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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

more lies....prostitutes

102 replies

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 06:35

I am in two minds even about posting as I am so embarassed. I had posted earlier thread about finding out husband had had affair at Easter. Got advice from here and trundled on. Things seemed to be better then they had been for ages though he was not as remorseful as I felt he would have been.

cut to the chase..I have found out he has been using prostitutes over the last 3 years minimum (20-30 of them?) mainly during the working day, some local to us, while travelling abroad and even fitting them in (excuse the pun) en route from a meeting at someones office back to work. Sometimes they were not individuals.:( They are all pre booked significantly in advance (the ones abroad a couple of weeks before he travelled). He has definitely liasied with some since I found out about the affair although he says that he never met up with them. However he was looking up the details of massage parlours for the country he is travelling too in a few weeks (though he says this was just web surfing for "something to do"!) They are all in their 20's and by the look of their "pages" look better then I have done at any point in my entire life.

He said it meant nothing. He has been really stupid. He loves the children (and me-yeah right) He wants another chance. He knows he has a problem. It will NEVER happen again. etc blah blah He appears very remorseful. But I am never going to have piece of mind am I? Is there any way past this?

I have been in a previous emotionally abusive reationship and I am pretty sure the way I think about things is not the "norm". If I tried hard enough I suspect I could even normalise this behaviour. Am I nuts even to be considering a way past this? Is there even one poster on here that would be considering this?

Obviously (my opinion) he needs some sex therapy (and I don't means the type he has been getting!). What shall I do? The only thing I do know is I cannot just gloss over this. Even if I want us to get past this (do I?) should he move out? There is noone I can talk to in RL.

I sound light hearted and jovial? Funny what fronts we can put on is n'it? I am dying inside.

OP posts:

lostmymind · 26/06/2011 20:41

No1, he's been with prostitutes. It's been carefully planned - pre-meditated if you will. Do you really trust that he's worn a condom?

Even if he did, there are many STD's than can be transferred via oral sex - Herpes, Syphilis and Gonorrhea the most common. For YOUR sake, get tested.

Original poster

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 20:42

I know I have to go but I want to believe him on that count. He wont have wanted to catch a deadly disease.

Has anyone got any idea what he could have got from oral sex? I am sitting down so I wont fall over.

OP posts:

Original poster

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 20:43

Cross posts. Good thing I was sitting down!

OP posts:

DariusVassell · 26/06/2011 20:49

The point is you must not believe a word that he says because he has been lying to you for years. So take responsibility for your own health and get checked. Lots of infections are transmitted through oral sex, but I would bet my house that he didn't use condoms with his OW either - and you know that deep down.

I wonder whether you are focusing on the STI stuff and that is paralysing the main decision you've got to make?

DariusVassell · 26/06/2011 20:53

What treats have you gone without in recent years OP? What have you told yourself you've been unable to afford? Things the kids wanted but you had to wait?

And then visualise that bastard handing over your family's cash for his sordid kicks.

Don't dither on this OP.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 20:56

exactly so, Darius

it's really disgusting to think family money was handed over just for his split second orgasm

family man ?

I don't fucking think so

ineedabodytransplant · 26/06/2011 21:16

no1,

as a bloke I deplore what your oh has done. Please get yourself checked asap, if only so your children have a mother around. Would you really want someone like him looking after them.

Ands please don't think that just because he fooled you with his 'butter wouldn't melt/he'a great bloke ' act that all men would lie, cheat and use prostitutes.

I can assure you that many men would, but they are definitely in the minority

Good luck, get him out, and look after your kids

ineedabodytransplant · 26/06/2011 22:47

sorry,my last post sounded melodramatic

get tested, get rid and please move on.

Retiredpunter · 26/06/2011 23:27

I often lurk here over my DW's shoulder but for once I felt like I have something to contribute and can now she's in bed.

Obviously I've potentially got a lot to lose so have name changed.

Years ago when I was single, I started to regularly see prostitutes. There's a whole scene dedicated to this and you'd be amazed how many men do it.

I'm not trying to defend our actions. It is what it is. A fact.

Now firstly let me just say that if your husband has been in the UK then virtually all girls will insist upon condoms. If he's been to reputable parlours or used professional escorts then chances are they get themselves tested regularly too.

So realistically your main threat is not HIV or herpes but Chlamydia. That can be caught via an uncovered blowjob and that's something many prostitutes will do. I'm not belittling the problem, nor saying you shouldn't go to a clinic but merely trying to put it into perspective.

The other thing is that there is a saying within the industry that "once a punter, always a punter" and that is very much true. Once you get over that initial fear then its also very very rare that you can break the habit.

For me, since i've been with my wife I've managed to cut my visits down to a couple of times and since we've been married I've not visited once. That's not to say I won't. I feel the pull. But I do love my wife. It's hard to describe. It's like an addiction in every sense of the word. You know it's wrong. You know you shouldn't. But there's compulsion there and something I fight all the time.

