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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I havent eaten for 2 days...

111 replies

moretolifeplz · 24/06/2011 16:12

because there is nothing in the fridge/cupboard....because we have absolutely no money!

My partner has been out of work for 6 months, refuses to sign on & doesnt seem to be looking for a job.

I sold loads of stuff on ebay so we could make it through to the end of the month...and he's spent it all. Not sure how or what on.

Although I cried so much yesterday, I think he will get off his arse and do something now. He feels guilty (rightly so).

Im so depressed. Even my 4 month old appears to be totally fed up and all he wants to do is sleep. I think he's totally bored out of his mind as I cant afford to take him anywhere! I play with him for hours usually, but Im so depressed right now I cant even get off the sofa to be perfectly honest.

WAIL!

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/06/2011 17:00

GET RID of the partner. You can't make an addict be reasonable and your partner is an addict. As far as he is concerned, gambling is more important than food - certainly more important than food for you or the baby. And you do need to eat if you are BFing, or your milk will dry up. Have you got enough pennies for things like Asda instant noodles or somesuch? OK it's not that healthy but it's calories.

usualsuspect · 24/06/2011 17:00

Why are you with him?

SingOut · 24/06/2011 17:00

Okay, X posts. It sounds like your DP is a millstone around your neck, tbh. You need to talk to someone in real life about this, because if his gambling is impacting you and your little one that seriously, you need to react equally seriously. And please eat something if you are BFing, there is some good advice above.

Also, a bit dodgy but - have you considered hiding money from him for your and the babys needs? He obviously can't be trusted with it.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 24/06/2011 17:00

if you haven't eaten for two days you will be very ill soon

katz · 24/06/2011 17:01

you need to double check because i didn't think you could work and get maternity pay (SMP) - just double check your not shooting yourself in the foot by working.

Original poster
moretolifeplz · 24/06/2011 17:02

I honestly dont know how it has got so bad - i have a good job etc and should not be struggling at all. Its his gambling and debts that have created this and now Im in a massive hole, and Im the only one trying to dig us out! I literally sold everything I have on ebay the other week...and he spent it all. That would have seen us through and now we have a tiny bit of milk, one egg and some sesame snaps in the cupboard. thats it!

I know I should show him the door now. At least then I'd just have myself and my baby to worry about. And I wouldnt have this whole gambling problem which is wasting all our money...

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 24/06/2011 17:02

agree with perfumed and quint. you should not put pride before your child. how can you say that "i am breastfeeding - he is well cared for and is not going without anything" if you havent eaten in 2 days? where is his nutrition coming from?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 24/06/2011 17:03

Op i wish i had seen this earlier. You can get a crisis loan even if you do not claim benefits.

You need to stop giving him money and sort yourself out. Your baby will need fed in a few months so you cant carry on like this.

Original poster
moretolifeplz · 24/06/2011 17:03

I know Im not meant to work...but am so desperate. i havent earned that much but it will tide me over at least. I'll be able to get some basics in.

OP posts:
Reality · 24/06/2011 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 24/06/2011 17:04

fgs ring your family and tell them, don't be embarrassed

your family would be MORTIFIED if you didn't

katz · 24/06/2011 17:06

moretolife - just watch out because i'd hate for you to lose your SMP over earning extra money the govdirect website says 'If you start work with a new employer after your baby is born (if you work for an employer who did not employ you in the 15th week before the week your baby was due) your SMP must stop. You must tell the employer paying you SMP.' I just don't want you to be screwed in the long run just to earn a few pounds now.

The ovious answer is to pack up your and the baby stuff and move in with your family, you cant stay with someone who puts gambling ahead of food.

Original poster
moretolifeplz · 24/06/2011 17:06

I changed the pin on my bank card yesterday, so going forward he cant just go in my purse and take it/spend. Thats what he's been doing, taking money without my knowledge...and then I realise a few hundred quid is gone etc. I know I should get rid of him and I tried to the other day. I asked him to leave but he tried to grab the baby...I think he wanted to snatch him and take him away with him. He said "I'll really f*ck your life up now". But then I cried so he said he was going to stay and try and do better. Im so scared if I argue with him he'll try and take the baby with him.

