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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he having an affair????

36 replies

stevienicks · 15/06/2011 21:46

Sorry I know there are a lot of posts relating to this subject but I feel as though I haven't got enough proof.
My DH has been very tight with the finances for about the last year even though he works lots of overtime. He was deleting all of his phone and computer history but has not been so lately. His phone is never far from his side which is an I phone and is on the computer a lot. The other day I saw that he had a considerable amount of money in his wallet then all of a sudden disappeared. There is no evidence that it has come out of any of the house accounts. My gut feeling that he is up to no good and being somewhat deceptive with our finances. He is talking to someone and I feel its via the facebook or some email service but is being very clever or so he thinks. I am biding my time at the moment as I feel I need something else but don't know how long 1 I can keep it up and 2 if I ever am going to get the proof to kick the ahole in to touch. Help!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Bohica · 15/06/2011 21:48

Could he be gambling?

Can you get hold of phone records, do you have any idea who it may be?

Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 21:50

I don't think so. Have had a look there nothing obvious but if you speak to someone via the internet it just shows up as WAP on bill. There were lots of WAP when I am at work, when he ison his way to work when he isn't with me basically.

OP posts:
Bohica · 15/06/2011 22:02

Can you speak to him, whats your relationship been like recently?

I'm sorry I'm being so direct but I'm multi tasking & didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I'm sure someone better than me will come along shortly.

coproxamol · 15/06/2011 22:05

Will be watching this thread as I am in similar position...think my DH is up to something but have no real tangible proof.

vigglewiggle · 15/06/2011 22:08

Is he/are they suddenly taking more care over their personal appearance? Are they being suddenly critical of you and occasionally over-compensating?

Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:09

Thanks Bohica,

I have questioned him about a few areas and feel that he is hiding something. Relationship been non existent recently when he is off work he either sits in a chair on the computer goes over and over the fianances questioning every penny I spend. Disagrees with any suggestions I have to improve things, decorating the house, looking at other areas to live. Yet he suggested taking out a loan to buy me a car and pay off the credit card and also sp he van go and buy some clothes as he is fed up of having no clothes. He wanted to go on a weeks holiday later on in the year with friends and work collegues which I objected to. He may be still having ideas of going and squirriling the money away for that or another woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:10

Thanks both not really, he knows I know what the obvious signs are. There is another account that he opened up to save for Christmas in which I think he is using.

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 15/06/2011 22:12

Sad sounds as though he is to me.

vigglewiggle · 15/06/2011 22:12

I thought there were a couple of glaring points there!

Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:17

Please share what glaring points you think please as I think I am riding up that river denial.

OP posts:
Bohica · 15/06/2011 22:18

Sounds a bit dodgy. Do you work away from the home stevi or are you a sahm?

The other account, is it joint?

I still wonder if he is hiding financial problems from you as much as it could be an affair.

Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:24

No work part-time.It has my name on it. I don't know of any only an affair costs money and he has to get it from somewhere without making me suspcious

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 15/06/2011 22:26

You mention that he disagrees with your ideas - not unusual in a relationship - but the fact that you mention it suggests that it is unusual for you in some way.

You say that he wants to get himself some new clothes - taking extra care of his appearance?

His planning a holiday with 'friends' and 'colleague' - do you know exactly who these people were> Why were you not invited?

Over-compensating by suggesting you get a new car. This would also cover for his increased spending.

I think you need to do some more digging, but I certainly think some warning signs are there. I would be checking his phone, computer, wallet and car. He is hiding something.

Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:30

Thank you so much. I am glad I am not going mad and his actions do seem suspicious to someone outside friends and family. Even his mum has noticed his behaviour and attitude had changed and asked me what was going on.

OP posts:
coproxamol · 15/06/2011 22:30

Don't agree that having an affair costs money neccessarily. He could be spending time at her place, that costs nothing. He is not forced to be paying for expensive restaurants and flowers, etc.

coproxamol · 15/06/2011 22:33

You say he's doing lots of overtime. Surely this will show up on his payslip. Do you have access to these?

Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:33

True I suppose it depends how long its been going on for. Hopefully the truth will find him out. Thanks everyone for your advice, going to sign off as going to bed but I will keep you posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
stevienicks · 15/06/2011 22:35

Sorry coproxamol yes have checked that one ,it appears to tally so far. He could be taking annual leave when he is daying he is working. As he is being very tight with his leave if I want him to take leave to help ot in holidays etc.

OP posts:
coproxamol · 15/06/2011 22:40

My DH is self employed so leaves the house in the morning and returns ....whenever. So, in theory, he could be doing anything really.
Find it strange re the new car. Why would you think that suspicious?

keelybooboo · 16/06/2011 12:46

my husband convinced me to buy a new car saying i deserved a treat blah blah.....

the day i bought it i found out about the affair.

not helpful i know but just wanted to share, its still pretty fresh - only 3 months ago

oldwomaninashoe · 16/06/2011 13:26

Re the new car, my friends Dh bought her a new car, in hindsight it was about the same time as his affair started.

I think he is sqirrelling money away and making plans, it seems as if he needs to know the amount of all the outgoings from the home.
I would be asking why?????

jennieflower · 16/06/2011 14:11

If you have access to his pc you can download a tool that searches the hard drive for Facebook/msn chats even if they've been deleted. It cost me £20 but was well worth if for me because I ended up with 36 pages of cyber sex chats with 14 different women (I know all of the women in question). It's called fchat, I believe you can get a free trial version which will show you the last 20 messages too which can give you enough evidence to decide whether to buy it.

TeeBee · 16/06/2011 14:27

Has he got himself into money problems and trying to pay it off without you knowing about it?

flyingintheattic · 16/06/2011 17:17

I would agree with TeeBee here, either that or he is planning to leave.

My OH got very funny with money for a bit and started doing loads of overtime, I suspected the worse until I found out that he'd paid for my expensive x-mas presents and our holiday on a credit card, and that he really couldn't afford it but wanted to spoil me. The overtime and scrimping and saving were all to pay of the CC without me knowing.

Original poster
stevienicks · 16/06/2011 19:38

I don't think its the above, nice thought but can't see it, have no big birthday coming up. He was generous for my birthday 2 years ago not sure where the money came for that. Its paid off now with a loan from my parents. I think he is going on this holiday that I objected to in Sept. Thanks for the advice re email thingy. Brill idea, will get onto that.

OP posts: