Relationship over and it's all my bloody fault

[Suchafool]

Have namechanged although I'm not even sure why as it makes no difference now I suppose.

Basically I wrote a thread on here last month about the strong feelings I had for a man other than DP and how I was struggling with them really badly. I was just looking for advice and I had no intention of running off with this man, starting an affair etc (It said as much in the thread as well)

My DP has always had a really suspicious mind and has somehow managed to get into my internet history (even though I thought I had deleted it all off). He found the thread, read it and is now utterly heartbroken. He says he can't be with me when he knows I have such strong feelings for someone else (even though I haven't and don't intend to act on them but I guess that's by the by). He has told his family we have broken up and I am sleeping on the couch.

He admits he hasen't treated me as well as he should have but still says that he can't be with me when I have feelings so strong for another person. I know I will possibly be ripped to shreds on here but I DO really love DP and have tried really hard to be a good partner. I had feelings for this other man before I even met my partner, if I could have a lobotomy and remove him from my brain I would do it gladly. My DP was NEVER supposed to find out and this is basically my worst nightmare come to life.

I feel like such an evil, heartless bitch, I never ever wanted to hurt my DP and now I have lost everything over a totally one sided none affair.

I just feel utterly numb. I know theres nothing anyone can do or say to help me but I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest.

"He admits he hasen't treated me as well as he should have but still says that he can't be with me when I have feelings so strong for another person."

He treats you badly but then dumps you because you had thoughts about someone else. Is he the Thought Police?

You did not act on your feelings and had no intention of doing anything. Quite frankly - he probably knows this, however he is happy to treat you badly and have you be beholden to him.

You say you have "tried really hard to be a good partner"

The question is - has he been a good partner for you?
Has he made an effort to keep you pleased and feeling loved?

What the WHAT? You aren't allowed to have your own thoughts?

OP, that's insane and it sounds more like emotional abuse than anything remotely rational. Also the fact you say he has "always had a really suspicious mind" is a red flag to me.

The thing is you can't help how you feel or having feelings for someone else, the only thing you can help is not acting on them, which you've done, you needed somewere to share your thoughts and feelings and you chose here, you've really done nothing wrong. However if I was your dp and read about you having feelings about another man, I would be upset too! Hopefully though he will calm down and think about things, and you both may be able to turn things around, its possible, but I would give him some time and also make him realise that you never did anything with this other guy and surely that must mean something to him?! x

Do you think that maybe he is using this as an out?

It seems a bit drastic given that nothing at all has happened between you and this other man!

I think there is more to this on his side than we know, not sure what but he seems to be projecting his 'guilt'? onto you.

What do you want to happen?

His ego is hurt but I hope when the bruising starts to subside he sees that this is rather ridiculous. I presume this was thoughts and not an emotional affair?

Of course he is being OTT. But if I found such a post from my DH I'd be pretty upset too. I don't expect to be the only woman my DH fancies but I'd be hacked off to find out that he was in love with someone else.

I am sure he'll calm down.

just goes to show, we always think the grass will be greener ......

when someone is considering playing away from home, i say ok, but is it worth losing your marriage and your kids and house for, because thats what it will probably come down to

He sounds a dreadfully sensitive flower. Yes, one can absolutely understand being devastated to find out that your partner has strong feelings for someone else, but he's being quite apocalyptic about it.

It's so reminiscent of XH... our marriage was frequently threatened by what he perceived as my feelings for this or that bloke which in most cases I wasn't even feeling, but I might have been or looked as if I was. Eventually I really did have an emotional fling with someone - thought I might as well and there was at least a tiny element of revenge in there (I'm not proud of it). So of course the marriage was all over, again. The difference was that this time I agreed: yes, it was all over. Well do you know what? Suddenly it wasn't what he wanted at all. What he wanted, of course, was for me to weep and wail and feel so guilty I would let him walk all over me for the rest of my life. And I wasn't having it. The EA went nowhere fast (thank goodness), but the divorce was on. And by God am I grateful to that random bloke on the internet who pretended he cared about me for just long enough to blow my stupid marriage apart, otherwise I'd still be in it or, more likely, a padded cell.

Er, where were we? Yeah, your DP is being very silly indeed. Tell him he's right, you don't deserve him, and you're going off to join a convent and/or to shag the Brigade of Guards (not necessarily in that order). And then see whether suddenly he finds it in his heart to forgive you. Sounds unsympathetically flippant? Call it cynical-with-experience.

Thing is, all of us are capable of many THOUGHTS . . . "what if" moments ranging from, "What if I eat the whole cake" to "What if I were to steal that car?" (Or is that just me?)

