Boyfriend on swinging site :'(

[noplacelikehome]

I'm sitting here in tears. I can't talk to anyone in RL about this as it's too personal. I desperately need advice.
What would you do if you found your boyfriend had an active profile on a swinging site?
I know the answer is to question him about it but I don't know how to broach it without bursting into tears. I can't find the words to say.
I only discovered it yesterday. We've been together for 12 months and hardly ever have sex as he struggles with erections...in light of this discovery, this problem is seemingly only with me although he's said time and again it's not me, what am I supposed to think now?
I have been patient and understanding re lack of sex and have told him to tell me if there's anything I could do to help.
I've encouraged him to be open with me.
On this site it says he's happily single and looking to bring fantasies to life.
He's never mentioned any of this to me but he knows I'd do anything he asked.
I was so happy til I found this but now I'm heartbroken .
Why is he doing this?
He doesn't know I know so where do I start?
I can't just ignore it but am frightened of what I'll hear if I start asking questions.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Check out my thread. These people do not change unless they want to. Found my husband on sex sites AGAIN!. I miss him like anything but how many times can you forgive. Im 11 years in and you are only 12 months. I wish I cut my losses the first time I found out :( xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1856263-Husband-on-dating-sites-how-original

Op I know you have decided to believe him.
That is your choice, bare in mind it is a choice.
You have decided to take him at his word, you have given him a free licence now to continue to lie to you.
So please be on your guard and protect yourself and your children.
By all means continue to work on your sex life, get some sex therapy.
But please keep that voice in your head and trust, trust, trust your instincts on other things he might be doing.

Zombie thread

I remember what this feels like after I found my partners profile on dating sites (now an ex) . I'm sorry if you are hurting right now. You definitely need to have this out in the way that feels safest to you. If you cannot do it face to face find another way to communicate. Putting details into these sites takes time and effort - which suggests a conscious decision to look elsewhere. It also looks like he hid/lied about what he was doing and thought he would get away with it - shame on him!

You need to think about what you need from a relationship now. That is; not what you are prepared to tolerate; but what would make you happy - trust, honesty, wanting to spend time together, intimacy etc. Does his behaviour go against that.

Life is short and everyone deserves happiness. You sound like a considerate and compassionate woman. You can only have a loving relationship when you show love for yourself first. He's looking after his interests -so it is time for you to look after yours xx

ZOMBIE THREAD

I found the fab swingers site on my boyfriends phone and read all the message she and found out that he had not only been talking to people on there but he has actually slept with someone. How am I supposed to trust that it has only been one person?
How can I ever trust him again?
The only reason I am trying to forgive him is because I found out the day we were coming on holiday.
It is absolute agony having to look at him and try and forget what he has done to me.
I have caught him on dating sites before and he has promised he will never do it again but here we are a few months later and he has actually cheated this time.
I have no idea what to do and genuinely feel like I don't want to be here anymore. We are supposed to be trying for a baby!
The worst thing I see I give him absolutely everything he wants. Sex every day, I do his washing cooking cleaning and support him while he has been out of work for nearly a year. I even bought him a car about a month ago as his was crap and I knew it would make him happy.
I don't think he realises that he has absolutely destroyed me!!!

OP I know the website you refer to very well. I used to have a membership when I was single a couple of years back.
It was a good way to socialise and have (safe) sex/meet people/have regular no strings if that is what you want.
The website is however inundated with married/attached men and 'single' men....
If you go to the forum section you will see that it is a regular topic of conversation.
The ratio of men to women on there is also very high apparently.
It's approx 10 men for every 1 woman so men who are looking for both couples and women find it very hard to do so. There are also a lot of 'multiple' meets go on as well (I.e 3-somes or more)
In your partner's defence, some people do go on for the 'thrill', for an ego boost or just to perv at the photos on there (nude people and photos of sex acts etc) This could be the case with your partner.
If he has met someone, it also doesn't mean that he slept with her/them. Most meets happen in a public place first and may not have gone any further.
Also if it did go further, it's like a 'golden rule'/unwritten rule that all must be safe. It's frowned upon to not use protection.
I know that will be small comfort to you if he cheated, but some small reassurance that it is unlikely that he has passed anyrhing on.
It is also worth noting that there may be a 'verification' summary on his profile which will tell you exactly how many 'meets' he has had and if he has chosen to display the verifications, this will give you full information about whether it was a social meet (I.e just a drink) or a sexual meet (he slept with her)
Hope that helps a little. I am so sorry, this is horrible.
If you want to know anything else feel free to contact me.
I will reiterate that he may have just had a social meet.
I personally would keep an eye on his profile and see what happens until you know more then ask him.

I also forgot to add that it is usual when you first join to be bombarded with messages.... It's a new meat thing (I don't mean that offensively but the same people pop up often so if they see someone new it's a big thing)
The messages will be mostly requesting photos, when you don't post any, the messages do trail off.
If you can also look at his 'friend' list on there and click on any of the friends.
Sometimes if he hasn't displayed his verifications (called Veri's) the friend may have displayed his if they have met and hes written one for her (a verification is almost a brief summary of how the meet went)
Again hope this helps and not too confusing or distressing.

@Titch8201 this is a zombie thread but just want to say please ditch him! And do not have a baby with him. He doesn't deserve you you're doing everything for him and bought him a car and he gives you stress in return?! Ditch him and find someone who deserves you xx

I'd leave him whilst he's still boyfriend and not H.

Making you feel his erection problems are down to you I wouldn't need to know anymore about this guy I'd leave

Could be worse my 80 Y/O Dad is on Fab Swingers, was carrying on whilst my mum was alive and managed to show his granddaughter a video of him wan*king on his computer because he is an idiot. Currently, he has invited a swinging 50s something couple with a reputation for inheriting old man houses to clean for him three days a week.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

Titch8201 I suggest you start a new thread and get help that way. You won't get much advice on this one.

This thread is a Zombie.