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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

more lies....prostitutes

102 replies

no1idiot · 26/06/2011 06:35

I am in two minds even about posting as I am so embarassed. I had posted earlier thread about finding out husband had had affair at Easter. Got advice from here and trundled on. Things seemed to be better then they had been for ages though he was not as remorseful as I felt he would have been.

cut to the chase..I have found out he has been using prostitutes over the last 3 years minimum (20-30 of them?) mainly during the working day, some local to us, while travelling abroad and even fitting them in (excuse the pun) en route from a meeting at someones office back to work. Sometimes they were not individuals.:( They are all pre booked significantly in advance (the ones abroad a couple of weeks before he travelled). He has definitely liasied with some since I found out about the affair although he says that he never met up with them. However he was looking up the details of massage parlours for the country he is travelling too in a few weeks (though he says this was just web surfing for "something to do"!) They are all in their 20's and by the look of their "pages" look better then I have done at any point in my entire life.

He said it meant nothing. He has been really stupid. He loves the children (and me-yeah right) He wants another chance. He knows he has a problem. It will NEVER happen again. etc blah blah He appears very remorseful. But I am never going to have piece of mind am I? Is there any way past this?

I have been in a previous emotionally abusive reationship and I am pretty sure the way I think about things is not the "norm". If I tried hard enough I suspect I could even normalise this behaviour. Am I nuts even to be considering a way past this? Is there even one poster on here that would be considering this?

Obviously (my opinion) he needs some sex therapy (and I don't means the type he has been getting!). What shall I do? The only thing I do know is I cannot just gloss over this. Even if I want us to get past this (do I?) should he move out? There is noone I can talk to in RL.

I sound light hearted and jovial? Funny what fronts we can put on is n'it? I am dying inside.

OP posts:
M0naLisa · 26/06/2011 12:21

So he's been shagging prostitutes then coming home and shagging you????

Take it from MY experience and go to the dr for a full STD check. I caught chlamydia, they had had it 6mths I was lucky that it didn't cause long term problems.

M0naLisa · 26/06/2011 12:22

Btw my ex was shagging prostitutes from the bradford red light distric too - classy eh?

GetOrf · 26/06/2011 12:27

Urgh - I agree with dollius and everyone. He is a disgusting individual.

I could probably understand (if not forgive) an affair - if DP felt an attraction for someone, got to know them, thought he was in love etc. But paying a woman to fuck on her body? No. IMO men who do that are despicable.

I have an ex who used to shag prostitutes in Amsterdam and Thailand, and probably the UK as well for all I know. Shrivelled up bastard. I saw his facebook page recently, all covered in photos of very young Thai girls. May he rot.

FabbyChic · 26/06/2011 12:43

There is no way forward from this as a couple.

What he has done is beyond what is a one off one night stand, he has continuously paid for prostitutes for sex, using the family money to pay for it.

He has put you at risk of aids and other sexually related diseases.

He is not worth fighting for, your marriage is a sham based on nothing other than the children you have in common.

Ask for a divorce.

TheSecondComing · 26/06/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trestired · 26/06/2011 12:56

I took 'He knows he has a problem' to mean that he thinks that he has a sex addiction problem as an excuse. Sorry if I misunderstood. He is right though. He does have one very fucking big problem.

DariusVassell · 26/06/2011 12:58

I think even without your normal radar being shot by your old abusive relationship and tendency to normalise the abnormal, the constant drip-feed of shocks might also have had the same effect. I guess everything you found out about the affair was from your own investigation and didn't come from him? And did you keep getting new shocks about that too, so that just when you thought you knew everything, something else would turn up? And that each time, you normalised it all...until the next discovery?

This puts it in a different league. Time to end it.

I'd also guess he was a porn addict.

Original poster
no1idiot · 26/06/2011 13:00

yes he is

OP posts:
DariusVassell · 26/06/2011 13:07

No surprise there then.

He has got used to seeing women as objects to be used - and that really won't ever change now that he's got a prostitution habit too.

Cut your losses now OP. Your self-respect will never come back if you don't. You will turn into an empty shell of a woman and will feel much worse than you do now, if you normalise this too.

allthefires · 26/06/2011 13:13

You may decide you want to work through things but could you ever really trust him again?

He obviously doesnt see this as a problem and isnt showing remorse which means when the dust settles he'll do it again.

Break free now and enjoy the rest of your life.

springbokscantjump · 26/06/2011 13:46

So sorry. This is just an awful situation to be in. I could also understand an affair; it wouldn't be a 'dealbreaker' for me. But using a prostitute? No. That is. It shows the most callous disregard and contempt for you and your children.

He doesn't have a sex addiction. He's a prick and he doesn't want to keep it in his pants. He puts his own personal sexual gratification above anything else, including common decency, and is expecting you to put up with it. If you stay with him, he will not stop and eventually you will normalise his shocking behaviour.

Run for the hills with your dc.

ChiddelyPie · 26/06/2011 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 16:18

What shall I do?

End your relationship

There is nothing to be salvaged from this

aliceliddell · 26/06/2011 16:19

Your name and first sentence tell everything about the effect this idiot man has on you. None of this is your fault. It's his problem. Get rid of this abusive man, enjoy the rest of your life and find someone nice to be with. Don't waste your time on this fool.

lostmymind · 26/06/2011 19:20

This is so sad. I agree with above - get a full health check (and sadly this should include HIV), print off any evidence you've found and get to a solicitor. And get some counselling for yourself, this is NOT your fault you have done NOTHING wrong.

Original poster
no1idiot · 26/06/2011 20:02

Ok dense question I know but do I have to go for these checks or can he go? Can I have something without it showing up for him? Clymidia? He has said he will. I feel sick at having to go through this too.

OP posts:
Doha · 26/06/2011 20:05

Sorry OP but you Both need to get a full STI check as soon as possible. Tests for HIV need repeated in several months as HIV diesn't show up immediatly

allthefires · 26/06/2011 20:06

You both need to go and as soon as possible. Expect to be seen seperately though in order for staff to be able to get a full disclosure.

Do not be embarrassed- this is not your fault- and you are doing the sensible thing.

ChiddelyPie · 26/06/2011 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
no1idiot · 26/06/2011 20:12

OMG - I am in a total nightmare

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 20:19

You don't need to remain in it

This is not your fault

he did this to you, by dint of his shockingly selfish and self-entititled attitude

This is a man who hates women, including you

I am so very sorry x

AnyFucker · 26/06/2011 20:20

he is the one who should be embarassed

you don't treat someone you love like this

he has much to be ashamed of

the shame is not yours

Rindercella · 26/06/2011 20:21

No1 (refuse to say idiot), just want to send you lots of love & strength. Yes, you are in a total nightmare, and my heart goes out to you.

You will have the strength to get through this, somehow. Sometimes it may seem that it will never get easier, but it will (although it may well get more difficult at times too).

Please don't rely on your husband getting these tests. He will probably lie - it seems that this comes 2nd nature to him. Take responsibility for your health and go and get tested. You have nothing, nothing to be ashamed about. You unfortunately married an arse. It seems he has been able to deceive everyone, so there is nothing idiotic about you.

Original poster
no1idiot · 26/06/2011 20:23

I was particularly alluding to the clinic. I am (sorry for language) shit scared now.

He said he always used condoms;surely that must have cut the chances of getting anything (hoping!)?

OP posts:
ohanotherone · 26/06/2011 20:32

No shame in going to a clinic and getting tested, they are very nice and non judgemental. Men alway "say" they have used condoms. It's a long time ago now but I have heard that line before and ended up with an STD so for your own peace of mind go and get checked out XXXXXX