noplacelikehome, my sex life is similar at the moment. What you describe is so familiar. I always have to initiate it, he gets an erection then loses it at the crucial moment. I have given up tbh, I am so upset about it (it has been going on a while, we've been married a long time and have lot of problems). Can't face keep initiating it because I feel unwanted, but I know it's not that, he's always telling me how attractive he finds me.
I want to end my marriage (not just because of this, no way) but sex has become a huge battleground.
I'm really sorry you are in this position and know how hard it is, but tbh I am not sure about the working through this together. I feel for you because you clearly love him and want it to work.
Not being horrible, but I'm surprised you didn't tackle the website issue, burying your head in the sand will make it fester; it will get worse not better. That said, keeping an eye on it is a good idea, and of course you don't want a shitty holiday for you or your kids.
Re working through dp's erection problems, I really don't think it's a joint problem. I'm not unsympathetic, but this, coupled with his use of this site suggests to me he has issues he needs to work through on his own. I think counselling, not pills are the answer. If there is nothing physiologically wrong, pills could only help him to get his confidence back - that might work to eliminate the problem longer term, but it wouldn't help with underlying emotional/psychological factors.
My dh has had erection problems all his life, in fact it's been less with me than anyone else from what he's told me. He had these problems at the beginning of our relationship, tied up with guilt about previous relationships I think (before me, he dumped every single one). He also had a lot of issues with his (late) father, who undermined him and made him feel useless all the time.
Anyway, these problems have resurfaced again. It sounds awful, but I feel I can't deal with it any more. There's been a lot of water under the bridge - hostility, grown apart etc - and I no longer find him attractive.
I'm not saying abandon this poor man because he can't manage penetrative sex, but I just think it's his problem, not both of yours. He needs to address it and sort it out, all you can do is be sympathetic and patient - if you want to.
I'm scared that this has undermined your self esteem and you will stay in this relationship because you don't think you deserve better, even if he does use that awful site. I'm scared he'll spin you a story you want to believe and you'll believe it, even if you don't really.
Look after yourself OP, my view is that he needs counselling, and you might benefit from some too, or to talk this through with someone impartial in RL.
Take care