Am I being naive about my relationship with this man....(long)

[AmInaive]

A few months ago I met DP - since then I've been lurking a lot here as he has two kids and I'm childless so the concept of being the evil step mother had me freaking. From the minute we met the chemistry was there - not just sex but we just clicked. So we went out and shared our histories. I've recently come out of a long term abusive relationship - earl last year - and he's just settled a divorce thats been going on three years. In those three years he had a break down and ended moving into a house share with his mate and the woman who owned the house with his mate.

Now, over the last couple of years when he got invites for DP and guest, he took this woman. If he's being honest then he did kind of lead her along but more for companionship rather than any intention of having a long term relationship.

Since about the third week we were together we have been talking long term. Moving in together, getting married etc however the problem is he needs to be sure because if he moves out of this house share to move in with me and we split up then he'd be homeless if it happened within a year or two. His credit is shot - part of the hangover from the divorce, he'd never get a lease in his own name and would have to start over in a new share etc. There is an age gap - he's in his early 50s and I'm mid thirties but is not an issue on either side.

I've just had to find a long term let as my flat was being sold from under me and am moving into an unfurnished house. I was looking to do that before we met but couldnt find somewhere. Now I have and I move in a month. The unspoken agreement is that at some point he will move in withe me - and we have both agreed that that will be "when the time is right". Neither of us want to rush into this - after all if we're right together then we have years so 6-12 months doesnt make a difference. And I'm fine with that. However in the mean time I have to see him go home to his house to his friend. I 100% believe they are not doing anything sexual - whether they have in the past I don't know, and I really don't care. However sometimes I have a few nagging doubts like now, hence the reason I'm asking the panel.

For:

1. His family(father, sister etc) know about me and that we're probably going to get married one day and have asked what he's going to do about X - he's said well I've never said there was going to be anything long term she has just assumed
2. His work mates know about me (and for various reasons in my life I know most of his workmates and they know who I am and I see them often)
3. He talks to my friends and them to him
4. He'll literally do anything for me with no complaints and does stuff I don't ask or expect him to
5. He's aware of most of my faults and me his and we can deal with them (I'm a slob and he's a neat freak)
6. If it wasnt for the living arrangement he has I would not have an issue at all

Against:

1. We have not said how we'll know when the time is right, I guess I just assume we'll know. But I fear I'll end up being the perennial other woman if at some point I don't say fish or cut bait. But then is she not now the other woman? I get confused over this.
2. He works shifts, including weekends, and I work away mon-fri - getting time together that is NORMAL rather than heading to bed is difficult. I can't change my job and he can't change his. When we have done stuff such as go to the amusement park (two people our age on the dogems!) it been great, absolutely no issue, but I fear if we can't spend normal time together how will we know when the time is right
3. He sometimes jokes with his work mates that his girlfriend in X knows about the girlfriend in Y but Y doesnt know about X. That makes me feel cheap and I sometimes think it outweights all of 1-6 but knowing his sense of humour and the fact I've never called him on it tells me I'm being unreasonable

I don't know, I'm just confused. Part of me knows that I will wait until he's sure because I know after what he's been through that its going to be a major leap for him to move out with no safety net and until then the pretence with Y needs to stay. However I don't want to be taken for a mug.

A few times I've reacted badly to things he's done but on running them by friends and then telling him about them I've realised it was just me projecting my ex-relationship on him. I expect to be treated badly so therefore I look for it in everything. Not once has he been less than honest or treated me in anyway badly. I could list some of the things he's done for me (like drive 50 mile round trip to fetch me from an airport rather than me having to take a bus at 11pm - which I am perfectly used to doing, coming over and cleaning my flat, buying new bedding because I'd been ill the day before I had to go away to work and hadnt had a chance to clean or change the bed - d&v it was ugly and if not self employed I would not have gone)

I guess I just want some thoguhts on the above.

Look- no matter what he has done- ie spending money which he supposedly hasn't got) or helping you out- none of that changes for one minute the fact that he is deceiving the woman whose house he lodges in.

In fact has it never crossed your mind that he is so kind to you to assuage his guilt about his situation and to reel you in?

grow up, please.

I don't expect him to move in with me the day I move, however I'm a bit unsure as to how long I leave it before we make steps/

I don't want him to move out into a six month let costing him more money or a new house share with potential clashes if he's going to move in with me

But I don't want to be here in 18 months waiting for the right time.

Thre is going to come a point where I tell him to fish or cut baight. Right now, I know he's scared so I'll let him fish but it wont last forever

Right, I actually think he should move out of where he is and you should wait til all of that weird stuff is over. It's nothing to do with you, and it's weird tbh. If he wants to not be with her, he should move out. Not with you, that should be something in it's own right. By getting away from her and moving in with you, it's all the wrong way round.

Wait til he is no strings attached and start afresh (kids obviously come with him, but freaky non girlfriends really don't need to)

you are over thinking it.

move into your flat. get on with your life. Stop trying to see so far ahead. This is a very new relationship.

tell him you won't see him unless he moves out of her house.

otherwise you risk being the OW in his life.

