. end of story.

Yes they know her for 20 years, and yes it is difficult for everyone concerned but I did not force him to leave his wife, that marriage was dead or he would have stayed. He is with me now and I am happy with him and yes I do trust him.

If he chooses to be with me that is his choice, its strange though that he will be interrogated by his sister regarding when he started dating me etc yet not one word about why he strayed from his marriage or concern for his welfare. Just accusations and judgement.

I will be with him regardless, we are planning to move in together quite soon - it would just be nice if his family could at least try to be happy for us. If they choose to ignore me/be rude to me so be it but it just bothers me as its entirely needless

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 03/07/2011 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:22

Bluddy - whether I was the ow or not its not really her business. She can choose to say she doesnt agree and yes she has the right to withold her approval but she does not have the right to interfere and ask questions that are none of her concern.

I am well aware his ex blames me, apparently Im a blonde bimbo etc and because im 8 years younger than him I have given him the feeling of being young again etc etc - nothing about the fact that he loves me or I him.

His sister was like a bitter old lady last nite, honestly she is early 30's and was going on and on about how she didnt expect this from her brother and she had heard that he was seeing me but didnt believe it etc etc. I felt like saying "look we are here having a well deserved nite out after a hard week, take your disapproval and your nosiness and shove it. Get a life of your own and perhaps you wont be so interested in mine". Seriously had to bite my tongue

OP posts:

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:24

Bluddy - basically she reckons that we were going out for about 6 months, ie having an affair and then he left.

What she is correct about is that he did meet me and leave his wife - I dont do affairs and I made it very clear to him that if he wanted a relationship with me he had to leave - so he did - now is the fallout from it.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 03/07/2011 14:29

To them you will always be the other woman, it can take years to form a relationship with his family, you cannot just be with him and be accepted life does not work like that. He has a past and you have to deal with the fallout from his family whether you like it or not.

Xales · 03/07/2011 14:30

Trouble is he was happy to meet you and have dates until you put your foot down. How long and how much would he have been happy to do while still married if someone didn't put their foot down?

It is fine for him to come and say to you marriage is over but why wasn't he doing that with his wife before going out on dates.

I think you did the right thing in saying you are married go away.

Maybe you didn't leave it quite long enough in his families eyes as he was still living in the family house while you were dating from the sounds of things.

You don't actually know what he did or how it was all handled with his ex wife apart from what he tells you unfortunately. If he went to her/his family and said 'I have met piecesofme our marriage is over after 20 years see ya' then maybe that is why you are being painted as a scarlet marriage destroying woman.

pinkytheshrinky · 03/07/2011 14:42

TBH you sound a bit ignorant. What can you not understand about their feeling towards you - they might be wrong about the timeline (although they do know you are the cause of the marriage breakdown) but they have every right to disapprove, you don't have to like it but you do have to suck it up.

And she does as his sibling have the right to poke her nose in - she is concerned for him and his wife - do they have any children?

And really, anyone that takes 3 dates to tell you they are married well, watch your back lady. Very dodgy behaviour as he was trying before he was buying with you so he could slide from one relationship to another - you should be very very wary.

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:45

xales yes he was quite happy to meet me and have an affair, thats not for me though. What he did or didnt do while he was married to her is not my business, i dont know what state their marriage was in, obviously it was not happy for whatever reason. I get the impression that they would have limped along for a few more years until I came on the scene.

Yes I was dating him while he was still living in the family annex - he was separated though, im aware that this is true as he is quite friendly with a cousin of his ex's and I had been out in this guys company, in the local pub!, and I do believe and trust what he tells me.

I believe that he told his family that they were separating that he was unhappy and had been for many years but he was now going. She went to his family and told them that he had met someone else and was leaving her for this person, she actually mentioned me by name.

Im dating him and not his family so if they dont want to know me so be it - its a shame though as we are planning a future together and if we have children etc what will they do then when they have alienated myself and their son/brother etc.

OP posts:

pinkytheshrinky · 03/07/2011 14:48

and do they have any children?

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:48

pinky i dont expect anyone to interfere in my relationship - my own family dont do it. He decided to leave his wife. - the fact that he was having an affair (which she had done previously by the way).

His sibling was showing no concern for him, she was accusign and judging and basically acting as if she was owed an explanation - which in my opinion she is not. He has one child, 12.

OP posts:

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:49

sorry I didnt finish that previous post, the fact that he was having an affair, in her eyes is neither here nor there. He wasnt, I didnt - end of story.

OP posts:

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 14:51

running out the door to grab lunch, chat later, thanks for responding ladies, much appreciated to have another point of view

OP posts:

FingandJeffing · 03/07/2011 16:08

Hmm, you see he has a 12 year old child. They are going to disaprove. You should not get drawn into talking about this with his family leave that up to him. If they had no idea he was unhappy until he left his wife for you it will take them a long time to get over seeing you at fault.

magicmelons · 03/07/2011 16:17

Surely when he told you he was married after 3 dates later alarm bells rang. I would never see a guy again who had lied to me about being married. To his family, true or not you will always be the OW that ended a 20 year relationship. This is because you have a cowardly BF who wasn't brave enough to leave on his own and cheated on his wife.

