Am I being naive about my relationship with this man....(long)

[AmInaive]

A few months ago I met DP - since then I've been lurking a lot here as he has two kids and I'm childless so the concept of being the evil step mother had me freaking. From the minute we met the chemistry was there - not just sex but we just clicked. So we went out and shared our histories. I've recently come out of a long term abusive relationship - earl last year - and he's just settled a divorce thats been going on three years. In those three years he had a break down and ended moving into a house share with his mate and the woman who owned the house with his mate.

Now, over the last couple of years when he got invites for DP and guest, he took this woman. If he's being honest then he did kind of lead her along but more for companionship rather than any intention of having a long term relationship.

Since about the third week we were together we have been talking long term. Moving in together, getting married etc however the problem is he needs to be sure because if he moves out of this house share to move in with me and we split up then he'd be homeless if it happened within a year or two. His credit is shot - part of the hangover from the divorce, he'd never get a lease in his own name and would have to start over in a new share etc. There is an age gap - he's in his early 50s and I'm mid thirties but is not an issue on either side.

I've just had to find a long term let as my flat was being sold from under me and am moving into an unfurnished house. I was looking to do that before we met but couldnt find somewhere. Now I have and I move in a month. The unspoken agreement is that at some point he will move in withe me - and we have both agreed that that will be "when the time is right". Neither of us want to rush into this - after all if we're right together then we have years so 6-12 months doesnt make a difference. And I'm fine with that. However in the mean time I have to see him go home to his house to his friend. I 100% believe they are not doing anything sexual - whether they have in the past I don't know, and I really don't care. However sometimes I have a few nagging doubts like now, hence the reason I'm asking the panel.

For:

1. His family(father, sister etc) know about me and that we're probably going to get married one day and have asked what he's going to do about X - he's said well I've never said there was going to be anything long term she has just assumed
2. His work mates know about me (and for various reasons in my life I know most of his workmates and they know who I am and I see them often)
3. He talks to my friends and them to him
4. He'll literally do anything for me with no complaints and does stuff I don't ask or expect him to
5. He's aware of most of my faults and me his and we can deal with them (I'm a slob and he's a neat freak)
6. If it wasnt for the living arrangement he has I would not have an issue at all

Against:

1. We have not said how we'll know when the time is right, I guess I just assume we'll know. But I fear I'll end up being the perennial other woman if at some point I don't say fish or cut bait. But then is she not now the other woman? I get confused over this.
2. He works shifts, including weekends, and I work away mon-fri - getting time together that is NORMAL rather than heading to bed is difficult. I can't change my job and he can't change his. When we have done stuff such as go to the amusement park (two people our age on the dogems!) it been great, absolutely no issue, but I fear if we can't spend normal time together how will we know when the time is right
3. He sometimes jokes with his work mates that his girlfriend in X knows about the girlfriend in Y but Y doesnt know about X. That makes me feel cheap and I sometimes think it outweights all of 1-6 but knowing his sense of humour and the fact I've never called him on it tells me I'm being unreasonable

I don't know, I'm just confused. Part of me knows that I will wait until he's sure because I know after what he's been through that its going to be a major leap for him to move out with no safety net and until then the pretence with Y needs to stay. However I don't want to be taken for a mug.

A few times I've reacted badly to things he's done but on running them by friends and then telling him about them I've realised it was just me projecting my ex-relationship on him. I expect to be treated badly so therefore I look for it in everything. Not once has he been less than honest or treated me in anyway badly. I could list some of the things he's done for me (like drive 50 mile round trip to fetch me from an airport rather than me having to take a bus at 11pm - which I am perfectly used to doing, coming over and cleaning my flat, buying new bedding because I'd been ill the day before I had to go away to work and hadnt had a chance to clean or change the bed - d&v it was ugly and if not self employed I would not have gone)

I guess I just want some thoguhts on the above.

AmInaive, I agree with the advice given by most of the posters. I can understand why you are saying you don't want him to have to take a 6 month let if you two will be moving in anyway. But honestly, I believe that is not your problem. He can click on gumtree or similar, find a room to let in absolutely no time and without needing any 'guarantor'.

He is the one stringing landlady woman along while seeing you (?stringing you along) and you are the one doing all the soul searching and worrying?

Try to step back and look at the situation, your original post, objectively. Pretend you're reading it and it was someone else that wrote it. Can you see yourself thinking 'why doesn't she tell him to move out before anything further is discussed?' The landlady person could even get a new man and kick yours out today. He would have to find a flat/room whether he had met you or not. Do you really think he would be in a hostel or homeless?

