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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not accepted by his family

37 replies

piecesofme · 03/07/2011 13:59

Im having a bit of a difficulty with my dp. He was married for almost 20 years and is now separated and dating myself. When I met him I did not know he was married and when I found out I told him that I didnt date married men. He subsequently separated (albeit he was staying in the annex to the marital home due to financial difficulties etc). for a few months but was separted as in his family were told, her family/friends etc. He now has an apartment and our relationship is going from strength to strenght.

My issue is that I seem to be getting the cold shoulder from his family. We were out having a drink last nite and one of his sisters arrived in. This was my first time meeting her and I tried to be as friendly as I could, offered a drink etc etc, she was quite cool with me and I basically chatted to one of her friends while she talked to my boyfriend. She seemed to object to the fact that he had left his ex and was continually asking him if he was dating me while still with his ex. He explained to her that he was separated and had been for a year now, had lived in the annex until financially he was able to move out and now he had. She was so rude to me and honestly it angered me so much. I bit my tongue and said nothing but I wonder if its constantly going to be this way with his family.

What I should mention is that her husband had an affair and left, something I dont think she has ever gotten over. Should I have challenged her last nite when I overheard her talking about myself/dp relationship or was I right to say nothing.

OP posts:

tranquilgardens · 04/07/2011 00:00

You sound like you have little empathy for others and only for yourself OP.

You are dating a married man with a child, who cheated on his wife with you be it for three dates, he is a cheat!

If I was your boyfriends sister, judging by your attitude and his and your behaviour, I would not want anything to do with you either!

In fact, I would give your boyfriends sister a pat on the back, looking out for her dn and her dn's mother in all of this.

Aislingorla · 04/07/2011 00:09

Don't be surprised if his son refuses to have anything to do with you at all, 'an odd grunt'? Don't ftatter yourself!
Your story is edited, you knew he was married.I f you and your 'boyfriend's' sister are thirty and he has been married for 20 years, that means she has know her sister in law since she was 10! No wonder she doesn't want to accept you? You will never measure up,even if you have children in the future!

exoticfruits · 04/07/2011 00:13

20 years is a long time and people forge relationships. I have a friend who was the first wife, she had known and loved her ILs in that time, they had a huge history.This hasn't stopped because she is no longer married. She goes on holiday with her SIL and was still a DD to her PIL. I dare say the second wife doesn't like it but they just don't have the same relationship.People are not machine who can just turn off emotions.

forehead · 04/07/2011 00:28

OP, It will be your turn next.......

Conundrumish · 04/07/2011 01:12

You sound very naive OP. Really can't believe that you are surprised by this. He effectively left his wife for you - what's not to understand?

AmberLeaf · 04/07/2011 02:38

Do you really believe he was sleeping in the annexe?

He is a LIAR!

You effectively gave a married man with a child an ultimatum to end his marriage and you wonder why his sister hasnt warmed to you.

ledkr · 04/07/2011 09:38

Op lets hope when you have been together a few yrs,the first flush of love is over and real life has added its stresses to your relationahip,that he doesnt meet someone else who ctaches his eye who then tells him to end things with you.

oldwomaninashoe · 04/07/2011 15:13

OP my brother separated from his wife gradually then effectively when he met someone else...seems to be the way a lot of men do it!!

However I have always got on well with my SIL who is the mother of my two neices, and have found it profoundly difficult to interreact easily with his"newer wife" .In fact it has taken me about 10 years or so before I felt I wasn't being disloyal to SIL No1!

It is difficult when you have forged a close relationship over a number of years to forget your "ties" easily. She probably doesn't "blame" you at all but deep down, is disappointed at her brothers behaviour, as I am about my brother.

(For what it is worth, my brother is completely unworthy of either of his wives it is a surprise to me that either of them ever saw anything in him!)

oldwomaninashoe · 04/07/2011 15:14

Interact not interreact !

RottenTiming · 04/07/2011 15:18

You seem to want to have your cake and eat it.

Just because you employed the arse covering "clever" use of phrase "I don't date married men" you seem to think that you were therefore innocent with regards the end stage of his marriage.

I've noticed that many men only ever make the final move when they have secured the emotional support of a new partner.

You weren't a completely innocent party but maybe if it hadn't been you it would have been someone else he left his wife for, how does that make you feel ? Insecure ?

No-one in your position can expect to be treated the same way his wife is.

His sister clearly doesn't unquestioningly accept his version of events and she has known him longer than both you and his wife put together.

You've made your bed, but it's not as comfortable as you'd like is it ?

akaemmafrost · 04/07/2011 15:26

You sound like a complete tit op and so immature. Sorry no pussy footing around here.

You are utterly clueless as to the pain and devastation that your "relationship" has caused and the far reaching ripple effect that the breaking up of a lengthy marriage and family will cause and only time will teach you.

Oh and I don't believe for one second that he stayed in the annex for as long as he claimed. And if he DID break up his twenty year marriage after only three dates with you then if I were you I would be pretty apprehensive as to what the future holds with this man.

As for his sister, why don't you say what you want to say to her and then come back and tell us how she responds? Sure that would be a post worth reading!

noir · 04/07/2011 15:31

Haha OP you have clearly constructed a version of events in your head to convince yourself you're innocent. Nothing we say on here will convince you otherwise, you have very little empathy so will not understand the SIL's point of view regardless of what we say.

If you were genuinely innocent in all this you wouldn't give a toss what his sister thinks. The reality is you know you contributed to the breakdown of a marriage and you're now tied up in a relationship with a cheater who could and probably will do the same thing to you. It eats you up inside doesn't it?

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