What do I do about this sort of thing?

[exhausted2011]

H and I are separating
I will stay in the house, he will get a flat.
He earns a lot of money, but we have no savings, because he spends it all.
How can I talk to him about not being so bloody stupid with money?

Warning
His sense of entitlement is huge

I have one of his bank statments in front of me
In the space of one week he withdrew £1200 cash. Spent £300 in one bar, and wait for it.... £4200 on a flight to Australia. He has a ton of airmiles, why couldn't he use them????

Now, it's his money, he earns it. But I know he is not going to stop.
He will be able to afford to pay our mortgage, and a flat for himself, but he is going to have to stop spending like he is Rockefeller.
How can I make him take responsibility?

Once you have it legally sorted out, you will not feel so worried about what he does with the rest of his income. What you mustn't do is try to come to a fair but informal and unenforcable arrangement with someone who has already demonstrated that he is going to dick you around as much as he possibly can.
Remember you don't need his permission to get legal advice. Just go and get some (and don't tell him beforehand or he will start hiding money).

AF, thank you. I am lovely, I know I am.

Saffysmum- I like to think he doesn't completely control me, but since I have realised he is a controlling angry man, it is a lot easier to give in. Me fighting my corner, makes him worse.
he's not physically abusive, but now he just twists everything and if we row i am honestly open mouthed at the nonsense he comes out with. But I find it hard to find the right words to use with him, he seems to tangle me up in knots and it all gets so confusing.

Ultimately he doesn't believe that me being a SAHM for 3 years was of any value.
He forgets that it was my credit rating that got us a mortgage in the first place. He forgets that it was my deposit, he forgets that I cashed in everything I had for us to get this house. His contribution was £2k.
He had nothing. He moved in with me with the clothes on his back, no furniture, nothing.
I have made us a home. I drilled the holes for the curtain rails, I found the really expensive curtains for £20 each, I cleaned and varnished the slate floor, I painted the rooms, I made the garden, I maintain the garden. I found the beautiful bed linen for a bargain price in TKMaxx, 90% of the furniture is mine.

Fuck him

Yes, fuck him

And if you don't go down the legal route, I am afraid all that you have contributed will be for nought

He may not acknowledge it, but the divorce court certainly will

Exhausted - is he still living with you at the moment?

I would suggest that you stop trying to reason with someone who is so blatantly unreasonable. You can't second guess him and try and act in a way that is unfair to you just so that he might not kick off. I would agree with the other posters that you need to do this legally. It doesn't matter what he thinks about that - it is your and your DC's right legally. You need to get it in writing otherwise he will just mess you around later.

Also, you need to stop engaging with him. He is a nasty controlling bully but you don't need to let him have that power over you any more - after all you are separating. Don't get involved in these arguments when he twists everything around - you are never going to prove to him that you are right. He always wants to win the argument doesn't he? So better not to have one in the first place. If he starts just refuse to discuss it and refer him to your solicitor. And if he harasses you then involve the police. You are getting him out of your life - you do not have to put up with his crap any more.

Bugger what he does with the rest of his money once you have sorted out what is legally yours. Why should you care? You need to get him out of your head - then you can get to a stage where your life is your own again and you can stop worrying about what he might do.

Fuck him.

He's been away for 2 weeks, coming back today. He has taken his work stuff to a friend's house who is away for a month. He has a month to find a flat. I know he is going to try to wangle coming back, but this is the furthest I have got! He's never actually moved stuff out before.

I think I feel so much better because he has been away, i feel like I can deal with it. But him coming back is just looming over me.

You are staying in the family home yes And he will be covering the mortgage?

Never mind what he admits to remembering, you remember it and you can tell your lawyer. With documentary evidence if possible.

Scarlet- yes I hope to stay in the home for now, long term I would open to moving, but would like things to stay as they are now for ds.

Annie- was that for me?

Re finances-I have all the details of salary, bonus, shares etc, he can't hide that.

And if he does turn up at your door calling you a bitch because he's not happy with the legal arrangements then call the police. There are systems for dealing with abuse and harassment and he has no right to behave like this.

There is no excuse - no matter if he's not happy with arrangements for contact with DS, money etc etc. None of it allows him to verbally abuse you.

