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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do about this sort of thing?

89 replies

exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 13:00

H and I are separating
I will stay in the house, he will get a flat.
He earns a lot of money, but we have no savings, because he spends it all.
How can I talk to him about not being so bloody stupid with money?

Warning
His sense of entitlement is huge

I have one of his bank statments in front of me
In the space of one week he withdrew £1200 cash. Spent £300 in one bar, and wait for it.... £4200 on a flight to Australia. He has a ton of airmiles, why couldn't he use them????

Now, it's his money, he earns it. But I know he is not going to stop.
He will be able to afford to pay our mortgage, and a flat for himself, but he is going to have to stop spending like he is Rockefeller.
How can I make him take responsibility?

OP posts:
Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 14:01

I did see a solicitor, and she was licking her lips, talking about his pension and his shares.

I don't want that

I just said we could split everything 50/50, because he wouldn't agree to anything else.

He earns above the maximum taken into consideration for CSA, I would have to apply to the courts for more

And before you all jump in, I don't live in a mansion, I live in a small terraced house in South London, we have a large mortgage. Childcare costs more than the mortgage

OP posts:
Wafflepuss · 16/06/2011 14:05

Still don't see what you are worried about?

He is paying your mortgage and bills....you earn too so money isn't going to be tight...what exactly is the problem?

akaEmmaFrost · 16/06/2011 14:05

Look, you are entitled to what you are entitled to and thats it. I wouldnt give a stuff about being labelled as greedy. I WOULD apply to the courts. If the law recognises your entitlement then seriously combine that with your own conscience and do what needs to be done. Whose to say he could have got as far ahead in his career without you working as a team with him, anyway. Fucking hell I cant believe some of the hateful responses on here.

Just because some Mums have to struggle (and I am one of them!) then it doesnt mean we all should.

MooMooFarm · 16/06/2011 14:06

Then find a different solicitor OP. You are employing her to come up with whatever agreement you want - it's not for her to decide. Yes she's only doing her job by telling you what you can do, but you decide what you want to do.

newfashionedmum · 16/06/2011 14:09

Hi Exhausted - you are getting a bit of an unfair flaming here I think.

I can see why you're concerned - what you're going to need to do is get some financial control and independance legally agreed.

When you say he controls the money - if you mean the plan is he will pay the bills and mortgage directly - then I think you definately need to arrange for him to put the 2k direct into your personal account. a joint account is not going to work is it. Also ideally it should cover not just mortgage and bills but regular amount into a fund for maintenance on the house. Presumably you can't but him out of the house? There's a risk he'll use his ownership/joint ownership to control you. Perhaps at the back of your mind begin to prepare for the possibility of moving into a place of your own with DS. I'm not for advocating moving DS from his home at a time which'll be hard for him anyway, but it might be better than the alternative of a stressed mum still at the mercy of his dad's controlling behaviour.

your ex sounds as though he maybe has some mental health issues or a mild personality disorder, and/or moves in extremely wealthy circles - which in some ways are now not your concern but it will affect your son as he grows up. However, his dad is his dad and you can't change that - you will just need to be a counterpoint and show him there's a different way of running one's life. try not to be critical of your ex to your DS, just tell him (in an age appropriate way as he gets older) like it is but as diplomatically as you can.

good luck and well done for making the break.

MooMooFarm · 16/06/2011 14:09

BTW I agree that some of the responses are a bit venomous - but I think the problem is that you're still seeing your (soon to be X) H's income as your own. It isn't any more.

That's why you need to get an agreement in place so you know how much you are getting from him from now on. And what he does with the rest is up to him - fact.

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 14:10

I know this thread may seem insensitive, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the exact figures.
I've read those threads, I do live in the real world, honestly. It's my husband that doesn't.
I have friends that have received nothing from their fuckwit boyfriends, and believe it or not I don't have money coming out of my ears

My husband earns a lot of money, and he wastes it.
The money I earn fluctuates, so I have to plan ahead.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH HE PAYS ME, IT'S ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WASTES.