It's nothing to do with love for my wife. I love our kids with all my heart. That much is never in doubt. For me it's not about love, it's about sex with someone new. I'm not sure what sort of affair your husband had? Personally i couldn't have the emotional affair and I've had opportunities. Too messy.

So dont fool yourself into thinking that your husband can change. I doubt he can. If I got caught I'd fully expect to lose everything. It's that fear now which keeps me trying my hardest to keep clean so to speak.

I don't expect any sympathy but just thought my experience here may help no1idiot understand what may be going through her husbands head.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 23:33

That is a very brave post, RP

Original poster

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 23:35

I am exhausted after all the turmoil and beginning to flag tonight but just wanted to thank you for posting this.

OP posts:

Original poster

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 23:47

and "There's a whole scene dedicated to this and you'd be amazed how many men do it.

I'm not trying to defend our actions. It is what it is. A fact."

I have unfortunately got right up to speed on this in 2 days - it is unbelieveable what is out there. The only men I know who has done this were a couple of ultra scuzzy men that dh knew (totally vile - Thailand visits sort of people) and now dh. I can see that once you have found something that you like like that it is v difficult/impossible to kick. I guess the key is never to have started in the first place.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 23:56

I am so sorry, no.1

I expect you came across Punternet.com on your web travels

Lovely whimsies on there such as "how to fool the stupid wife" and "rating working girls" and how what they do "saves their marriages"

Sickening

I am really sorry you find yourself married to a man like this

AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 23:57

...or co.uk

whatever

it's all just horrible

Original poster

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 23:58

yes I did but have found some even worse ones. It was the "feedback" ratings that really turned my stomach.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 00:00

I saw Punternet once (we had an invasion of the sick fuckers here a little while ago). I vowed never to sully myself with that again nor take the risk of finding something worse.

Original poster

no1idiot · 27/06/2011 00:02

you can imagine when you see your husbands feedback (both rating and being rated) on there too... what a top discovery

OP posts:

hellymelly · 27/06/2011 00:05

How absolutely horrendous.I am so for you op. Personally I couldn't go back from this,I could never trust him again,aside from the fact that men who use prostitutes have no respect for women. But I can imagine how difficult and distressing it is to take in. Be selfish,think only of you and your children, and what you want,and get checked health-wise (syphillis can be spread via oral contact).

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 00:08

You poor woman

Are you sticking around for more of the same ?

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 27/06/2011 00:24

Oh God, that must have been awful to see.

Please kick him out. You clearly deserve better. Good luck. :)

M0naLisa · 27/06/2011 00:44

RP you may want to get your post deleted just to be on the safe side.

No1, I caught clamydia, ex said he'd not cheated his mate was obsessed with prostitutes so ex went with him one night, and obviously he did something with one of them one time!! I had a check at drs and results were back same week. Get checked please!!

As for him what an utter fucking cunt! He isn't worth the air you breathe to do that to you! :(

Get rid! He's been doing it for 3 years - what's to say hge won't go back to it.

As for the using a condom, if you'd have asked him 1 year agoi if he was shagging prostitutes would he have aaid 'yeah'? Doubt it!

M0naLisa · 27/06/2011 00:44

RP you may want to get your post deleted just to be on the safe side.

As for him what an utter fucking cunt! He isn't worth the air you breathe to do that to you! :(

Get rid! He's been doing it for 3 years - what's to say hge won't go back to it.

As for the using a condom, if you'd have asked him 1 year agoi if he was shagging prostitutes would he have aaid 'yeah'? Doubt it!

ThatVikRinA22 · 27/06/2011 00:47

i am amazed. Are you wondering what to do? really?
sack this dysfunctional man and this relationship - its built on lies.

Im truly sorry that you found out like this OP but there has to be a limit to what a person can take, or forgive.

nomedoit · 27/06/2011 05:45

Well, I took a look at Punter Net and it confirms what I already knew - that prostitution is very widespread and we are deluding ourselves if we think only a few saddos participate. I'm afraid I'm very cynical/realistic based on years of being in recovery meetings/rehab and hearing men talk honestly about their lives and the lives of their colleagues and friends. I knew a guy who worked in the City and what he told me was that it's mainstream, not the preserve of a few pervs.

Punter net is ghastly but indirectly does give some useful info. For example, these places (massage parlours) open at around 11am for the lunchtime trade. So the fact that DH is home every night is irrelevant. Their own polls say 60% of punters are married, the girls estimate it at 70%. And the favourite excuses are going to the gym, playing golf and working.

There are girls in every town working every day. The supply is there and so is the demand. OP, don't feel bad. You did not cause this and it is clear that these men work very hard to cover their tracks.

It's a "hobby" apparently and it costs about 160 per hour... None of them seem to feel any guilt.

nomedoit · 27/06/2011 05:47

Here's a sample from their message board:

Q: For the punters here who are married or have partners, where do they think you are when you are out on a punt?

A:I'm a member of a gym so my wife and family expect me to come back showered and knackered. It's the perfect excuse!

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