Oh, and have you got a bolt on the door so he can't just let himself in when you're not expecting it?

Had to post in support as I think you've had some horribly unhelpful and unsupportive responses on here. I totally agree with saffysmum, I am in a similar situation to both of you. I supported XH into the career he's in now and gave up mine to move halfway across the country. At the time, it seemed like the best thing to do for our family's future. It's hard to get back in on anywhere near the same level, and I'm currently applying for part time shop work (and not even getting interviews!) while he earns a six figure salary.

On a practical note, I get more than you in maintenance but XH earns nowhere near as much as your H. See a lawyer to get this sorted, take the emotions out of it and get practical. I can totally understand where you're coming from on the squandering aspect. It may be nothing to do with you but it's still galling when you think of how that money could be better used to benefit the dc's. XH has been on over 10 holidays abroad in the last year, for example! Meanwhile I have a dc with SN who badly needs some expensive therapy. For the sake of my sanity, I have to let it go and accept that it is nothing to do with me anymore.

Do keep posting.

I would really encourage you to get legal advice - a number of factors are at play. You do need to have a solution that can work for 15 years (until ds is 18). If financial security is your main concern then I think working and having your own income is the best route. I'm so glad that as a single mun I was in this position - it's hard, hard work but so worth it. You are then responsible and in control of your life. Secondly his income may not always be guaranteed, if he's unreasonable with you he's likely to be similar in work and that could impact his career. You don't want to be in a position where you are are relying on his income and then for it to fade away. Clean breaks would only deal with the financial assets of the marriage not child maintenance so this is something to consider. i.e will he transfer the house to you? Could you get a mortage on your own? Your childcare costs will reduce once your ds goes to school - maybe consider inhouse childcare like an au pair.

Making the split happen is tough going - but keep moving forwards, even if its's small steps towards separating your finances and running your life on it's own.Ignore what he gets up to.

exhausted - I'm not a legal expert but you have had some wise responses here.

What strikes me is that you are still trying to anticipate his unreasonable responses - and prepare yourself to try and argue with him on a rational basis. ie. you are still being controlled by his behaviour and his deeply unrational arguments. I can only imagine how hard this process of detachment is for you - sorry if I missed this but are you having counselling? I hope so - because the key here is creating a settlement, which is fair - not one which suits him because that is easier, but one that is durable and binding - and then you need to have very serious detachment. If, once that deal is done, he complains - you must not think that his behaviour is your problem.

If he chooses to waste money - and comes to you to complain, then you need to set up legal procedures so he cannot contact you. You can't stop this man behaving unreasonably - you are on teh path to being free of him - but you cannot have sleepless nights worrying about him spending his own money - get yours set in stone, whatever suits you and is fair - then move forward to disengaging.

It must be so difficult to get out from this mans shadow - but you will do it, step by step. But - you cannot make him behave reasonably - so dont even try. Protect yourself and keep disengaging. If he wants to waste money, that is not your problem - door locks/ restraining orders/ whatever it takes - get the money agreed in writing then reduce contact and let him see you will not engage in any way.

well done for getting this far - just keep going! x

You can not make this man be reasonable.

You can't make this man be civil.

You cann't make him act more responsibly.

What you can do it is make sure everything financial goes through solicitors (really it is the best way) and CSA. They will take the money from him meaning you'll never have to hassle him for it as he'll only give you grief and that could last for years. I know this is going to be very difficult but you have to stand up for yourself now otherwise he's going to be messing you around for the next 15 or so years!

You can also make sure you never discuss these sorts of things with HIM. It only turns into a row, he will never be resonable about it and if he is it won't be for long.

When you see him, be civil, but if he wants to discuss anything tricky that you know he's likely to get nasty about refuse. Just say "my solicitor is dealing with that".

I know you want a clean break but trying to keep him happy won't get you that. If he agrees to pay you 2k after a few weeks he be moaning it's too much or getting nasty with you. Then he won't pay or pay less, you'll be stressed and it's not worth it. You'd be living at his mercy.

Please go the legal way?! I know your solicitor says it's best to make it amicable but it's not going to be possible with him and it sounds like she doesn't know how difficult it is.

You also need to secure yourself financially in the long run.