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Original poster

What do I do about this sort of thing?

89 replies

exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:00

H and I are separating
I will stay in the house, he will get a flat.
He earns a lot of money, but we have no savings, because he spends it all.
How can I talk to him about not being so bloody stupid with money?

Warning
His sense of entitlement is huge

I have one of his bank statments in front of me
In the space of one week he withdrew £1200 cash. Spent £300 in one bar, and wait for it.... £4200 on a flight to Australia. He has a ton of airmiles, why couldn't he use them????

Now, it's his money, he earns it. But I know he is not going to stop.
He will be able to afford to pay our mortgage, and a flat for himself, but he is going to have to stop spending like he is Rockefeller.
How can I make him take responsibility?

OP posts:
tribpot · 16/06/2011 13:09

Is it really your problem any more? You will presumably have a financial settlement outlining how much he will give to you for your dc, and how he spends his other dosh has nothing to do with you. Are you worried he won't be able to make his payments because he'll piss the money away on other things? That's understandable but I don't think there's anything you can do in advance of him actually failing to cough up, hopefully other posters will have more advice.

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:14

I know 100% that he will complain about not having any money to do the things he wants. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but he is very manipulative and controlling, so it will become a problem

I was hoping that we could sort the finances out amicably, I have a figure in mind, which should still give him plenty of excess, but if he keeps spending money like this he will come running to me to change things

If he was careful we could both have really nice lifestyles.

OP posts:
SayItLoud · 16/06/2011 13:24

Do you have children together? You don't mention any, so if you do not then I would say it's not anything to do with you any more, you might not make those decisions but from now on it's his money to do as he wishes. If you have children together, it's a different matter though...

Callisto · 16/06/2011 13:27

Actually, I think it is sod all to do with you how he spends his money. As long as he pays up for any children you may have then you need to stay out of his affairs.

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:29

yes, one DS.

I am worried about money for the future.

£2k per month would cover everything for DS and I, but he could spend £2k in a bar, he spends 1k a month on taxis.

It's just ridiculous, we are going to need this money, and he just squanders it

OP posts:
Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:31

Really Callisto?

So it's ok that he spends £4k on a flight and I will have to juggle every penny?

OP posts:
JudysJudgement · 16/06/2011 13:32

its not really anything to do with you

as long as he pays you whats agreed, he can spend the rest on wining and dining Jordan's granny if he likes

Callisto · 16/06/2011 13:32

How old is your child? Why do you think your ex should fund your lifestyle?

JudysJudgement · 16/06/2011 13:32

So it's ok that he spends £4k on a flight and I will have to juggle every penny?

Yes because ITS HIS MONEY THAT HE EARNS

whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/06/2011 13:33

What on Earth!! 1k on taxis??

As long as he gives you your agreed amount on payday though what difference does it make? Has he given you any indication that he is not willing to make a contribution to the care of his son?

Callisto · 16/06/2011 13:33

Yes, exhausted. You should earn your own money.

Wafflepuss · 16/06/2011 13:35

Why don't you get a job and pay for things yourself.

Why should he provide you with a "nice" lifestyle? He needs to ensure his children are provided for but your OP sounds like you expect to be "kept" and unfortunately for you he is not obliged to do so.

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:35

DS is 3½.
He won't be "funding my lifestyle" he will be paying the mortgage and bills.
There won't be any extras

Ok, I get it, he can spend his money on what he likes

OP posts:
whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/06/2011 13:36

I fail to see that if he has agreed to give you a couple of grand a month to live on that you will be 'juggling every penny'?

Explain a little more so that we can understand the circumstances.

friendcat · 16/06/2011 13:36

wow. i mean wow.

How are you juggling pennies? Get a lawyer.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/06/2011 13:37

Gosh it sounds to me that he is being hugely generous. I wish I had somebody to 'just' pay the mortgage and bills!! You could get a job then and have a fair bit to spend as well!!

Wafflepuss · 16/06/2011 13:38

Also, have to say having reread your OP that you sound like the one with the huge sense of entitlement. He has earned this money presumably by working hard, you expect just to be given money.

Callisto · 16/06/2011 13:39

He will be funding your lifestyle. As far as I can see you won't be earning anything and will be living off what he earns. £2k a month is a lot of money, more than a lot of people earn and manage to live off.

eurochick · 16/06/2011 13:43

He should provide for his son but otherwise you need to earn your own money. If he wants to spend his money on flights, taxis and booze, that's his look out once he has contributed to the cost of keeping the kid.

sparks · 16/06/2011 13:48

You asked 'How can I make him take responsibility?' The short answer is you can't. It may not be right, but that's how it is, I'm afraid. Presumably his huge sense of entitlement and nobbish behaviour has something to do with why you are separating.

If he complains about having to keep a roof over his child's head, ignore him. It's his responsibility to support his own child. If he doesn't pay, that's another story.

Agree that you need to get a lawyer. Forget about trying to be 'amicable' with someone you think will be 'very manipulative and controlling.' The way to protect your son's interests is to get a properly agreed settlement.

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:49

Bloody Hell!

I do earn my own money, I do work

He is abusive, manipulative and controlling, and I'm not scared he won't give me any money, I am scared of the abuse that will come with it.

I am just aghast at how much he wastes, when I know we will need it

I just wrote more, but lost it when MN went offline

Do you all honestly think I am sitting at home, counting his money, and working out what holidays I can go on?

He controls the money, I don't see any of it.

OP posts:
feckwit · 16/06/2011 13:52

you just have to go through csa and get an agreement of what you are entitled to, 15% of his salary or so?

akaEmmaFrost · 16/06/2011 13:52

I see what you are saying OP. My ex squanders his money in the same way, he doesn't pay me £2k a month though, if only!

I do actually think that it is to do with you as well, as I can't see where it says you are divorced yet. Are you a SAHM? Because that has to be considered as well, if you gave up your career in agreement with him to bring up your child.

I think it is only natural to find this worrying when you have a child to worry about. Not sure there is much you can do about it though.

MooMooFarm · 16/06/2011 13:57

exhausted if you weren't able to influence what he did with his money when you were together, you're certainly not going to be able to now.

So don't waste your time worrying about it. But do get a lawyer or at least work out a regular payment agreement through the CSA. I don't see how you can work out anything 'amicably' with somebody who is abusive to you.

swanker · 16/06/2011 13:58

He is paying your entire mortgage and your bills? Shock

Goodness- however will you manage?

Especially as you work too...

Sorry if this seems unsympathetic, but MN is stuffed with threads where mums are struggling because ex provides £2.50 a week (no exaggeration). He seems to be providing far in excess of what other ex-partners are providing.

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