I really don't know why you asked- your guts tell you one thing- but you constantly defend him and try to rationlise/excuse his behaviour.

Do what you want.

I have to ask What is so appealling about this guy? Because all I see is reasons to run like the wind in the other direction!

Where is you selfworth?

Actually my guts tell me he's being straight with me

Its my head that is telling me otherwise however the last time I trusted my head I ended up in an abusive 8 year relationship so I'm tempted to go with guts

4months= 16 weeks.

you have never seen his home.
he is living with another woman who thinks they have a relationship.

why in god's name is either of you talking of marriage?

much much too soon.

so why are you posting?

if you think he is being straight, fine.

Even if he were to ever move in with you, how would you know he wouldn't still be seeing the house-share girlfriend? Especially with you working away and his shifts etc.
You know, maybe he's a nice guy and this all stems from him not wanting to hurt anyone - but actually by behaving this way he is going to hurt people. Or on the other hand perhaps he's just a typical example of a fella who wants his cake and eat it too. Either way isn't good news.

aminaive - You have had good advice in the posts above.

You have mentioned that perhaps your past choices lead you into a bad relationship.. so..knowing this why don't you take a step back and take your time.

And do you want kids? Because a lyiing 50 odd year old man is probably not great choice of Dad. I know that sounds mean....but you could probaby do a lot better.

What us appealing about this guy?

1. Well its not his looks in an adonis moment. When I met him I was in a foul mood, he aske me if he could help me in his professional capacity as I'd never met him - I went calm. From that moment on we just clicked

1. I know the facts about his divorce etc as he's talked to me and shown me solicitors letters etc

1. He makes me laugh

1. Apart from his sense of humour and the jokes about the other girlfriend, he's never once done anything to make me feel bad

1. He's defended me to some of his colleagues who dislike me getting told he's an idiot for getting involved with me

1. If it were not for his living situation I would have absolutely nothing to fear.

HOWEVER:

Having been trying to get a rental with a poor credit rating, and that is without being bankrupt (yet) and with my landlord putting my flat up for sale, I know how it feels to think about where can I live if I can't rent. Private rentals near here go for the same as agency and are in crap buildings. I can understand the apprehension if, as his family and he has said, all it has been is a casual relationship which she took too far

Never wanted kids, never do. His kids are 12 and 10 and are about the age I can deal with them (I have a nephew and niece - well the kids of a friend who are the same age - I deal with them much better than when they were small). I'm grateful he's had the snip

I'm sorry but if that is what your "positive list " is get out of the relationship now.

That is why I've been lurking to try to work out how to deal with step kids or if I have to be anything other than Aunty AmINaive as I am to my friends kids

If I were you...and had strong feelings for a man like this...I would back out of it...temporarily...to see if he got it together enough to leave her house.

He COULD if he really wanted to....he could prove himself...get a bedsit or a private rental...they're in the paper all the time...he might have to save the deposit up...but you can do it if you want to enough.

THen once he was in a place of his own I would reconsider.

What does it take for you to hear what we are saying?
after 16 weeks with a man who lies, is bankrupt, had a breakdown etc...
you are fantasising about being a good step mum?

And what about his work colleagues who put you down? Nice. what kind of a relationship does he have withthem if they think they can say that

Why do his colleagues dislike you?

Lots of people make me laugh. Doesn't mean I'd contemplate marrying them.

Tbh this whole situation sounds like a nightmare. I'd get out, and fast.

How often do you see this guy?

Why did his colleagues dislike me>

Because about 8 years ago - about how long I've known them for reasons I can't say

I was an aggressive drunk. I once told a mother I hoped her child died a painful death that she had to watch so she could understand how miserable I'd been for the last two hours of having to listen to it scream.

I'd drank three bottles of wine which is no excuse for what I said. The fact I'm admitting it here means I'm going to go down in peoples estimation but I admit it and I'm not that person anymore. Various other behaviours similar, including calling police etc had been witnessed so - some really like me if I wasnt drunk when I saw them, the ones that did, saw me in my worst light.

The drink is why I'm probably going to have to go BR myself. And the drink was my way of dealing with the abusive relationship

His colleagues probably put you down because they see it as he's having an affair with you and you are the OW.

If this woman in his house thinks she's having a relationship with him, they must be sleeping together. She can't be that deluded otherwise he ought to be trying to get out of there asap!

How old are you, OP? I can't remember if you've already said. You sound incredibly taken in by this man and I have to say that, honestly, just going on what you've posted, he sounds like a cock lodger, a cruel manipulator and an all round disaster.

Are you completely sure that the woman he's living with isn't actually his ex-wife?

You know that, at the very least, he is capable of keeping up a long-running deceit with someone who believes herself to be close to him. Not a great start to a relationship. I think you need to focus on what works for you- if the relationship works out then you can change your plans accordingly.

You don't mentioned that you have name changed.

For a first post you have certainly had a good response!!!!

I'm well over thirty

How do you know that you're not in a "casual relationship" that you're "taking too far"?