OP posts:
Callisto · 16/06/2011 14:11

You have drip-fed information. Find a different solicitor. Deal with your ex through the solicitor only. I don't really understand your dilemma tbh.

newfashionedmum · 16/06/2011 14:11

buy him out sorry

mummytime · 16/06/2011 14:11

Listen to the lawyer!!!! There is no such thing really as amicable when discussing money.
If you don't have your own pension then take 50% of his if they will give it to you. There are reasons that you have been given certain rights.

women worse off after divorce

akaEmmaFrost · 16/06/2011 14:11

I don't think it is insensitive. It is a problem YOU are having and as such are entitled to post as much as the next person.

oldwomaninashoe · 16/06/2011 14:12

Don't discount what the solicitor is saying, you never know what life is going to throw at you, and you need to protect your sons future from ex's extravagances.

MooMooFarm · 16/06/2011 14:13

But OP that's the point and you don't seem to get it! How much he wastes will be none of your business anymore! As long as you recieve what has been agreed, he can piss the rest of it up against the wall if he wants to.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/06/2011 14:13

I am confused op - not saying that in a nasty way - just don't think you are getting your point across.

If you get what you are entitled to, why are you concerned. You talk about money "we will need" but you are not entitled to his money, just the money he is ordered to pay you.
Why will you need it if your mortgage and bills are paid? I hope you get everything you can - as he does not sound like a particularly nice man. Take what you can to provide for your child and let him dig himself out his hole when he hasn't a pot to piss in.

akaEmmaFrost · 16/06/2011 14:15

As my solicitor said to me, "even the LAW accepts that you and your children should be supported by your ex husband in line with his income, his or anyone elses opinion is irrelevant". - my first one ever!

Wafflepuss · 16/06/2011 14:15

But Exhusted can't you see that how he spends/wastes/ uses his money is up to him? He is your Ex, his income and expenditure is nothing to do with you as long as he pays what you agree in your terms of separation. He can buy a million pounds worth of jelly babies a day if he wants too and there's nothing you can or should do about it. Clearly I am missing your point but even with your qualifying posts above I still don't get it. He is paying for your home and living expenses, what else do you want from him?

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 14:16

fuck
it's taken me nearly 2 years to leave him

and I feel like you lot have just taken me right back to square 1
Yes I know it's only words on a page

you have no idea
I'm leaving this now, because it fucking hurts

OP posts:
AnyF · 16/06/2011 14:17

If you are splitting form him, you have no say in how he spends his money after he has paid an agreed, fair X amount in child support for your DS.

It really is as simple as that. I sympathise, in that his profligacy and manic spending patterns are annoying, but I can see why you are getting flamed, tbh

You are choosing to divorce him for his controlling and his abuse. So make it so. Get your financial settlement/affairs sorted to your satisfaction and then leave him to his own life. Only where it directly impacts on ds is where you need to take notice.

Isn't that what you wanted ?

Callisto · 16/06/2011 14:17

I revert to my original post then. It is sod all to do with you how he spends HIS money.

AnyF · 16/06/2011 14:19

exhausted, I have posted to you lots, but really, you still worrying and taking such an interest in his spending patterns, is not where you want to be

I am very glad you are finally freeing yourself, but with this mindset, you are far from free

leave him to it (but get your financial affairs absolutely locked down first)

and don't go love, people are trying to help you

Original poster
exhausted2011 · 16/06/2011 14:22

I'm so fucking scared of all of this

OP posts:
whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/06/2011 14:25

I am sorry you are hurt....that was not my intention. I think I maybe just don't understand and so should not have commented. Don't go and be all upset. There are people here who do understand and can offer you support.

MooMooFarm · 16/06/2011 14:27

What hullaballoo said Sad

I don't know the backround story so was just responding this thread. I'm sorry you're in such a state.

AnyF · 16/06/2011 14:27

love, if you are not feeling it with the first solicitor, find another one that you trust completely

this rollercoaster will stop eventually, I promise

solicitors are paid to be impartial and give you the very best advice for your own unique situation, find that one you trust and listen

don't be swayed off target by worrying about he is/isn't doing, now nor in the future

it's all part of the detachment process

no wonder you are finding it so very hard after everything you have been through, but you have had good, practical (if blunt) advice here

AnyF · 16/06/2011 14:27

worrying about what he is/isn't doing

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