I hope things work out well for you whatever you decide though. Good luck.

Oops cross-posted with your drinking post.

Have you ever had counselling, OP? You sound like someone very vulnerable and I think this man is lining you up to do a right number on you.

Any woman with robust self-esteem would see this situation as completely untenable and walk away. I wonder why you don't see it that way and are determined to stay in this relationship despite the fact that, to us, it sounds shit.

Well done1

I'm experienced on other message boards - I was expecting someone to say that given some of the responses I've seen

I'm not an internet newbie - I know how message boards work - trust me, I'm not a poster

I know its not his ex wife as she is married and is on his facebook because of the kids

That was meant to be a ! Do I get a cookie or something?

My self esteem actually is really good now and was before I met him - my nerves are just fear of ending up with another ex-DP

"I know its not his ex wife as she is married and is on his facebook because of the kids"

I've read this sentence a couple of times but it doesn't make sense.

She's not his ex wife, but she's his facebook friend because of his kids??

Even if he's not sleeping with landlady woman, he is still letting her think there could be something between them just so he can keep a roof over his head. It doesn't matter how she feels, as long as he's alright.

That is selfish and cruel of him and doesn't paint him in a good light at all. I could not respect or like a man who behaved this way.

I don't really understand what you see in him.

yes, she is a face book friend - she has a husband - very clearly so - they won't let their kids have FB as they are too young so they use his and hers accounts if they want to send messages or comment on stuff from the kids etc

Yawn...

OK, we digress. What I really want to know is: how do you feel about the way your boyfriend is treating her? Do you not think it's shitty? Do you not think that says something about his character, that he is a coward and a manipulator, and is selfish?

I'd thought the work colleagues disliked you because he might be breaking some sort of code of conduct by seeing you, being someone who who was helping you in a professional capacity.

Christ you must be more bored than me..

"Even if he's not sleeping with landlady woman, he is still letting her think there could be something between them just so he can keep a roof over his head. It doesn't matter how she feels, as long as he's alright."

And that is the thing - I don't like it but I can't hand on heart think I wouldnt do the same in his shoes. I've been within weeks of being homeless because my land lord was sellling up and I couldnt pass a credit check because I'm on the verge of BR. Finally found a landlady who would take the entire lease up front from the funds from my house in advance of the BR.

She came around and inspected where I was living, asked for full copy of my rent payments for the last year (all on time) and is ok with that.

However if I had no formal renting history, would I be willing to put myself at mercy of gumtree if I was comfy where I was - probably not

Oh please . Off you fuck! run along now....

But a decent person wouldn't be comfy where he was. At the mercy of gumtree'? er... It's not that terrifying really!

BTW, there is nothing wrong with Gumtree. When I was flatsharing I found loads of great flatmates via that site, so I think he needs to stop stringing two women along so he can feel good about himself being so precious and sort himself out if he's serious about being with you.

I think that's pretty callous and selfish that you'd let someone think that they were in a relationship with you just so that you could live with them.

When you say things like that it makes me think that you do have low self-esteem. There's no way I, or any of my friends (male and female) would ever be parasitic and self-serving like that.

I think your standards are pretty low and you probably have a lot of work to do on yourself before you start a new relationship tbh. You didn't answer my question about counselling - is it something you've ever looked into?

I agree with madonnawhore. He just doesn't sound like a very nice man :(

"I don't like it but I can't hand on heart think I wouldnt do the same in his shoes"

Really? You'd be willing to string someone along, play with their emotions and make a complete fool out of them purely for your own gain? If that is the case then the two of you deserve each other; you just ignore the advice here and carry on as you are.

That's because he doesn't exist!

If this is a troll thread it's really, really weird.

Gumtree is great - I had a lovely flatshare for 3 years due to gumtree. And really cheap too.

You really need to step back and see what he wants to do with himself. Do not make this other woman your issue. If he wants to clear the way by moving out elsewhere - great. If he isn't willing to unless he come to your house (to scab off you) then I would hear alarm bells tbh., I know you think ti is forever, but after 4 months only, forever is a really long time away! Take your time getting there for goodness sake.

They must share the same bed. Why else would she think he is hers?

Have you asked about the living arrangements?

I've had a lot of counselling - believe me - I've come a long way from the person who sat on a platform for 2 hours waiting to throw themselves under a train

And yes, sorry - mercy of gumtree is terrifying for people - me and him included - who have never before had anything other than a mortgage and our own place. Me renting scares me even though an agency!

Oh God I give up...