I would expect to wait along time for the hurt to improve before i ever expected anything like a friendly reception from his family.

Are you pleased that you bf is teh type of man to give up a 20 year relationship for 3 dates?

meditrina · 03/07/2011 16:18

Do you really know he was in the annex? Or what was really going on and being said to his wife and family at that stage?

His ex was part of the family for 20+ years, and for as long as his child is under 18, will continue to be so.

And of course, perhaps they just like her.

You cannot force them to either like or accept you. You may see your "I won't go out with married men" as a moral stance - they may see it as the ultimatum which wrecked the marriage.

You are in a hard position - is he worth it?

ledkr · 03/07/2011 16:24

Tbh she sounds like a great lady,being true to how she feels and not just going for the "blood is thicker than water" option.My ex sil was the same,she continues to be loyal to me and her nephews and niece and has a frosty relationship with dh new partner (ow) i tell her constantly im ok and re married but she saw how hurt me and the kids were.
When she gets used to you she will probably be a great lady to know.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 03/07/2011 16:50

You see she might be his ex but she's not your DP's sister's ex and she never will be. She's her SIL of 20 years. If his sister is early 30s, then that means that the 'ex' became her SIL when she was about 12. She is the mother of your Dp's sister's 12 year old niece/nephew. If they had a good , close relationship, they will have one for the rest of their lives. Just because your DP walked away doesn't mean she will. You are someone that had three dates with someone, and when you found out they were married, didn't walk away but asked them to separate. You didn't owe her anything and were within your rights to do so, but don't expect his sister to like you for it. And you have no idea what he told his ex or family about why he was living in the annex - I'd bet 'needing some space' was mentioned rather than 'shagging Piecesofme'. Why should she accept you or be supportive of her brother's decision?

thingsabeachanging · 03/07/2011 17:01

I believe the normal response to finding out a bf is married is - I dont date married men, nor do I date little shits who pursue without having the necessary knackers to end their marriage first.

It was your choice not to take that stance. But that is the risk you take. Yes he was married and therefore he was the one in the wrong. I suspect his sister questions were about his behaviour rather more than they were about you. They would also have been about his behaviour towards her at the end of her marriage as I suspect he gave her his full sympathy and has since turned out to be a little liar! So yes she does have the right to ask and yes you are going to have to suck it up for a bit.

I am sure, over time, it will not be so bad for you. Time is a great healer and you have had longer to come to terms with it all than his family, who are still grieving.

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 17:03

whether I was the ow or not its not really her business.

no its not her business, but she does have the right to have the feelings she has. You & her brother did split up a long term relationship and probably cause a lot of heartache and pain all round

on the other hand, maybe she just didnt like the look of you and thought you were a bit arrogant :)

Aislingorla · 03/07/2011 17:20

Hmm, a lot for you to think about OP. I really hope you take on board what is being said and try and see things from your boyfriend's wife's and family's point of view.
You say you only found out he was married after 3 dates yet you know his ex's cousin and are reassured that he was actually living in the annex before he left home! Where did you 2 meet then? Surely, before you date you get to know each other as friends first? Or was it a 'blind date' and was he not wearing his ring?
Please, if you should meet his 12 year old, do not be too hard on him/her if s/he isn't exactly jumping with joy at the prospect of getting to know 'dad's new girlfriend' !

Original poster

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 17:50

sorry all, had visitors arrive unexpectedly. aislingorla I met his ex's cousin with my dp, we went out and had drinks. i met my dp through the brother of an old school friend of mine, we got talking, he asked me out the rest is history. No he wasnt wearing his ring or obviously I would not have went there in the first place.

I dont expect to be welcomed with open arms by his family but I dont think manners is too much to ask for. I did not split up a 20 year relationship - i merely told him that I dont date married men ergo if you want to pursue a relationship with me you have to be up front and leave your marriage. Melons I think he wanted out of the marriage and didnt have the nerve to go years ago when he should have so he kept on with it, met me and jumped for his chance out. People make mistakes, they are not always brave or fair or anything else, just human and fallible.

What I should tell you is that after the 3 dates when he told me I didnt see or hear from him for almost 2 months, not until he told me he had told his family/her family about separating etc.

As for my arrogance - I dont think I am to be honest, Im dating a guy that is separated, i love him very much but I agree he was gutless not to end his marriage years ago when it failed.

As for his 12 year old, I dont expect him to be jumping with joy - to be honest its all raging hormones anyway from what I hear so I should be lucky to get any acknowledgement more than the odd grunt.

Anyway Ciao - visitors coming back from their walk

thanks so much for all your opinions

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread