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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

more lies....prostitutes

102 replies

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 06:35

I am in two minds even about posting as I am so embarassed. I had posted earlier thread about finding out husband had had affair at Easter. Got advice from here and trundled on. Things seemed to be better then they had been for ages though he was not as remorseful as I felt he would have been.

cut to the chase..I have found out he has been using prostitutes over the last 3 years minimum (20-30 of them?) mainly during the working day, some local to us, while travelling abroad and even fitting them in (excuse the pun) en route from a meeting at someones office back to work. Sometimes they were not individuals.:( They are all pre booked significantly in advance (the ones abroad a couple of weeks before he travelled). He has definitely liasied with some since I found out about the affair although he says that he never met up with them. However he was looking up the details of massage parlours for the country he is travelling too in a few weeks (though he says this was just web surfing for "something to do"!) They are all in their 20's and by the look of their "pages" look better then I have done at any point in my entire life.

He said it meant nothing. He has been really stupid. He loves the children (and me-yeah right) He wants another chance. He knows he has a problem. It will NEVER happen again. etc blah blah He appears very remorseful. But I am never going to have piece of mind am I? Is there any way past this?

I have been in a previous emotionally abusive reationship and I am pretty sure the way I think about things is not the "norm". If I tried hard enough I suspect I could even normalise this behaviour. Am I nuts even to be considering a way past this? Is there even one poster on here that would be considering this?

Obviously (my opinion) he needs some sex therapy (and I don't means the type he has been getting!). What shall I do? The only thing I do know is I cannot just gloss over this. Even if I want us to get past this (do I?) should he move out? There is noone I can talk to in RL.

I sound light hearted and jovial? Funny what fronts we can put on is n'it? I am dying inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
no1idiot · 27/06/2011 06:18

that is sickening isn't it? "the perfect excuse"

And yes mine had lots of lunch time and breakfast meets.

Believe me this is as far from perfect as you can get!

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/06/2011 06:27

Oh you poor thing, no1. I hope you haven't been up all night.

You don't need yet another person saying this, but you do need to go to the clinic yourself, and feel free to hate him for putting you through it.

Original poster
no1idiot · 27/06/2011 06:33

It ha been a very long night.. I feel like I have just got off a long plane trip and/or been hit by a bat. Luckily the Glastonbury highlights on tv took my mind off this nightmare for an hour or so.

OP posts:
Loonytoonie · 27/06/2011 07:33

No1, I just wanted to add my support to you.

As others have said, this is not your shame to carry around. Do you have a good GP? If you don't want to share this with RL friends and family yet, get along to your GP, today if you can, and tell, tell, tell. Unburden yourself and get them to sort out any appointments that you have to make.

I know it may seem that your stuck in a nightmare, but this is a nightmare you can start stepping out of. Your H has a mindset that won't alter. Not for you. Not for his children. He will eventually do this again, and again. He has deceived you and led a double life as a sexual deviant. He won't change. He can't change. You deserve peace and gentleness. Set the ball in motion today to leave. Stay here for support if you want to avoid talking in RL, for now at least.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 07:43

nomedoit , I do not agree with you that men's use of prostitutes is "very widespread"

in some circles, maybe

in "The City" maybe

thankfully, I don't move in those sort of circles, nor do my husband and I live and work in anything resembling "The City"

if OP doesn't either, I hope your post doesn't reinforce the idea that she isn't in a minority for how badly she has been treated

I am sure you are trying to make OP feel better, but banging on about how "widespread" ie normal it is will only excuse him

there is no excuse

proudnscaryvirginmary · 27/06/2011 07:54

Namedoit - well we all know what 'punt' rhymes with.

Loonytoonie · 27/06/2011 08:00

AnyFucker I'm glad you've made that point. This thread has been very frightening to read.....

TheScenicRailway · 27/06/2011 09:03

I think it's widespread amongst misognyists, wherever they may be - and that's all there is to it Hmm

While reading this thread and thinking about the level of deception involved, it is on so many levels, isn't it? Obviously, there's the sexual and financial betrayal, but there has also been a significant time and labour betrayal too.

OP, I imagine you were fed a story of him working terribly hard and unsociable hours, which meant that the majority of the domestic work and childcare fell to you. You might have even felt sorry for him several times, because his working hours were so onerous. So I bet you worked even harder, let him off certain tasks, got ever more tired and worn out yourself - and if you ever complained, got the "I work really hard" speech.

When money was tight, you might have admired him for working even harder. And like someone said downthread, I bet you went without. Didn't have your hair cut that month, didn't buy that magazine, went without a new coat last year.

To realise now that he was spending your money and not working at all during these times (a double loss because I'm assuming he runs his own business) - well, I can't imagine what anger that would evoke.

I do hope you are angry?

