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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's about sex ... please do not read if you are eating

121 replies

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 11:22

Some things I like, some things I don't.

'D'H interprets this as rules & taboos, he believes if he wants to do something he should be able to even it's a turn off for me, if I don't he feels emasculated and supressed. Nothing major.

Apart from when he spat in my mouth during sex.

He says I have issues, low libido, I am sexually repressed, I need counselling, etc ...

I'm not & I don't!!! (good) sex has always been important to me & it was bloody fantastic with my ex.

Shouldn't sex be about mutual respect?? Am I really abnormal thinking it should be something that's enjoyable for both partners??

OP posts:

holyShmoley · 07/06/2011 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 12:29

tortoise - yes, I am very bloody bothered by it.

OP posts:

CareyFakes · 07/06/2011 12:31

abbdabb I really would be reassessing the marriage/relationship. He clearly has very little respect, the fact that he believes it's his 'right' and also does one of the most disrespectful things I can think of puts a fire in my belly.

buzzsore · 07/06/2011 12:34

How does he treat you in the rest of the relationship? Does he take notice of your wishes, listen to your ideas, take on board any problems you have? Does he respect you at all?

MrsGypsy · 07/06/2011 12:36

Like JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar, I too have been a right slapper generous with my love in the past and I have never had the spitting in the mouth thing. Not liking that one - I don't like tongues in the ear either - what's the point?

So, why don't you test the theory that your DH considers you "his"? Does he ever think you wear clothes that are inappropriate? Then wear them and test his reaction. Does he prefer it if you don't see a particular friend because he doesn't like her influence? Go out for a girls drink with her. And start saying "No". Loudly and clearly. "No. I don't want to have sex tonight". "No. I don't like it when you spit in my mouth".

See what happens. Does he get more possessive, or does he respect your rights to wear your clothes, see your friends, not have sex if you don't feel like it? Don't let him control you. You are not a doormat. And if you don't like what happens when you test him, start thinking how nice it would be if you could be yourself.

Missingfriendsandsad · 07/06/2011 12:45

What is wrong with this? I like spitting (slowly if you like) into my man's mouth and stuff like that - its not that odd is it? I also have mouthfuls of juice or coke, give BJs and then spit that into his mouth - you all sound like this is odd behaviour is it really?

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 12:47

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie- he does take it as a personal insult if I don't do what he wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 12:51

Mrsgypsy - he thinks all my friends are a bad influence. Especially the one who said (on first meeting him) 'I bet he thought all his christmases had come at once when you got together'

OP posts:

MilkandWine · 07/06/2011 12:51

Missingfriendsnadsad No it is perfectly 'normal' behaviour if both parties are happy with it. If one is not and feels forced against their will then that is not acceptable.

buzzsore · 07/06/2011 12:51

If you both like it, it's fine, whatever floats your boat, missingfriendsandsad. If your partner didn't, it wouldn't be fine. It's not normal to coerce your lover into doing things they don't want to do.

Abbdabb, I think you're in a very unequal relationship, and need to think carefully about where you go from here.

ZumbaRumba · 07/06/2011 12:53

Sounds grim. I cannot imagine being happy in a relationship with a man who thought I was 'repressed' because I didn't like him spitting on me .

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 07/06/2011 12:54

Abbdabb - of course he's going to think your friends are a bad influence. And I'll bet my bottom dollar he'll mess with your head, let your organise nights out then not turn home in time to mind the DC's for you, subtely put them down, put you down, and before you know it, you'll have no friends left.

I moved 3 times in 10 years for his work, so he could have a better job. Everytime it was when I was just getting settled and secure and building up a support network.

My ex was (and is) highly intelligent. He could tie my mind in knots when we had an argument and I came out of every row feeling like I was totally unreasonable. And because I had no friends to talk to, I had to live his normal. I'd lost all sense of my own normal, or what normal was, his life, the way he wanted it, was my normal.

But it wasn't normal.

CareyFakes · 07/06/2011 12:54

Missingfriendsandsad I'm all for experimenting, many things my partner and I do might turn the stomachs of others, but we are both consenting and enjoy it.

When he has tried something I don't like (only once, poor sod lol), he has respected my feelings on it and ceased to continue. I wouldn't tolerate someone who continued on that thread thinking I'll eventually be submissive to it or it was his right.

MilkandWine · 07/06/2011 12:56

Be very wary of the man who thinks your friends are 'Not a good influence'. Unless your friends are all crack addicted murderers, then that is usually codeword for 'Controlling, possesive man who want's you to have nobodies thoughts except his own influencing your mind'

I had an ex at 21 who was 16 years older than me who once told me, 'I wish you didn't have friends and family so near to influence you'. When I look back it is probably the most chilling thing anyone has EVER said to me.

OP, I think you seriously need to consider your future with this man. What are his good points? (If any) What are you getting out of the relationship that makes you stay? To be honest your answers are a little brief, we need a bit more to go on it order to get a better take on things.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 07/06/2011 12:57

I was told "well you can't expect me to remember what you don't like"

Well, actually, yes I can. Because you wouldn't like it if I bit your dick would you? And you'd expect me to remember.

Fuckwit.

Hullygully · 07/06/2011 13:01

And his good points?

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 13:03

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie - he turned up an hour & half late last w'end to mind DC's while I met up with a freind who I hadn't seen in months. Said friend suggested that I 'take a lover' !!!

He is very intelligent - one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.

OP posts:

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 07/06/2011 13:04

The spitting thing doesn't worry me - providing it is something you both agree to first, which it doesn't sound like it was in this case.

The commentary on 'the day we met ' sounds laughably insane to me

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 07/06/2011 13:04

And yet another 'first post' although you say you're a name changer.

Hard to tell these days.

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 13:07

sorry, brief answers due to juggling (the amazing non-sleeping) baby.

am in the re-evaluation process - is this the relationship blueprint I want to provide for my children.

OP posts:

Gay40 · 07/06/2011 13:14

It's not what he wants to do that is troubling. As I said before, each to their own. It's the fact that you don't really like it, and that he doesn't really care whether you do or not.
I'm with the "Well, I fancy beating your dick with a baseball bat until it turns to jam. You don't fancy that, you say? How repressed of you and also selfish, when it turns me on." Then reach for the bat.

Hullygully · 07/06/2011 13:15

Let me guess the good points:

he is an amazing father
you get on really well and have a laugh together
He washed up once

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2011 13:19

Is this the way your sex life has been for the whole ten years? if so.

It does sound as if he does not regard you as an equal, but as some plaything to do with as he will. And knowing that you don't like it but that makes no difference to him - bleurgh!

If he was my husband, he wouldn't be moaning about feeling emasculated, he'd be moaning about being physically emasculated because that's what I'd feel entitled to do.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 13:42

It sounds like he wants a master and slave relationship, but isn't concerned with that pesky little thing called consent, not to mention his lack of respect for you generally.
Your refusal and eventual compliance is what gets him off, he sounds like a classic abuser, rather than someone who wants a consensual bdsm type relationship though.

Original poster

abbdabb · 07/06/2011 13:53

shineon -there might be regarding my thread. I've been on MN for years & have found the majority of advice I have been given invaluable.

Gay40 - exactly, it's not about his preferences as such, some may find it a turn on. It's the attitude of 'this is something I want, regardless of whether you like it or not'.

I personally would not enjoy sex with the knowledge of what I'm doing is a complete turn off for my partner.

Hullygully - good points - he cooks for us.

whereyouleftit - only since we married 2 yrs ago

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