OP posts:
SingOut · 24/06/2011 17:06

"and Im the only one trying to dig us out!"

that tells you all you need to know. Seriously, I know people say this flippantly and frequently on MN, but you would be SO MUCH better off without this man dragging you and your boy down. Please don't be embarrassed - it's not your fault he has a gambling problem. Stop trying to mask it from others, admit whats going on and take steps to leave. I don't think this bloke will get better until you do, so even if you wanted to pursue a relationship with him in the long term, it's the only real option right now.

Xales · 24/06/2011 17:08

Be very careful who you talk to. If you work your maternity pay is meant to stop if I remember correctly. That is the last thing you need.

You do know exactly how it got this bad. You say it yourself in your very next sentence his gambling and his debts.

Sorry but you need to ask him to leave. There is no point in him being there if all he does is spends money that the mother of his child needs to eat.

You need a separate account that all your money goes into that he cannot touch and you need to not give it to him. He cannot spend it if you don't.

SingOut · 24/06/2011 17:08

OP, if you are scared, then call Women's Aid and they will help you with leaving. People do it all the time, you will get lots of help. The support is there, you just have to reach out for it. DO NOT let him bully you or it will get a thousand times worse the longer it goes on for.

perfumedlife · 24/06/2011 17:08

That's not a partner, thats a leach living off you. He is taking food out of the baby's mouth. You are a mother, you have to take control here. I know gambling is an addiction, so it would be the same if he was an alcoholic spending all the money on drink, or drugs, he has to go.

He is actually costing you money to keep him. Am stunned. Please tell your family, go there tonight for some dinner and talk to them if you can.

Xales · 24/06/2011 17:09

xposts

If he is being nasty and won't leave you have to. You cannot live like this you will end up seriously ill and your child will if it is not already suffer.

SingOut · 24/06/2011 17:10

Also, if you are scared another option is to leave the baby with your family, tell the police about his threats and then go back with a friend and the police either primed or actually accompanying you, to get your stuff.

LatherRinseRepeatAsNeeded · 24/06/2011 17:11

You have to get food in you - you cannot continue to BF without eating yourself, your baby is going to suffer.

If you cannot put yourself first, at least put your child first.

Please go speak to your family. You have to eat something

Fifis25StottieCakes · 24/06/2011 17:11

I was in a similar situation but not with gambling. Whos house are you living in yours or his.

bananabump · 24/06/2011 17:12

He'll soon bloody sign on the minute you kick him out! Self preservation is what cockroaches like him are all about - who in his right mind gambles away the food money? You need to get rid. Either kick him out or go to your family. This is exactly what family are there for, don't be daft. If you were my sister I would horrified that you hadn't eaten, I'd take you in, feed you up and help you get rid of that loser! Stop struggling and accept help, love.

theDudesmummy · 24/06/2011 17:12

Phone or go to SS, you can get a crisis loan

BitOfFun · 24/06/2011 17:12

The number for Women's Aid is on the site somewhere. You need to call it to protect your child.

Original poster
moretolifeplz · 24/06/2011 17:13

yes I do think I would be better off - at least I wouldnt need to worry about all my hard earned cash going missing. My little boy just doesnt deserve this. I hadnt realised my milk might dry up if Im not eating enough. That spurs me into action as I really dont want him to be losing out on nutrients etc. Its only been 2 days so im hoping I havent caused any damage yet? Im going to give my mum a call and see if she can help out with a bit of dosh. I know she'll help but I feel so stupid....being with my partner has just dragged me down. I used to have perfect credit and have all my finances sorted, monthly budget etc...but he has just ruined everything. Ive let it go on for far too long...damn

OP posts:
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