Dating...confused!

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

This is the story...

Chatted to a guy from a dating site back in Nov last year. We chatted for about 6 weeks, met up once and enjoyed the evening. I didn't find him physically attractive but enjoyed his personality. He was full on with texts and phone calls and I always find that insincere, anyhow he asked for another date and TBH I didn't really fancy him so we lost contact.

Fast forward 5 months...I found during this time without contact that I quite missed him and thought I'd text him, genuinely to see how he was doing. He text me straight back saying how pleased he was to hear from me. The following day he text and asked if he could call, we chatted and the week continued the same (text/calls).

He then asks me out for dinner "anywhere you want to go, your choice" So, London it was, a lovely evening, got on great (still don't fancy him) enjoy his company. Text him when I got home to say thanks for a lovely evening.

Following morning, nice text saying what a lovely evening he had and looked forward to seeing me again. That was 3 weeks ago. Have spoken to him once and I text him twice (a week apart). Have heard nothing for 2 weeks, and don't intend to contact as I have sent the last 2 texts.

Is he a player? Am I right to stop contacting?

I'd say you played him to be honest, not the other way around.

Maybe he realised you weren't for him after all.

You let him down the last time didn't you.

Yes and no. He asked to meet up again and I said yes, but nothing was confirmed (no day/time) and then...no more contact.

This guy has not got the usual confidence of a player, he is very self deprecating, so not quite sure what's going on here.

Well, if you don't fancy him, then what's your problem?

Well, in the past I have always gone for the physical stuff, you know, rose tinted glasses...Always end up overlooking major faults because I am so attracted to them. I thought I would change the errors of the past by going out with someone whos company I enjoyed as opposed to their looks. Hoped It might grow.

So maybe I do kinda fancy him?

Sorry if I was a bit abrupt, I was just curious why would you care if you don't fancy him iyswim.

Tbh I think that you need to feel a certain level of physical attraction in the beginning and I don't think this is based solely on looks. Does he make you want to kiss/ shag him? If not, than I wouldn't bother. Again it's not about how good-looking someone is but rather whether you're attracted to them, if that makes sense.

I wonder if he felt like you played him last time so now he took his revenge?

It's OK Winny no offence taken..

Erm I don't think I get the urge to snog/shag really, but I'm so fed up with having that urge with fellas and then they turn out to be complete knobs! Thought I might try and be sensible this time

And yes, it did cross my mind that he might be "paying" me back. It's probably not meant to be eh?

without wishing to sound harsh it sounds a bit like your pride has taken a knock here!
i think you missed the chats and 'friendship' tbh.
i've internet dated in the past and ime there has to be that 'spark' from the off

Yes maybe it's my pride. And I did miss the chats/banter, but that "spark" always gets me into trouble and I end up missing very obvious flaws!

Of course...what with me being perfick an'all

WILLi You make me laff. Don't give up!

TBH it sounds like he met someone else and has begun a relationship with her. Or at least he percieved that you like but don't fancy him and that he doesn't care to continue seeing you on those grounds. The whole thing about dating is that you don't owe the other person anything, you are finding out about each other and seeing if you get on or fancy each other or not, and in the early stages it's really no big deal.

Thank you all for your opinions...truly appreciated...back to the drawing board

You want the whole package, someone you're attracted to and who is a good person. This guy wasn't it. Bring on the next guy!

To be honest I'm in the same situation this bloke is. I met a lady for a couple of drinks months ago via an online dating site. However, she told me she would simply like to be friends. Anyway I went back on site lately and lo and behold she contacted me and asked me out for a drink. I'm supposed to be meeting her next week but I'm beginning to wonder why she wants to go out for a drink if she just wants to be friends?

maybe she does just want friendship?
or maybe she is having no luck online and thought she'd give you another chance.
what do you want out of this?

why not just ask Gawdon?

OP I too wonder why you are confused?

I think it's likely that he doesn't fancy you either and gave it a 2nd chance/date to see how he felt. But picked up from you that no chemistry either.

Why waste your time going out with men who you don't fancy- unless you are the sort it "grows on"?

Funnily enough I just did. She said she wants to explore things...romantically.
Does that mean she's after a quick shag?

I hope your tongue is in your cheek Gawdon- and stays there

OK, I'm confused because this guy initially was very full on. And I think I know when someone fancies me (don't most women?) he was just as full on second time around, then, after the night out and a very complimentary text, phone calls and texts cease...what is all that about?!

So on the second date he must have got a glimpse of the eye in the middle of my forehead that I managed to disguise so well before

StrawberryAs I keep saying, I want to get away from the looks/physical stuff and start on friendship/common ground etc...see if something grows out of that..if all else fails I shall stay single and just shag my way through Essex

Gawdon This woman may have been on a few more dates since yours and realised what a bunch of complete knobs are out there and thought "actually he was quite nice" I'd like to think that I'm a normal weirdo but some of these online daters are really weird weirdos Fancy a date Gawdon

I think it's likely that he has met someone else he likes better or he realises you aren't keen- so he's saving himself any pain further down the line.
Just as you say you picked up his keenness, maybe he picked up your lack of interest in him physically?

TBH the "growing on me" thing has never worked for me in the past- IMO if it's not there, it's not there.

Strawberry I think you're right about him meeting someone else. But I really don't want to go for the old "spark" business, I get so stupid and starry eyed like a bleedin teenager

Can't have my heart broken again and again

But Will - face facts- meeting anyone is a risk- you can't have the stars without acknowledging you might feel the pain. Two go hand in hand.

People rarely get married/shack up to be "friends".

Will, he's more than entitled to decide that he doesn't want to be 'settled for' or to spend time with someone who is trying to force herself to fancy him. Surely he's got a right to decide that you are not offering what he wants and therefore he'll wish you well and go elsewhere.

Sounds to me like you knew it was going nowhere from your first date yet you chose to go out again anyway - he sounded keen from the start but perhaps on the second date he either realised you didn't seem that into him or he had began to have the same doubts as you?

Never said he wasn't entitled to be "settled for" and I have never "forced" myself to fancy anyone! And did I in any of the comments relinquish any of his "rights"?

When somebody says things like "The best night I've had for a long time, and while I don't take anything for granted, I really hope to see you soon" what would you think? I hate insincerity, would much rather he said "thanks but no thanks"

Certainly mixed messages there (didn't see that bit before), sounds like he's either:

a) Met someone else
b) a lying shit which let's be honest, wouldn't exactly be unusual or
c) genuinely just changed his mind