Am I being naive about my relationship with this man....(long)

[AmInaive]

A few months ago I met DP - since then I've been lurking a lot here as he has two kids and I'm childless so the concept of being the evil step mother had me freaking. From the minute we met the chemistry was there - not just sex but we just clicked. So we went out and shared our histories. I've recently come out of a long term abusive relationship - earl last year - and he's just settled a divorce thats been going on three years. In those three years he had a break down and ended moving into a house share with his mate and the woman who owned the house with his mate.

Now, over the last couple of years when he got invites for DP and guest, he took this woman. If he's being honest then he did kind of lead her along but more for companionship rather than any intention of having a long term relationship.

Since about the third week we were together we have been talking long term. Moving in together, getting married etc however the problem is he needs to be sure because if he moves out of this house share to move in with me and we split up then he'd be homeless if it happened within a year or two. His credit is shot - part of the hangover from the divorce, he'd never get a lease in his own name and would have to start over in a new share etc. There is an age gap - he's in his early 50s and I'm mid thirties but is not an issue on either side.

I've just had to find a long term let as my flat was being sold from under me and am moving into an unfurnished house. I was looking to do that before we met but couldnt find somewhere. Now I have and I move in a month. The unspoken agreement is that at some point he will move in withe me - and we have both agreed that that will be "when the time is right". Neither of us want to rush into this - after all if we're right together then we have years so 6-12 months doesnt make a difference. And I'm fine with that. However in the mean time I have to see him go home to his house to his friend. I 100% believe they are not doing anything sexual - whether they have in the past I don't know, and I really don't care. However sometimes I have a few nagging doubts like now, hence the reason I'm asking the panel.

For:

1. His family(father, sister etc) know about me and that we're probably going to get married one day and have asked what he's going to do about X - he's said well I've never said there was going to be anything long term she has just assumed
2. His work mates know about me (and for various reasons in my life I know most of his workmates and they know who I am and I see them often)
3. He talks to my friends and them to him
4. He'll literally do anything for me with no complaints and does stuff I don't ask or expect him to
5. He's aware of most of my faults and me his and we can deal with them (I'm a slob and he's a neat freak)
6. If it wasnt for the living arrangement he has I would not have an issue at all

Against:

1. We have not said how we'll know when the time is right, I guess I just assume we'll know. But I fear I'll end up being the perennial other woman if at some point I don't say fish or cut bait. But then is she not now the other woman? I get confused over this.
2. He works shifts, including weekends, and I work away mon-fri - getting time together that is NORMAL rather than heading to bed is difficult. I can't change my job and he can't change his. When we have done stuff such as go to the amusement park (two people our age on the dogems!) it been great, absolutely no issue, but I fear if we can't spend normal time together how will we know when the time is right
3. He sometimes jokes with his work mates that his girlfriend in X knows about the girlfriend in Y but Y doesnt know about X. That makes me feel cheap and I sometimes think it outweights all of 1-6 but knowing his sense of humour and the fact I've never called him on it tells me I'm being unreasonable

I don't know, I'm just confused. Part of me knows that I will wait until he's sure because I know after what he's been through that its going to be a major leap for him to move out with no safety net and until then the pretence with Y needs to stay. However I don't want to be taken for a mug.

A few times I've reacted badly to things he's done but on running them by friends and then telling him about them I've realised it was just me projecting my ex-relationship on him. I expect to be treated badly so therefore I look for it in everything. Not once has he been less than honest or treated me in anyway badly. I could list some of the things he's done for me (like drive 50 mile round trip to fetch me from an airport rather than me having to take a bus at 11pm - which I am perfectly used to doing, coming over and cleaning my flat, buying new bedding because I'd been ill the day before I had to go away to work and hadnt had a chance to clean or change the bed - d&v it was ugly and if not self employed I would not have gone)

I guess I just want some thoguhts on the above.

No they don't - I have seen the living arrangements via a web cam - including her room and his room. ok it could be a set up but I don't think so.

She is older than him and needy and I think just latched on to - do you want to come to xyz as my guest and he was stupid enough to keep doing it

Good luck anyway.

Op if this is how you have 'benefited' from lots of counselling then I honestly think it's done you more harm than good. Straight talking is what you need but you have been getting that here and are choosing to ignore it.

You are not even being naive, just wilfully stupid.

Or just getting what he/she wanted perhaps?!

You are being deliberately obtuse now OP.

Go ahead and be this guy's rescuer. Let him move into your pre-paid flat. Do you really trust that when he does, he will pay you his share of the rent? I'd be willing to bet that once his feet are under your table, suddenly there will be another financial 'crisis' and it will be up to you to come to the rescue again.

Since e already know that he has a huge sense of entitlement and is callous and selfish, it oughtn't to come as a surprise to you when you find out he's been keeping landlady woman on the go for kicks behind your back too.

Good luck with it all. You'll need it.

Look- get a grip please.

You are making your neuroses his.

There is absolutely no reason why a man of 50 odd can't find a room to rent somewhere. What the hell if it's 6 month's money "wasted" if you ever get together at yours before then.

Stop making excuses for him. he's a grown up not a child.

you are coming over as a drma queen- enjoying the role of being a secret.

This is what pisses me off , arses coming on looking for (faked) help/sympathy and other people who could do with our time are left waiting.

I was asking a question - not looking for fake sympathy

But I don't look for the worst in people - I used to and maybe I've gone too far the wrong way

If I can put myself in someones shoes and think I could see how I'd do the same I can see how they feel

My issue - which is long winded is - once I have my own place - secure as secure as a rental can be - how long before I say fish or cut bait

You know something isn't right here. Almost everyone on this thread agrees. Listen to your instincts.

kaumana have you reported the thread then or are you just hanging round on it coughing "bullshit" into your fist?

"other people who could do with our time"

eh? Honestly if you feel you should be providing some sort of service elsewhere we don't mind if you have to shoot off early and go and get on with that.

Trollhunters eh?

Here's you answer- Stop fishing .

Well, to address your 'fish or cut bait' question: after 4 months it's way too soon imo to even be thinking about moving in together or anything like that. As I said upthread, declarations of love and talk of marriage only weeks into a new relationship are Red Flags.

But, I think that is a moot point anyway because, going on everything you've already posted, this man doesn't sound like a nice guy. He sounds at best a coward and at worst a machiavellian operator.

I'd be cutting my losses now and running for the hills if I were you.

Paisley, I don't report threads I don't like and yeah I'll cough bull shit into my hand and yes , I can't be arsed with spending time finding out I have wasted time with a troll as do others.