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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's about sex ... please do not read if you are eating

121 replies

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 11:22

Some things I like, some things I don't.

'D'H interprets this as rules & taboos, he believes if he wants to do something he should be able to even it's a turn off for me, if I don't he feels emasculated and supressed. Nothing major.

Apart from when he spat in my mouth during sex.

He says I have issues, low libido, I am sexually repressed, I need counselling, etc ...

I'm not & I don't!!! (good) sex has always been important to me & it was bloody fantastic with my ex.

Shouldn't sex be about mutual respect?? Am I really abnormal thinking it should be something that's enjoyable for both partners??

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 07/06/2011 13:59

You are actually being sexually abused - do you realise that? You are being told that your boundaries are wrong and a sign of something wrong with you, and you are being made to submit to sexual acts that you find degrading and humilating.

I couldn't live in a relationship where I was being sexually abused, whether or not the guy cooked for me. It will wear you down. Normal, healthy, affirming sexual relationships are not like this. I don't know how clearer to say that.

whomovedmychocolate · 07/06/2011 14:00

abbdabb - just want to check is he a labrador? With the drooling and spitting I mean, it's a possibility.

Tell him if he wants sex to order to go out and pay for it because frankly you are not a chattel. Kick him in the balls 'because I wanted to regardless of whether you like it or not'

Mabelface · 07/06/2011 14:07

First thoughts - dirty twat. Second thoughts - he's a strange, narcissistic and controlling man and I'd be running for the hills.

gapants · 07/06/2011 14:12

op just cannot get my head round you putting up with something that you dislike sexually. If you said so, and he dismissed you, I would be scared. I really would.

I would leave him, even for a few nights, and take stock of my situation. I know that sounds extreme, but unless he can concede that you are well within your rights to say no and have sexually realtions that are pleasurable for both then I am not sure where this relationship can go? Do you?

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 14:12

It's the dealbreaker.

For me, sex is about respect & trust at a time when you are at your most vulnerable. To 'D'H boundaries = restrictions, he thinks I'm a control freak.

OP posts:

gapants · 07/06/2011 14:17

Show him this thread. See what he says then...He is BU!

buzzsore · 07/06/2011 14:21

Eurgh, if his change in sexual attitude coincided with your marriage, it's like he thinks he owns you now you're his wife.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2011 14:29

So it is his opinion that you were allowed boundaries before you were married. But once he had married you, it was his decision as to where your boundaries were to be; and oh, look, he's decided that you don't have any! Because your his wife, he OWNS you. You have ceased, in his eyes, to be a person but are now just a wank toy. Fuck, I am so angry for you. He is beyond unreasonable.

It's a total dealbreaker.

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 14:37

buzzsore - yes, that's what i've been thinking, I told him that marriage doesn't mean he owns me, he's not owed sex. This seemed to be a revelation to him, he didn't respond, but the look on his face said it all. I did get on my soap box admittedly, & explained that women have had the vote for quite some time now.

Situation at present is that I've told him I can't have sex with someone that doesn't respect me. His retort was that I don't respect him enough to have sex with him.

I know it's about power & control. This wasn't helped by the fact that when his friend came to visit recently he asked if the DC's were his, as they are 'so good looking & obviously take after their mum'.

OP posts:

gapants · 07/06/2011 14:44

Situation at present is that I've told him I can't have sex with someone that doesn't respect me. His retort was that I don't respect him enough to have sex with him.

That is such bullshit and the reasoning ability of a toddler.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 07/06/2011 14:45

He's stuck in the times when a wife became the property of her husband on marriage.

buzzsore · 07/06/2011 14:45

There's a reply to that, "you're quite right. I don't respect you because you think you own me and my wishes don't count. You're like some kind of effed up dinosaur."

May not be something to actually use, but is my visceral reaction.

cannydoit · 07/06/2011 14:50

he spat in your mouth, he spat in your mouth? i know that shouldn't seem that bad considering that we let men cum in our mouths (optional i know) but really that seems to be just appalling.

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:52

your friends don't seem to display any tact OP.

[Hmm]

I'd be pissed off if 'friends' came out with shit like 'asked if the DC's were his, as they are 'so good looking & obviously take after their mum' and 'I bet he thought all his christmases had come at once when you got together'

dittany · 07/06/2011 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 15:00

thingumy agree, not very tactful, but it was his friend who came out with the comment regarding the DC's. Another of his friends refers to us as beauty (me) & the beast (H).

OP posts:

Reality · 07/06/2011 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2011 15:07

With the way he is treating you, why would he think you could possibly respect him? Given his friends' comments, he should be worshipping you and be grateful you ever looked at him, not treating you so disrespectfully.

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 15:10

dittany - I was 30, he was 49 when we got together. Do you think that's relevant? he recently told me that his previous girlfriend was 19 & wierdly also told me he was frequently accused of being a paedophile during that relationship - didn't bother him. He is often mistaken for being my dad.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2011 15:23

I think age gaps can be relevant, subconsciously. All that 'older and wiser' crap. 'Senior' has two meanings, 'older' and 'further up the hierarchy'. He seems to be confusing these.

CareyFakes · 07/06/2011 18:53

I won't lie, your DH sounds like a right cunt.

The more you write about him, the more I'm thinking 'What a cunt'. I'd be well gone, no respect for me, no marriage

dittany · 07/06/2011 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sephrenia · 07/06/2011 19:19

CareyFakes said it all on the first page. Get rid of the dirty little sket. Seriously, that's beyond disgusting.

TermFromHell · 07/06/2011 19:28

Wow. What a completely disgusting bastard.

In his mind, I bet he thinks he's some sort of 'Porno God'.....

In everybody else's mind, he sounds about as SHIT IN BED as you can possibly get. And that's the nicest thing I can write about him.

You poor thing. I advise you to leave and never look back. Take the DC's too, as his misogynistic attitude may well be rubbing off on them even if they aren't a party to what goes on in the bedroom.

I would place money on it that he watches some really dodgy porn. Frequently.

This guy sounds like a controlling abuser, who is not really any better than a rapist. I agree fully with the poster who said to take a dildo and shove it up his arse without asking him. See what he makes of that. And then when he inevitably complains, tell him you don't really give a shit how he feels as that is effectively what he has said/done to you.

Bless your heart - I really feel for you. This man is scum.

Good luck. x

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2011 19:46

TermFromHell has a point - where do his frankly weird ideas come from?

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