But those of us who aren't sociopaths are guided by our superegos, moral compasses, whatever you want to call them -- as were you. You didn't DO anything. I could see your P being uncomfortable with what you revealed, wanting to talk about it, but ending your relationship over it? Eh?

Your thoughts are your own business. It's your actions that count.

What the hell is he doing snooping on your private accounts online?

If you are who I think you are, OP, then from other threads you've started it sounds like this guy doesn't treat you very well anyway, tbh I think this will be a blessing in disguise for you in the long run.

He had no right, and no grounds, to go prying into your private business like that.

Thank you for such quick replies everyone, you are all very kind.

caramelwaffle, mittenkitten, madonnawhore I must admit I do feel really violated that my private thoughts have been invaded like they have. As I say he was NEVER supposed to find out I felt the way I do. I have taken great pains to disguise it for the last 4 and a half years. Not to mention highly humiliated on another level as I did type some very heartfelt things that I would rather have set fire to myself than have him be privvy to.

I don't even know why he was snooping thorough my internet history. He has tried to explain it by saying it's because our histories are now on the same setting? Well they may well be but that doesn't mean I go searching through his history, I never do!

Mouseface I don't think he is using it as an 'out', he says he doesn't want us to split up but he doesn't see how we can get past it. He says if it was just a crush he could overlook it but as it is more than that he can't. He says he is glad we aren't married yet as I would have been thinking about another man on our wedding day!

He asked me if I could forgive it was the other way round and stupid me said probably not. (I feel it is time to be honest, I'm sick of lying) BUT in my defence I have put more effort into our relationship so I think I would have more grounds to be furious. He admits himself he has taken me for granted a lot and not treated me the way I deserve.

I feel I am being judged incredibly harshy, I try and do the right thing morally and still loose everything? Anniegetyourgun Maybye I should actually enter a convent, DP says it is unfair for me to be with ANYONE when I have such feelings for this man. In that case it looks like I will die alone and childless at this rate, woo hoo me eh?

Such - he's contradicting himself by saying that he doesn't want to split up but that he can't move forward either....

What does he want then? Other than for all of this to go away.

Do you still have feelings for this other guy? How far did it go, honestly?

I think that your DP is hurt and upset by all of this but I have to second the opinion that he shouldn't be looking for trouble. That's what he's doing by snooping into your PRIVATE life.

Why would he do that if he had no reason, IYSWIM? It's all a bit, well, odd. Something doesn't sit right with me on this.

Sorry, I'm a bit hormental at the minute, ignore me if you like

Oh and Senoritaviva No EA at all, I hardly even see this guy. I did foolishly take his number when I was drunk last time I saw him. I forgot to save it though (I was hammered). It was a dreadful thing to do but I mentioned it on the thread my DP read and said on there that I would never have contacted him if I had saved it. I really wouldn't have and my DP knows I'm not lying because it was all there in black and white for him to read.

God it was awful, I had been to work and I got home and DP had been to shop and bought himself Jack Daniels. He poured himself a drink and asked if I had feelings for this man. When I denied it he got out the entire thread that I had started. He had printed it off the computer to give to me!

I feel like hes my fecking stalker sometimes, I'm not allowed to have a single thought that he can't know about. It drives me insane, well I hope he is pleased with his snooping now, look what it's done? If he had left well alone he would never have known. Although he says not and that these things "Always come out eventually"

Cant you make a play for this other bloke now Suchafool? May as well, now the cat's outta the bag.

Mouseface I don't mind replying at all, thank you for taking the time to respond to me at all.

I don't think he knows what he want's, for women not to all be liars possibly? (His ex cheated on him) I think he snooped because he just doesn't trust me for whatever reason.

Apart from taking the guys number (which I KNOW i shouldn't have done and it was a moment of madness) there is nothing between us, I've never so much as kissed him. But yes I do have deep feelings for him and have for 5 years now. Where they come from I have no idea, it's mental, I've tried my best to overcome them. It doesn't mean I don't love my DP, i really really do. I hate myself for being so weak and pathetic tbh.

This may sound flippant, but is your OH 15 years old? Or is this his first relationship? It sounds like he has some idealised notion of love and you have ruined it. Either that or he is a control freak who doesn't like the fact that you have thoughts of your own. Looking through your internet history seems a bit odd IMO.

My first response on reading your post was "you can't help the way you feel, only the way you behave" and others clearly think the same thing applies here. I don't know the history but if you had the odd thought of "ooh so-and-so is good looking, I wonder what life would be like if I'd ended up with him... " I'm sure most people have thoughts like this at some stage of their life.