I do hope you'll look beyond the sexual and financial infidelity and realise just how much your life - and that of your DCs, has been blighted and short-changed by your H's behaviour.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 10:57

how are you today, Op ?

Original poster
no1idiot · 27/06/2011 11:06

I am here. Spoke to GUM and they said to wait til next week and have tests due to when I last had sex with dh (what a lovely thought) as some take that amount of time to register. I spoke to a really lovely helath adviser who has given me some comfort. She also said I wont have passed anything to my children by kissing/hugging them etc. Thank goodness.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 11:07

How are you feeling in general?

Original poster
no1idiot · 27/06/2011 11:12

ok. then numb. confused. then thinking everything will be ok. then sick to my stomach. then numb etc etc

Not sure this is normal. Probably bloody furious is more the norm.

OP posts:
Original poster
no1idiot · 27/06/2011 11:14

Thanks for asking as well. Also (and I am not trying to be patronising) you are actually one of my heroes on here. The advice you have given on many threads has been invaluable and makes me think you would not take any sh*t at all.

OP posts:
aliceliddell · 27/06/2011 11:25

Hi, No1. How about a slight name change for you? Just lose the last bit and stick with No1? Hope you're OK.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 11:34

no1, it doesn't matter what I would take or not take, this is about you and where you draw your line in the sand

I have been quite restrained with my posts on your thread, and kept them quite brief, because I can see you are not sure which way to jump and didn't want to harangue you

the choice is yours remember that

what is he actually doing to attempt to repair things ?

The best advice i could give you would be to talk to someone in RL about this. Whether it's atrusted friend, family member or your GP/counsellor etc you should not be internalising this because you feel ashamed

not telling anybody is just condoning the lies and the secrecy, love

that is what this kind of selfish and skanky behaviour feeds off...your husband is feeding off your reluctance to blow this wide apart

he wants you confused, isolated and cowed, and looking to him to solve this, he wants to protect his own image

there is a solution, that is yours to own, that doesn't depend on the dubious honesty of a damaged man to keep you happy and secure

could you ever feel happy and secure again ?

I really, really don't think so Sad

brokenlady · 27/06/2011 12:32

I have posted on here recently - found out 2 weeks ago that my H of 10 years has been having an affair with a married woman for 2 months. I still haven't reached any decisions about whether I will stay or go - DC are my weakness. Anyway, like you, I wonder if I will be able to trust him again and wonder whether it can really work.

I have set a list of things that I expect H to do if we are to give this marriage another go: read a book on infidelity that I was recommended, get 121 counselling and marriage counselling, address drinking etc... I am determined I will not take him back unless he has done all of these things.

You have gone on to find out about more lies and deceit - in the form of prostitutes this time. That must be so very hard. Only you know if there is anything left worth saving.

nomedoit · 27/06/2011 12:43

OP, I hope you are feeling better.

My point is that you are not alone by any means and that you should not feel you have been an idiot because clearly these men make a huge, calculated, concerted effort not to get caught!

AF, pointing out that something is widespread does not equate to it being normal/OK. Alcohol abuse is widespread. Cocaine abuse is widespread. Poverty is widespread. It doesn't make those things normal or acceptable.

In posting this I was saying that it is more widespread than is generally acknowledged and that therefore there are a significant number of women who have no clue that they are at risk from STD's.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 12:51

fair enough, nomedoit

I just thought you were going to go down the route of "loads of men do it, so it's ok"

because that kind of crap is designed to make the victim feel the problem lies with her

and it really does not

your follow-up post clarifies what you said a little better, for me anyway (not that it matters to others on this thread, of course)

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 12:52

and I don't agree this sort of thing is "widespread" for most decent blokes who love their family and have full respect for their partner

Lulabellarama · 27/06/2011 12:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 12:58

Dear God, Lula Shock

Lulabellarama · 27/06/2011 13:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

nomedoit · 27/06/2011 13:23

Lula, I think it's highly significant that your ex's friend was involved. You can tell a lot about the company someone keeps. Personally, if a bloke has a lot of friends who are 'lads' and claims not to join in, I would be very sceptical. Similarly, stag do's overseas are a huge red flag, especially eastern Europe.

I'm afraid I am old and cynical, AF. Nothing surprises me now. I've just seen too many perfect families and marriages blown apart by all forms of dishonest and/or addictive behaviour.

I go by what a wise old woman told me - "I trust my husband 99%..."

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 13:37

nomedoit, I say the same re. not trusting someone 100%

we are on the same page, I think esp re. the old and cynical

I do, however, still maintain a basic trust in the decency of men as a whole

a few bad apples do not a cart make (in the words of someone else who is wise)

or perhaps, more realistically in my case, I try and think that someone is decent until they prove otherwise by their actions

and when/if that happens, I am very unforgiving

wrongdecade · 27/06/2011 14:09

Get yourself checked ASAP