Anyway, what do you want to happen now?

bbird1 No I couldn't do that, he has a girlfriend and a toddler. I'm not the sort of person to try stealing someone elses man. They aren't happy together but still it isin't my place to try

Plus he doesn't care about me which is also a bit of a sticking point.

Even my DP says he thinks I should have said something to this man. Says he could never have sat on his feelings like I have for so long!

Either I have a will of iron or I'm an idiot? Not quite sure which. Either way I'm going to end up alone, great eh?

What a good thing DP is not in charge of your life then, eh?

You haven't lost "everything" by the way, just a man, who by the sound of it - by his own admission, in fact - is not all that in the partner stakes. You'll get over the other attraction in time, I'm sure. You'll make someone a lovely wife and several people a lovely mother one day too, if that's the way the cards fall. You have lots of love inside you, which hopefully will fix on a more (a) worthy and (b) available object eventually.

I can see where everyone else is coming from, but (and without knowing the background of your relationship) I can understand his actions

If he was so upset over you being attracted to someone else then that would be ridiculous, but if I found out my DH had really strong feelings/loved someone else I would be devestated and would consider ending things, also from your last post you lied about it? He asked you and you said no so he showed you the thread, again that would be a deal-breaker for me

That said though, I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment, especially when you havnt acted on your feelings

OP I think it would be much better for you at this point to be on your own rather than be with this guy who is, to be quite frank, acting like a prize prick.

Not only by invading your privacy but (and I'm pretty sure I'm right about your other username), he is being a total knobber about your house at the moment too isn't he?

He's forced you into a very financially precarious corner, tried to make out like it's all your fault and now he's spying on you online.

For god's sake don't stay with someone like this just because you're scared of being on your own!

Such - no you won't end up alone because you are finally dealing with this. Yes your hand was forced but still. Stop beating yourself up. What's done is done.

It all needs to come out. If nothing at all has happened with the other guy, all I can suggest is to give your DP some time and space. At the moment, he's comparing you to his cheating ex I'm afraid.

Maybe he did snoop when he should have (and some would say he had reason too) but I think he's hurting and feeling a bit foolish that he may have been 'taken in'. Pride?

The best thing that you can do is put yourself in his place. Do it with utter clarity and honesty and then maybe see how you feel?

How long have you been together? Have you told him how you feel about him?

And I agree with what you have said about not trying to split up this man and his family.

The grass isn't always greener, no matter how lush it looks!

Anniegetyourgun I really hope you are right, I would love to get married and have a family more than anything. I'm 32 and I feel like I'm running out if time sometimes (I know rationally that I'm not but when you've wanted something for a long time and it never materialises you can't help but wonder/worry)
I hope more than anything to get over this other man, he's ruining my life, I've tried to not let him but he is anyway. I feel like a total loser quite frankly

And to add, whilst I can understand he is hurting etc....... he needs to stop beating you with the stick in his hand.

As I said, if nothing has happened and you have NEVER acted on your feelings, then I think that he's over-reacting.

For what ever reason, he's almost dragging this into an area it doesn't need to be. Like he needs or enjoys the drama of it all.

Sorry, waffling but he's acting VERY wounded for something so small in the grand scheme of things.

What did his ex do to him? It's not fair that he treats the two of you the same if she actually cheated on him...................

I guess your dp feels second best. I guess he feels that if this guy didn't have a girlfriend and a toddler you'd be out of there.

Would you?

I guess he feels humiliated that his dp was discussing her feelings for another man on the internet for thousands of strangers to read.

Not saying that these feelings are justified, but as you can't help what you think, he can't help what he feels right now.

Tbh, it sounds like you'd be better off out of this relationship for just now. Maybe some time alone will help you with your dilemma. It really can't have been healthy for your relationship to have you carrying a torch for this other man for five years.

Anyway, I feel for you and I think your dp was very wrong to snoop. I suspect he bitterly regrets letting that cat out the bag. But out the bag it is and there's no going back.

I'm not sure that I'd ever feel the same about my dh if I found out that he'd had such strong feelings for five years. I'm pretty sure that reading about it in detail would make me feel much worse.

Also, the fact that you've had SUCH strong feelings for another man for SO long, is an indicator that your current relationship isn't on a good footing.

It's really not normal or healthy to harbour feelings for someone for so long while trying to maintain a relationship. Something was always going to have to give.

Like I said, I think in the long run this will be a good thing. With a bit of space and clarity you will be able to figure out what you want without these two guys obscuring your view.